Good-Bye to Warframe

04/03/2019 Comments off

We’ve all heard it sometime in our lives — either personally or seen in movies and television — the infamous break up line that invariably starts with the sentence, “We’re done. I want nothing more to do with you. No it’s not you, it’s me…” Except in this instance, it’s all you, DE. So all you armchair analysts, talking heads and anyone that doesn’t like the thought of an opinion contrary to yours have at it… Tear this apart to your heart’s content with the illusion that you’ve done your good deed for defending the product that is Warframe. I’ll already be gone.

Hard to imagine I had been with the game for almost six years. That in human terms is usually a long-term relationship without marriage. Hell, in my case it was longer than the last psycho-ex I had been living with that practically destroyed who I was. But I digress, we’re not here to sit on a couch and discuss my personal life.

There have been several mitigating factors for this decision that I would like to put to pixels that caused me to make this decision.

  1. DE’s head in the sand attitude to the ever present Moderator Abuses that have been present for at least 4 years.
  2. DE’s lack of adult attitudes toward any sort of criticisms thrown at them from partners and in recent events resorting to ad hominems and bullying tactics by using the player base to attack such criticisms. This is something I would expect from a Russian company like Gaijin Entertainment, not from a Canadian company like DE.
  3. DE’s attempt to put the genie back into the bottle for the power creep that has been ignored and approved by DE for years. And pussyfooting around with it, given the change of how they simply removed things 6 years ago when it was simply to OP. (Yeah, I still have hard feelings for the original OP Snipetron blueprint removed from my inventory with a note in the update about it and later replaced by a watered down version of the sniper).
  4. What I would like to call the JJ Abrams’ approach to entertaining content: adding a whole lot of flash, yet leaving a whole lot of clapped out, broken and half-worked content littered on the floor of the game.
  5. DE’s (not so) recent habit of unfulfilled promises (there’s evidence in the second link, I don’t feel like pointing to the time stamp) and not listening to the player base. Quite the change when I joined the game 6 years ago and they were listening too much to the player base back then.
  6. The complete and utter bureaucracy of DE’s Help Desk to solving a problem that should have from the Helpdesk to DE and not some sort of demented run around and completely failing the point of “One Stop Shop“. As shown here (names removed to avoid shaming).

Looking at this laundry you’d think I was talking about a Triple A Developer (we know the names, no need to beat that dead horse again) that has released yet another lackluster and poorly designed game, and certainly not an Indie company. But I’m beginning to wonder whether the partnership might in fact be a bigger contributing factor than I realized, given I’ve had some experience with them and Cryptic and look how those games have turned out.

I think what I find the most surprising is that in this current world climate, politicians and executives seem more than willing to fall on their sword and commit career suicide and resign from a position of authority that has demonstrated a complete lack of social vigilance. Yet in this situation, nothing has been done about the issue — either from the source of the problem that caused it (yeah, no names mentioned because I don’t need an unprecedented amount of bullying from a company or the gaggle of players to the game) let alone from the company that has allowed this situation to propagate as long as it has.

As an activist and a lobbyist, this is the sort of thing that would be causing quite a bit of boycotting and shield clattering to get the problem fixed; but I think the reason why this isn’t happening has to do with the fact that people work on the illusion that the developer listens to the player base and has made them a darling in their eyes. That and the fact that until it affects a greater whole of the player base, it can certainly be swept under the rug, can’t it?

Low and behold sweeping things under the rug seems to be the modus operandi in this environment. I mean it’s been more than a month since this moderator abuse has been seriously thrust into the light (having been going on for more than 4 years) and all we’ve seen from DE has been something akin to lock-stepping in twitter attempting to bully and shame the messenger instead of handling the situation contained in the message.

It’s coming up on a month for the melee changes have hit and nothing has been done about any of the suggestions given to DE (again, it feels like if it’s ignored people will blithely accept the game making decisions for us instead of making it so that we make those decisions).

Then there’s the Vauban, Atlas, Wukong reworks that have been hinted at and promised only to be forgotten or swept under the rug.

Or my personal favorite, a 10 week experiment in the new alert system (q.v., Nightwave) that is nothing more than a Skinner Box for veterans to see whether they’ll continue to use it and not geared for the very people that should have been tested with… Again, no improvements there either, they were all ignored because it’s a 10-week experiment and players often forget when shown a shiny they covet (Umbra Forma).

The simple fact is, this feels like a shell game… bright and shiny things added to the game, all the while things already existing in the game, ignored, forgotten, thrown to the island of misfit toys, just to appease the public from starting a lynch mob against the game and the developers for the shallowness of the overall gaming experience.

DE and Warframe, you try to come off as the well-meaning sod in a relationship, always promising something better in the future yet nothing seems to be working quite right in the present. All the while never exactly fulfilling any of your promises because the code’s getting to the saturation point of needing more fixes than new material.

There’s a list is out there.. I’m tired of adding to it and drawing attention to it. All because I’ve learned, I’m a no one that’s spent no more than $300 in the game. I missed the opportunity to being a Founder because at the time I was unemployed (not that it matters really, it’s been proven DE doesn’t even listen to their founders or the design council anymore). I am not some famous name that will draw attention to your game. I’m just a player that’s simply been here almost 6 years slogging out what little I can to assist an uncaring developer with their head in the sand living off the love of a blindly faithful player base that see this as a darling.

So in closing, this is a break up with you DE and Warframe. And in case you wonder why this relationship isn’t working — it’s all you.

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Gaming & The Constant Adrenaline Rush

10/17/2018 Comments off

I was watching an acquaintance of mine trying to run a new set of missions within my favorite game (Warframe). It’s a particularly difficult set of missions that only the true min-maxer can go through unscathed that I personally think promises to be getting a re-work in the near future. As it stands, it’s sadistically harsh and lacks the necessary enjoyment value of the game as I understand it. But that’s another story for another time. The point is, when he had failed the mission at the time and was waiting for the hourly reset, I noticed and pointed out that he hadn’t done his weekly Ayatan Statue run and that he should do it for the relaxation.

He refused stating that with the new alerts he’ll get more than the required statues even if he might be a little short of stars that the moment and saw no need to do the weekly mission.

Another of my acquaintances challenged him to turn in his sculptures to see how much he’s made. So after a quick trip to Maroo’s Bazaar he was able to provide proof of about 33,000’ish endo for refinement.

This was both amusing and disappointing to me as I am currently sitting on about 76,800 endo for refinement and still holding on to 200 cyan and 200 amber stars each in three weeks’ time. Further, the disappointment was due to the fact that neither the acquaintance that challenged him to turn them in, nor myself could confirm or deny that he’s been doing these alerts since they were released on 12, October and there’s a good possibility that there were statues in his inventory that he had collected outside of these alerts. Couple this with the fact that based on my viewing his playing through the streaming session he had lost 4 missions to winning 1 and well… the seeds of that observation were sown for this morning’s thoughts in the shower.

With all this instantaneous gratification. All this fast and furious running, with the mad dash and the lose-to-win ratios, this acquaintance is pulling in less than I do running casually through missions foraging for what I require.

I am reminded of Aesop’s tale of the Tortoise and the Hare where the moral of the story was, Slow but steady wins the race.

The thing is that there’s an endemic problem with streamers. A fractured and often miasmic concept that the only way to be really good at a fast-paced game — like Warframe — is being the last Mastery Rank currently attainable, have the biggest and best dojo, have all the weapons and have them min-maxed to god-like levels and ultimately be not only famous but have the most amount of followers is to play the game in a non-stop rush from insertion to extraction.

Talking about this with one of my acquaintances — the god-like weapon levels might not entirely be accurate. A lot of streamers don’t seem to be working on Min-Max leveled weapons. In fact a good majority of them work with barely adequate weapons and the concept that if they’re able to beat Sortie leveled enemies, their weapons and warframes are more than adequate.

And that’s the problem — there’s too much rush..

While it’s true that out of all the communities I’ve encountered in my long time of gaming, Warframe’s community is the most helpful… Or at least the most friendly when it comes to doling out help. When it comes to helping to the point of being self-sufficient however; they are sorely lacking. The streamers of this community are more than willing to get the person — or group of people — to their goals, but rarely enough to teach them the skills necessary to being able to farm the materials or accomplish the objectives in the long run.

To quite literally go from the new/young player and growing into the experienced veteran capable to doing everything on their own and even teaching future generations how to maximize their returns in whatever mission they set their mind to.

Instead, they end up creating a new generation of gamers working on the concept, Penny-wise and Pound-Foolish. That is to say able to accomplish what is required of them in the short-term, but lacking the necessary effort (and cost) for the long-term. So instead of being able to accomplish anything that might crop up since the start of the game; many — including the very streamers that taught them — it’s a constant rush from insertion to extraction on every mission just to scrape by.

This is one of the main contributors to why so many people burn out of Warframe so damn quickly. And because of my slower approach, I realize that the reason why I didn’t burn out half as bad on this game as so many people have in the time I’ve been with it was because it was always about slowly getting to the goals.

In spite of all these observations and inferred methods of correcting the problems about slowing down and enjoying the game… About maximizing resource collections in the short and long runs… Be it as an end-user and as a streamer — I’m stuck in the misconstrued position that because I’m not a streamer, I don’t know what it’s like to go through their issues. About the want for popularity… About the want for followers… About the wants and needs and desires to go from simple streamer to affiliate to partner. About the careful juggling of being informative as well as entertaining.

Try being a teacher to teachers. Go a mile in those shoes and you’ll see it’s being done without the voyeurism of an audience.

In the end, I’ll continue to try to lead by example. As long as one learns what I’m saying here: I’ve accomplished something. As long as two pay it forward; I’ve changed the world.

Until the next time…

Moodiness in the Final Month

08/01/2018 Comments off

Entry 07/31/2018 08:55:07 AM – Mentat 1332

While this entry might be starting as a potpourri to the ministrations and goings on in my life, I fear though this might in fact transform into a soapbox of annoyances that I’ve been working through the last couple of weeks in private. But first, the minutia.

As the title of this entry suggests, my year-long project/contract is coming to an end the end of August. I would like to think that this is a job well done, but instead it’s just a job that has come to an end. While I would like to think that I put my all into this job, the truth of the matter is that I lost all will to do anything of the sort back in March when another department (one that I’ve been supporting) decided to throw me under the bus in a way that can be best described as the bickering that goes on between a divorcing husband and wife. While I attempted to maintain a high level of professionalism and career perfection, deep down inside I’m sick and tired of the games played in this business. Sure, I had a great boss that would defend me as though I were a full-time employee… the fact remains that all of the other departments tend to have a habit of clawing in my direction in order to get the access they require and run me down with any bus (or metaphoric truck) when they can’t get it their way.

This was all done based on:

  • Subpar training done like a bad game of telephone
  • Flimsy and über-basic instructional documentation
  • Limited access to Unix and BladeLogic , and my personal favorite
  • Inconsistent and conflicting messages on procedures possible within the department I was hired into.

This is also why I maintain the stand that if anyone asks me my opinion on the bank I work at, that if they have money here they should pull it out and stuff it into a mattress as it’ll be safer there than in this bank.

As of the 16th of August, the department I’m currently working in is moving to two locations: Smithfield and East Providence. And my manager is happily extending the courtesy for me to work from home for the last week or two for my contract. After that? I’ll be free and happily going about my business for the next 6 – 10 months.

During that time however, I am going to try to work on my sleeping patterns, decompress from this bullshit and generally turn into the routine curmudgeon I like being instead of this:

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Casually speaking, I’ve been enjoying my downtime. While I might not be playing one of the games that I’ve normally played for the last couple of months because of the warmer and muggier weather we’ve been getting, I’ve been more dedicated playing the other: Warframe. This is because I’ve been doing the push for all the weapons and warframes in my foundry and to finally get myself up to Master Rank 20 (Silver Tiger). Now that I’m that Mastery Rank, it’s just a matter of ranking & banking through the rest of what I currently have built.

Of course during this ranking & banking, polarizing for min/max and everything else in between, I’ve been happily cruising Twitch’s Warframe category. Except that I was noticing an inordinate amount of strangers in the upper three rows with an inordinate amount of viewers with each of them. As it turns out there was an invasion of Twitch Partners suddenly coming over to Warframe to play and stream.

At first I began checking some of them out, but found myself quickly off-put not only by their audiences and fans, but also by the partner attitudes I was encountering. They weren’t accepting of assistance. They weren’t willing to listen to people with years of experience in the game. They had in fact come into an already established and often tight-knit community with the attitude of either they miraculously knew better about min-maxing within this gaming environment, or worst. They came with the attitude that Warframe was there to entertain them and hand-hold them from beginning to end.

I admit that I’m normally accepting and even welcoming of the myriad of attitudes and approaches to games when they’re new and wanting to try it out — yet with these partners and their audience — I actually find myself wanting them gone. Both these partners and their audience remind me too much of followers…. Lemmings…. Leeches wanting to suck off the teats of the cash cow that might make them the necessary monies to sustain their full time jobs of streaming.

Couple this with their off-putting and less than stellar attitudes and well… I don’t expect them to last long. And when they’re gone, I find myself not wanting to shed a tear for the lack of audience and numbers.

And that’s about it for the time being. Off to post this and do a bit of research before the next batch of requests come in at work. Until the next time.

Emancipation Day Promises & Ponderings

06/27/2018 Comments off

Entry 06/26/2018 08:08:06 AM – Mentat 1327

Emancipation Day has come and gone and truth be told, I didn’t have the energy or the focus necessary to being able to write anything for the day. Hell, I started the entry two times with the usual point to from the original WordPress page talking about why it was a personal holiday (which can be found here), but then I found myself too distracted by the butt-tons of things I wanted to talk about and things I needed to talk about and couldn’t for the life of me put together the plot between the two. So I basically said, fuck it. And decided to find other things to distract my magpie mind through the day and the evening.

Heh, not that I did all that much through the evening. I did an invasion mission in Warframe, called it an evening of sitting in front of the computer, went to lie down, watched a few videos and passed out after taking my evening dose. Pity too. The temperatures last night after I got home were perfect for running a couple of hours in Elite: Dangerous for Deep Space Exploring on my way to that Wolf-Rayet that was talked about in someone’s stream that I wanted to go check out. Oh well… Given today’s gorgeous temperatures, I’m hoping that it will continue this evening so that I can take advantage a little bit before the weekend.

So the operative question on my mind is out of all the monkeys that I might be carrying on my back, which ones do I want to let go?

Well the first and foremost is that I need to let go of all this negativity I often deal with from people in the world. From my friend up the hill to people halfway across the world, I’m tired of the whole drag him down attitude I get from people. I might be the most positive person in the world, I am definitely not the most negative either. And when left to my own devices, while I might be critical of things in a situation I am usually a closeted optimist while being a realist.

Take my friend up the hill… He had a rather hard spill during the winter this year and had broken his neck. He had to convalesce almost 5 months in one of the convalescent houses near to Rhode Island Hospital. Honestly I didn’t call him through that time… First it’s winter and he admitted back in November that thanks to the holidays coupled with the cold weather and icy conditions on the hill, he said that he would be leaving me alone. Come spring and summer, I simply thought he had moved on and found other people to hang around with.

Then I got a call a couple of weeks ago that the reason why he hadn’t been in contact was because of the accident and to come on over on the weekend to get caught up.

I did that and for the next 3’ish hours I heard all sort of digs about being in Shady Pines, how he was the youngest person in the convalescent home and then proceeded to talk about how he’s going to die alone, that no one will want him and routinely inferred that he’ll be dying “soon”.

This is a drag to me… depressive… Just the sort of thing that I don’t want to put up with constantly when I come to visit anyone.

Sure, this is expected really. I remember that I had a similar attitude after the car accident. I remember the doctors giving me a time limit of 2 – 3 years thanks largely to the seizures I was going through after the accident.. But even with that looming fear that I was inflicted with thanks to my doctors, I had bucket lists to go through and the excitement of some of the things that I was experiencing… But when left to my own devices, sometimes I would complain as much as he did.

Perhaps it’s simply because I’m now at my age and 27 years past my expiration point and still going. But whatever it is, my friend definitely needs some sort of therapist. And I definitely don’t need to be dealing with that depressive approach to recovery.

Then there’s the other problem I ran into recently involving someone half-way around the world from me. All right, more like ¼ (or as I like to say, on the other side of the big pond). While I’ve cut him out of my life, I’m writing about it here because it’s a warning of this sort of feedback happening in the future.

It has to do with being a man (or person) of their word.

I’m growing tired of being back-bitten, attacked or criticized in some way or another. Of being kicked when I am in an otherwise better mood than most times.

The fact of the matter is that he said that he trusted me, and the instant that he questioned that trust, he was there kicking at me like I’m some sort of villain. Sure, he’s had a rough life — we all have — but if you’re going to be a man of your word then perhaps instead of attacking he should have asked first. Because anything less than that is not being a man of one’s word.

One thing I’m not letting go however isn’t so much the issue. It’s the vitriol that it’s been producing. Now, let’s start this story out correctly. This is about a streamer that I had begun following last year because of his playing Elite: Dangerous. But since he’s long since stopped playing the game, I’ve been an on-again/off-again sort of follower sort of liking the entertainment, but not really wanting to commit to anything he had to offer because he seemed to be “too busy” with doing too many things. That’s all right though; I always maintained the possibility of committing more to him if he could control all this niggling busy work.

My positive attitude around him began waning recently when I realized that one of his group of people was more two-faced than I liked. Saying things about me behind my back instead of saying them to my face. Not surprising really — queerfolk are very much like this and I’ve long since tried to keep my distance from people like him. My positive attitude was further soured by this woman that came into the server and the group of people… At first I sort of liked her. She was the sort of positive that I expected, but this quickly transformed into someone with control issues. Not the positive sort either… The masculine sort that says, I am the center of attention in all the circles that I’m in. While I don’t mind the thought of anyone — and everyone — being the center of attention; it’s not a good fit when anyone is incapable of seeing an opinion outside of one that agrees with theirs. Or worse, she half-reads it and reacts to it as someone chocked with political correctness would.

Since then, I have maintained the attitude of keeping well clear of these two in order to maintain the peace and general stability of the community in question. After all, one cannot be friends with everyone — I learned this early on — and maintained it since learning how to behave better in diverse groups.

Then about a month ago, things started changing. This streamer was becoming less and less interactive with the community he had been carefully building. Anytime he came into his community on his discord server, he was whining about his job. And it’s not as though his job is easy — it’s a challenge under the best conditions… But I was getting the impression that this is not his calling and he should be looking for a new job instead of influencing teens into the future. When he wasn’t whining, he was keeping himself aloof from his community. Distancing himself in any interactions other than whinging about his job or the kids that he was complaining about.

At that point I began distancing myself further from most people in that community (well other than those I prefer to interact with).

About two weeks ago, he made a comment about a negative review of a game that he was considering playing — from a company that normally didn’t give negative reviews on anything when it came to games. I remember warning this streamer to never put any heed into any critiques from any company or reviewer given that critics have bad days and can take it out on the product they’re reviewing. Not to mention that reviewers take their negativity seriously — too seriously for their own good — and might have simply been harsh on it for its own sake.

That’s when the streamer said that this negativity isn’t going to be making him money (or profit) for his stream and it’s not worth taking the risk.

At this point my attitude toward this streamer went to rock bottom. Gone was the thought of playing the game for the fun of it — and in its place was just another streamer that’s in it for the money. I’ve made it a point not to follow streamers that are in it for the profit. And refuse to throw any money toward anyone trying to make a profit out of streaming. This wasn’t the sort of thing that would push me over the edge; but something I would continue to monitor and watch for more bad signs.

That bad sign followed shortly after that. It came in the form of a really inopportune and almost snide comment. It might have been meant to be a joke, but the timing was really bad. Someone middle-age had made a comment to someone in their 20s about their handsomeness. It was flirtatious and mostly harmless.

The streamer played priss and told the middle-ager that he’s too old to be hitting on the 20-something. To make matter worse, there was another streamer — who’s nothing more than a subbed-user in this community that decided to chime in agreement to the streamer in question. I had big problems with this chime-in as the woman in question is not only bisexual but also polyamorous; which makes her appear to be not only a hypocrite but also in no position to be making judgements on who can flirt with who and where.

Before the woman came in to chime, I cleared the hell out of the community because I simply didn’t approve of that attitude. Even in jest. My third love of my life — Damion — was more than 17 years younger than me and I was just on the verge of being middle-age and am reminded of what the Bard said about, “…Love sees not with the eyes, but with the mind…” And that sort of attitude is counter to a supportive community that I always look to be part.

I’ve tried to stay clear of these two and while they have dealt with quite a bit of friction within the community according to second-hand sources, they have tried to sweep this under the rug. As for the person in question — I can say that he seem to have recovered as he seems to be flirting and commenting in other places, but not in the communities this streamer has any part in.

And about the only thing I might be releasing is the rancor that I might have for them. I wash my hands of the pettiness and want no part of it in my life.

According to my manager at the contract I’m working — I have a mandatory week’s vacation for the Independence Day week. It’s supposed to be warmer than this week, so I’ll make the most of it as it’ll be a staycation gaming and chatting with friends near and far. And with that, that’s about it for the time being.

Until the next time.

Only 6 months? That’s it?!

06/20/2018 Comments off

Entry 06/20/2018 09:30:00 AM – Mentat 1326

The funny thing is that I didn’t expect it to be only six months since I wrote a public blog entry.  Hell, if anything it had felt a lot longer than that since I moved this blog to private.  I know there’s the strong possibility of me explaining why I did what I did and where I’ve been in that time – but the truth of the matter is that it’s not important anymore why I did what I did.  It feels like ancient history now that I think of it.

Winter has ended…  Like an old animal needing to be put down.

Spring has been psychotic in that it’s been a roller coaster between warmer than usual and colder than usual.  But hey, this is the Tundras of New England after all and if we don’t like the weather around here, all we have to do is wait a minute.

Summer is just about here (according to the Farmer’s Almanac it’s tomorrow).  While it’s comfortable today, tomorrow and the weekend means I’ll be digging in like an agoraphobic as we’re looking forward to the Summer Festival hitting the neighborhood.  It should be “fun” but let’s face it – I’m not there to entertain tourists to the Hill and have little patience for dealing with them milling about like a herd of cows in a pasture of fresh grass.

Ugh…  I’ll just have to learn to drown the noise out if it makes it to my part of the Hill.

There isn’t going to be much to say at the moment…  Other than the usual check in to tell some folk – yes, I’m alive.  Yes, I’m still knocking about the world as I invariably do.  Yes, I’m happily gaming – mostly Warframe and Elite: Dangerous.  Although I will admit that I do occasionally get into Minecraft, Stardew Valley, and even Path of Exile (although I tend to play this when I have absolutely nothing better to do).

How I’m going to be keeping this journal (in OneNote or not) remains to be seen.  Hell, I’m still trying to work out whether or not I want to put all of my thoughts to the ethers of the world.  Better still, whether or not I’ll be making a more routine effort for posting too…

A whole lot of ifs with no commitment.  This seems to be a recurring theme to my life as of late.  But that seems to be me.  Love it or leave it…

Until the next time.

The Start of a New Year

01/02/2018 Comments off

Entry 01/02/2018 09:09:43 AM – Mentat 1276

2018…

With the start of the year — one of the dozen resolutions that I’ve made was that I wanted to return to writing what’s been going on in my life online. It’s not because of the defiance I used to have because of my psycho ex who never paid attention to what was going on with me. It’s not because of the fact that there’s so many things to improve in my life and in the world around me. It’s not because of the fact that deep down inside me there’s an SJW looking for an outlet. It’s because I need to get back into the habit of being able to talk publicly without fear of repercussions or reprisals. It’s because I would like to re-establish the feeling that in spite of no one responding to the things I say, I might help someone out there in the world face their own adversities knowing they’re not alone and their issues are not unique.

I can tell you that unlike the entries in the past, I won’t be doing this on a weekly basis. Sometimes I might firehose it to my usual spots. Other times, I’ll go weeks and perhaps even months before I say anything. The fact is that there is a lot of time in my life that is really mundane and commonplace. I try to avoid getting myself neck-deep in drama now. Part of the reason is because I like my peace and tranquility. The other part of the reason is because I’ve reached a point in middle-age where I enjoy being quiet and don’t need the excitement of non-stop life.

And with that… time for some catch up.

I had a scare during my last annual examination. While my blood pressure was sort of good — well more like maintained — blood and urine work came back stating that my kidneys seem to be sluggish and that I needed to come back in a couple of weeks for a follow-up checking. The follow-up check kicked back the same thing: my kidneys were sluggish and that my GP advised I should be seeing a specialist for a follow-up consultation. A Hypertension Nephrologist.

Doing a little research it would seem that sluggish meant diabetes problems; which had been reinforced by the fact that the lab results kicked back that my blood sugar levels were a little high, but manageable. After reading a little about the symptoms of diabetes it dawned on me that the prophecy that doctors and nurses told me years ago that my hypoglycemia would eventually turn into diabetes and that it had hit me in middle age.

I thought I had the same specialist my mother had; but two days before when the office called me to confirm I was coming I found out that it was one of the other doctor’s there. Jesus, the bullshit about changing doctors remains annoying in that the office was trying to push me off to a later date for a visit with the same doctor my mother goes to; and trying to arrange the consultation and test results from the current doctor to the doctor my family goes to was like trying to get congress to pass a law. I left everything as was and got ready to meet with the specialist at the appointed time.

The consultation was as expected. Quick, efficient, and a Creatinine Clearance Test scheduled for as soon as the weekend. The follow up consultation with the results scheduled two weeks after the initial consultation. Fun times there… I had to stay home, which wasn’t so bad. I had to remember to use the jug through the day and night, which was all right, but I was concerned I’d forget at 2 in the morning. I got through it without problem, returned to the office in the afternoon to drop off the jug with the independent lab located in the same building as the specialist and got home to finish my working remotely on the contract that I’m still currently on.

I returned again the Friday after that. The specialist tells me that my kidney functions were good. The sluggishness that was reported by my GP was a false alarm and had hypothesized that the problem might have been because I had been dehydrated (which isn’t possible, because the appointments were latter in the week where I had been drinking 56 – 64 fl oz. (1.6 – 1.8 liters) of water a day for 5 days). Although thinking about it now, I suspect something far more clerical. I think they had been reading the wrong test results for me the first time I went for my tests and then read the same tests again the second time.

I have a follow-up quick blood check sometime this week (although it might be rescheduled as there’s a threat of a blizzard on the day I’m working from home), and then an annual check-up sometime in October of this year. The blood pressure was up because of the holidays coupled with the anxiety that I was having over the thought this specialist was thinking of pulling me off of Metoprolol. What can I say, I like the fact I’m on an anti-anxiety and don’t like the thought of being pulled off of it. It helped with the holidays too…

Now that this was a false alarm, my mother and I are both happy that it’s not happening.

Toward the end of last year, my psycho ex decided to reach out to me one more time. I’m not entirely sure what this motivation was all about. His approach read like a vapid attempt at white knighting… The concern that he had voiced; disingenuous and lacking. Although thinking about it I think he simply didn’t know any better how to approach contacting me. He talked a little about his life since we had broken up more than 14 years ago, and thought that it was perhaps an all right possibility to burying the hatchet with an ex for the first time in my life… the response for my attempt to do the same with him was met with sarcasm, stupidity and the sort of farce that reminded me quickly why I should never talk to any of my exes.

I promptly returned the psycho back to ignore with the vow that he’ll never be coming out of that hole ever again. I then took the opportunity to promptly write my thoughts and feelings for his callous and self-centered response. I almost posted it online back when I wrote it, but discretion coupled with the want for positive karma stayed that impulse. It’s been saved and I occasionally read it if only to remind myself exactly why I shouldn’t ever write to him or any of my other exes again. Better to move on and move forward than try to deal with the nonsense that this had dredged up.

And with that, I think this will be it for the time being. I’m sure I have tons more to write, but at the moment, it’s all still in the works. Until the next time.

The Sleeper has Awakened

09/12/2017 Comments off

Entry 09/12/2017 11:00:45 AM – Mentat 1246

It’s been quite a while since I’ve actually posted much of anything public. Heck, the last time I think I did, it was either my annual examination which I remember vividly I positively despised going through (there’s still moments where I don’t exactly remember what I was doing through the remainder of the day after the anesthesia) or the time I was questioning my continued career in Information Technology. With the former, I’m looking forward to my annual next month, although fortunately for me, there will neither be a proctology examination nor a prostate examination. That will be saved for another few years of which I guarantee I will be saying no to. There’s only just so much of that pre-prep that I want to go through; and what I still vividly recall wasn’t remotely “fun”. I also know my doctor isn’t going to be happy with me. While I’ve gotten back into the swing of things about walking 10,000 steps a day, it was only started this month, so not only am I more than a lot out of shape, but the lethargy as caught up with me.

But that’s something I know that I can weather.

The primary reason why I’m writing is the fact that tomorrow is going to be my 38th anniversary for coming out of the closet. Yeah, I’m still going on strong about being that sort of presence — although it’s often far from the community at large. Since my grandmother’s “gift” has struck me a couple of years ago, it often feels more like the father confessor for anything someone might have on their mind if they see me and decide to open up. Sometimes it’s about sexuality or sexual identity. Sometimes it’s about the plight of the homeless looking for a handout or a suggestion on where to go. Most times it’s about the frustration in local government. I don’t mind any of it really; for as long as I can do what I want to do after those moments, I’m perfectly all right with the interruptions.

While I won’t be able to have a beer (or a six pack as it used to be), thanks largely to the hypertension medicines I’m on, I will be enjoying a bit of Chocolate and Almond Ice Cream tomorrow night instead. What can I say? You might take the club-kid wannabe out of me, but my love of chocolate is still more than happily going strong.

As I said, I’ve gotten back into the swing of things with the walking, but that’s because I’m also (finally) working an assignment at one of the regional banks working the Unix tickets and streamlining the process of the batch files attached to the centralized servers. While I don’t have the coding experience for the batch scripting and having to rely on another of the full time coders that’s attached to another team, I can use my skills from Helpdesk along with managing a team (so to speak) to getting things done. This project is supposed to last a year, but I’m not entirely sure whether I will be able to get it past six months given that it would take that long for me to learn how to code like the contact I have within the company.

It definitely pays well and I should be able to get a stipend going with it by the time I’m through with the contract/assignment.

I also did a massive faux pas on my first day of work. Went with the confirmed business casual approach to dressing for the contact and decided to wear the pair of shoes I used to wear at Lifespan when I was working the floor for at least the last six months I had been working there. Thought they had been broken in as I never had a problem wearing them and walking around the massive office through the night. I think I wore them once walking home from the bus-stop over a weekend and while there was a bit of discomfort, I thought I remembered that happening closer to the time that I first bought them.

Walked to Kennedy Plaza with them and by the time I got to the Hilton (the old Holiday Inn at the corner of Atwells and the on-ramp to 95, the back of my feet were already bleeding. Completely tore up the back of my ankles by the end of the day making the next two weeks of walking to and from Kennedy Plaza completely painful. The back of my left ankle seems to have taken the worse and while it still hurts more than a little, at least I’m able to walk near to my usual pace without feeling like I’m agony making the attempts.

Since the last time I’ve written, I’ve befriended a gay men in the area (hell, within a mile of my neighborhood) which I was fortunate he was understanding of my anti-social tendencies through the summer this year. It’s been fun getting together every couple of weeks (well months, but this will be changing in the next week now that it’s going into autumn) chatting about this and that… Like two old men comparing notes about anything we can think about. There’s moments where it gets a bit rough as he’s definitely attracted to me, but can’t say the feeling’s mutual (remotely). At least he doesn’t press the issue too often and it hasn’t reached the point where I would want to run away and keep distance from that feeling of desperation. At least the good news is that it gets me out of the house routinely enough that I’m not going stir-crazy with Moe.

I’ve also been in touch with a friend from Rhode Island that I haven’t heard from in more than a decade. Originally I met and befriended him around 25 years ago, but shortly after breaking up with Darin and moving south, we sort of lost touch with each other. Then while I was living in Ormewood Park (or was it just as I was moving to Druid Hills), he reached out to me briefly before losing touch again. He’s currently living on the West Coast and in spite of his saying that he’s bad at keeping in touch, he’s doing better this time around. Would like to see how this continues to go.

Speaking of Moe, that good old codger of a cat has become more skittish than ever. Runs and hides under the slightest provocations, sometimes for hours at a time. Eventually he’ll either come out from under the bed, or out of the closet (depending on where he decided to hide) and act as though nothing’s happened to cause him to bolt.

He’s also become even more talkative than Cricket ever was. Seems to like hearing the sound of his own voice more than Cricket ever did and will talk to me from the time I get back home from work, to following me to the sink area for a treat, to even just prior to going to bed at the end of the day. It’s not as though there’s anything wrong with him; when I pick him up and walk around the house, he stops mewing at me. Or when we’re falling asleep he’ll quiet down quickly enough and eventually pass out as I do. It’s just that he seems to like talking is all.

Finally, I’m still happily gaming during my down time. While I might not be playing Star Trek: Online as much now as I used to a year ago, when I do play it, it’s more in a maintaining action than anything. Even though I’m a lifetime subscriber, the game simply doesn’t have the quality of replayability I expect it to have. This might change soon or it might not but as I said… Maintaining action.

Warframe has also sort of taken a back seat as of late since I’ve completed the star map as well as collect/scan all the Cephalon Fragments on all the planets. Now that I’m through with those, as I was thinking earlier, I’m going to need to set myself up some new personal goals for the coming sessions. Whether this is going to be to complete all the missions/side quests that I still have in the queue, work on the various weapons & warframes for my Mastery Rank, get involved in the Trials and Sorties more, or even more relic farming/cracking remains to be seen.

Next month I’m coming up on my one year anniversary with Elite: Dangerous. And like I’ve said to friends time and time and time again: with that game I maintain this love-hate relationship with the physics of that game. I tried getting involved with a player group and later the various streamers and denizens from the player group that could be found on Twitch, but quickly butted heads with one person that accused me of doing something that I wasn’t remotely doing. Apparently I accused him of lying.

The main problem with this is I don’t mince words when it comes to accusing anyone of anything. If I think them I liar, they’ll know it the instant I open my mouth or type my thoughts. If anything I normally defer to their experience as they tend to be with a game longer than I’ve been. However, when he passed summary judgement on what I was saying — which I refuted the entire time — it turned into that ever annoying feminine minefield of, “well you must be calling me a liar” and then took action accordingly.

So I divorced myself from the player group within the first month (of my joining the group) and the first head-butting with this individual, and a day after the time he accused me of calling him a liar. To date I haven’t been back and I don’t recommend anyone playing E:D to checking them out, with the exclusion of someone that I still deeply respect. Heh, the same person that recommended me to join their group. Even then it’s usually sparingly given that person I butted heads with also goes to his channel.

I’ve been making a few casual friends within the game and apparently from the E:D sits Inara. There’s been no pressure to join any other user groups, and those that I chat with in game or Inara are decent enough folk to be hanging around with. I haven’t winged-up with any of them, but I’m sure that when I get back into the Bubble from this deep space exploration mission, they will more than happily do so.

And that’s my life in a nutshell. I’m still alive. I’m not being creative (but that might be changing shortly), and I’m doing well for everything that’s not been going on with my life. I’m usually around… Lurking. So if you find a way to chat with me, hit me up. I’ll listen and put in my two cents.

Until the next time.