Home > Life or something like it > Entry 05/21/2005 01:54:36 PM – Mentat 155

Entry 05/21/2005 01:54:36 PM – Mentat 155


Entry 05/21/2005 01:54:36 PM – Mentat 155

     So much to write about since the last time I sat down and wrote in my journal…  So much to cover both in the routine and the extraordinary.  First the routine… 

     Got a call from my aunt in the middle of the week that my mother had been going into the hospital for some sort of angioplasty surgery on the carotid artery.  Didn’t get the chance to talk to my aunt about it, but she left enough information about the situation.  Something about being 80% – 90% blocked and that the doctor was rather surprised that she hadn’t suffered a stroke from it.  I would like to think this a sincere admission from my mother from her doctor, if I didn’t get the overwhelming feeling that she had used it in a manner consistent with trying to invoke sympathy for her condition, her life, and her ostracizing from the family for the bullshit that she had pulled years ago.  I haven’t heard from my aunt since Wednesday, which is a pretty good chance that things had gone well and that she’s convalescing at home from the surgery. 
     My personal feelings on this has been rather cold-blooded.  Not surprising given that in the five years since the bullshit when she stole from me, she had paid only something like $250 of the $3,300 that she had owes.  I think that after I got the news, I had mulled over it for about thirty seconds, called my aunt back telling her I had received the message and that I would call her this weekend (which is on my "to do"), and pretty much that was it.  Nothing else other than this journal entry. 


     As for work…  I’m hoping that I’m finally into the home stretch for working this particular contract.  Thank the maker too, given the fact that it’s been one of the toughest contracts I’ve worked to date.  It’s not so much the job or the responsibilities of the job, but the fact that I’m dealing with someone half of my age that has positively no managerial experience in their resume.  Not to mention the fact that she doesn’t know a tenth of the program she’s supposed to be working with.  Right now, she’s moved off from Micro-Managing me to the point of utter distraction, through being conciliatory and almost civil, to utterly ignoring me.  While this is generally the acceptable approach to my working within the department — I have to admit that because of all the shit that I’ve gone through on this contract — this ignoring me is making me tense in the way that my instincts are telling me to "…watch it, she’s up to something…"
     When this particular assignment is over, I have seriously re-considered writing reviews of the assignments that I’ve been working.  There’s a method for doing this sort of thing too, that will allow me not to talk about things that I see confidentially, while at the same time either singing the praises of someone competent in their position or razing the incompetent for being put into a position they truly don’t deserve to be in.  Not to mention that I could always use the perspective of being the proverbial outsider looking in — thanks largely to being the temp/contractor that I am. 
     Yesterday while I was at work, I even worked out a preliminary form that I could use in order to describe the pluses and minuses of the assignment.  Even thought that I could mention the assignment by a partial assignment number, which saves me the problems of mentioning the company that I am currently working at. 
     More on that when this position is through. 

     On the home front I’ve been able to solve two things.  The first is that the air conditioner hasn’t in fact totally died like I thought that it had.  Instead, it would appear that the motor for the inner fan for blowing the A/C air is probably in need of either oiling, or WD-40.  Of course, trying to get into the guts of the Air Conditioner is going to be hell to do this sort of thing, given that it’s on the other side of the condenser coils from the inside — and the housing on the outside is next to impossible to get through.  So it takes something like three minutes for the fan motor to go from a total stop to a start…  Which concerns me to no end, because I fear that if I turn my back on the thing, it’s going to go up in flames spontaneously.  I admit that I’m keeping the calling of the rental agency to have it replaced on the queue, given that I’m sure that it’ll be only a matter of time before the Air Conditioner does in fact end up in GE Heaven. 

     The other lovely little tidbit that I had been able to solve had to do with the PC, and the fact that certain things have been acting very strangely on it.  Programs would hesitate or not even load, and other programs were hanging in ways that they really shouldn’t be hanging at all.  I had thought that it was due to the fact that I had loaded Diskeeper and as a service and that it was effecting the way that things were running — so then I had set the thing to run only during the weekend.  Was still feeling the pain, so I had checked the settings for the MFT and did a little research on it.  Reset the MFT higher, and noticed that it had in fact gotten infinitely worse.  Did a little research on it and the settings for it were correct. 
     Came home on Thursday after a particularly long day at work and was going through the routine of dialing in and picking up mail and what not, and saw that things had degenerated 1,000% worse…  Shut down the Diskeeper service, still felt it…  Shut down Microsoft’s Anti-Spyware Program…  still saw programs hanging…  shut down BOINC/SETI@Home.  My god, things started working again, and were loading up properly and with due speed.  I was both relieved and furious with BOINC as it being the cause of my woes for the last couple of weeks. 
     I’m thinking about going out to the BOINC site and complaining up a bloody storm to them that the newest version of the SETI@Home Screensaver/Processing Program has become a hell of a resource hog, and that when it was at 4.00; it was actually better behaved to running in the background than the most recent version (4.09)…  Yes, another thing on the queue — but I’ll work on that later when I’m through with this journal entry

     Oh!  And before I get to the meat of the journal entry…  Two weekends ago…  I was chatting online in one of my particularly snarkish moods in MSN Chat’s Men4Men watching some of the queerfolk falling all over themselves to try to take potshots at the pro-Bitch (Dante).  Seems that Barcode- was the one that wanted to take a shot at Dante, which ended miserably.  See, I’ve always suspected that Barcode- was a lot older than he said that he was (said that he was 28, but the picture that he uses for his profile, has the kind of Ektachrome fade synonymous with a photo that’s clearly 25 years older than it actually is.  The suspicions that he’s a lot older than he says he is, was confirmed with some of the insults and comments that he had thrown out in Dante’s direction. 
     Sad really, as I watched it…  I actually intervened in on it, pretty much trying to confirm with Barcode- that he should simply step back and look for better material, then trying to fight with a drag queen that was already well prepared to deal with the likes of him.  Which in turn, had Barcode- turn on me because he was working on the misconception that "…if I wasn’t for him, I was against him…"  Not that I didn’t mind, as I was able to prove just how much of a mess he was by him taking up that rather juvenile attitude with me. 

     But somewhere during this little ruckus Dante and I were talking in private and he had mentioned that he had been sorry about the fighting that he and I had gotten into a couple of weeks ago..  I admit that I didn’t really forgive him in spite of him wanting to extend the apology — given the fact that he had intentionally lied in order to "put me in my place" — which I admit I find unethical as well as distasteful when fighting with someone.  After all, my beliefs are — if you want to get even with someone — the truth always serves better. 
     I never did get an explanation as to why he had decided on attacking me — other than it had to with something or another that I had said about him "behind his back".  I did apologize to him during this conversation explaining to him that he may have misread my intent — and that I had probably been trying to compliment him in an off-handed manner without trying to take a pot shot at him — something that I’m not rather good at doing given the fact that it’s rather easy to piss him off with off-color compliments.

     However, the kicker of this conversation came towards the end when he mentioned that he wanted to get offline and chat with Joey on the phone and wondered if he wanted to be included in on a three-way conversation with him in Joey.  I had categorically denied wanting to be included in on the conversation.  I think what made this conversation such a kicker had to do with the fact that he [Dante] wanted to play Yenta to see if he could get the two of us back together…  Something I have positively no desire in doing — (not only because of my intense interest in Will, but because I refuse to deal with a chronic pothead like Joey). 
     Dante and I discussed this for a while, and I explained that because Joey didn’t see his smoking almost a bowl a day a problem — I didn’t want to be getting involved in even casually talking with him because of that.  Of course, I didn’t mention the fact that I was already involved with Will to him, mainly because doing so would not only expose a soft spot that Dante would no doubt exploit the next time he felt as though I were "talking about him behind his back" nor did I want news of this getting from Dante to Joey, so that Joey would cause some sort of issue the next time he came online.  So I pretty much stayed silent, leaving Dante with the impression that I was simply not interested, rather than allowing him to know that my interested were vested elsewhere…

[Last edited: 05/21/2005 05:40:03 PM]

     Now comes to the reason why I haven’t written…  And why this journal entry is going to be as long as it’s going to be…  And it started about two weeks ago… 

     If it hasn’t been made clear by this point, I have been incredibly infatuated with Will this last month or so.  As I have said now and again here, and with friends that have noticed a change in my attitude and my temperament,  has entirely to do with my chatting with him routinely, as well as the surprise I routinely feel as I get to know more and more about him.  Two weekends ago, he had found me online and had asked me what I had planned for the next weekend.  I answered the question honestly — telling him precisely what I would be doing, and yet knowing that he was proposing to make the 5 hour trip from his hometown to come visit me. 
     It was an interesting dance at first.  He had clearly hinted at it, even brought up every point under the sun that he was clearing his schedule so that he could come down here for a weekend, but he didn’t once ask whether it was okay or not — even though the both of us were looking forward to the event.  He did finally come around and ask me formally — in an all too sweet and charming way. 
     Of course, this meant that the week was going to drag on and on because I had something to look forward to. 

     But it didn’t go quite as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, I did everything in my power to distract myself to ensure that I didn’t know what day it was, or how many days ’til he would make the jaunt down here to meet face to face.  And I admit that on Thursday — I honestly did lose track of the days for a moment around lunch — which was a good thing, given than I knew that I would be a little too excited looking forward to meeting Will the next day.

     Friday morning went surprisingly well.  I did sleep the night before.  The day flew, in spite of the work environment, and when 1:00 came around, I had run out of there as fast as I could to get home to finish up on the on-and-off two days of housecleaning that I had done prior to Will coming down.  All that I had left to do was the vacuuming, which didn’t take me as long as I thought it was going to.  I actually had enough time to sit around and play a game to pass the time while I waited for Will to show up. 
     I recall he was a little late, but not by much.  (According to what he told me when I first met him, it had to do with roadwork/construction someplace on the other side of Gwinnett — which was cut down to a lane or two…  And he did get a brief taste of the traffic hell at Spaghetti Junction).  But it was funny because in spite of the fact that he had my address, and a satellite photo of the apartment complex with a big white arrow pointing to which apartment set I lived in, I got a call while playing Diablo II from him asking me which apartment I was in.  I remember turning and looking out the front windows to see his car sitting there and him sitting there in the car on his cell phone…  I rushed out of the house, still on my phone to show him where I lived.

     I can remember vividly the first thing I had noticed about him:  his eyes.  He told me that they were hazel, but when I first saw them, they were steel gray, like my grandmother’s (Nana Newlander).  I admit that it was a little difficult chatting with him the first time I had met him.  It was clear to me that he was nervous, and because of his nervousness, I had problems trying to be the grounded and gracious person capable of chatting with anyone about anything.  So instead, I allowed him to take lead and interjected/conversed based on the subjects at hand. 
     I remember really liking him the first time I saw him.  I remember being intensely attracted to him, as I thought while his photos did him justice, they didn’t capture the emotions that I could see him expressing while talking with me. 

     Of course, the good old hell beast — Cricket — got one look at him and was instantly terrified of him.  Tried to get her to introduce herself to him, but that only ended up with her hiding under the bed for hours at a time. 

     We didn’t really do all that much the first couple of hours.  I remember I was doing my laundry, and that we had puttered around the house for several hours, as he had admitted that he was tired from the drive from the Carolinas.  I remember him playing on the computer a little bit, while I folded my clothes.  But that’s about the only thing that we had done for several hours.  It was long after sundown, and for the life of us we couldn’t decide on eating anyplace.  Will named off two dozen places, all of which I’ve never heard of, and didn’t think that they had existed within the Metro-Atlanta area.  I had named off a couple of places, and he didn’t seem too interested in them, or that he didn’t know what to think of them.  As it got later, and I knew more and more places were going to be closing, we eventually decided on going to Chili’s up the street (I knew they were opened ’til 10:30 or so, and seeing he admitted never eating at one, he agreed).  This is where the first disaster struck, and struck hard. 
     Through the course of the afternoon, Will had routinely needed to crack his back because of the stress that he had in driving down here from the Carolinas.  I remember that when he had stood up just prior to us leaving the house to head out to Chili’s and that I could clearly see his back out of alignment.  I could see the precise point where he had been struggling to pop..  So I came up from behind him and picked him up.  I heard the section of his back pop just like it was supposed to.  The next thing I remember was seeing him buckle and go into the fetal position in utter pain. 
     I was wracked with guilt, and devastated with having caused him the pain he was going through, and did my best to try to help him out of the pain that I had caused, apologizing profusely the entire time.  When he had recovered; he had explained to me that there was a nerve pinched in his back in the place where I had popped it, and that if it’s not done in a very precise way, causes him intense pain for quite a while.  He did forgive me, and even if I didn’t show it — I felt bad for the amount of pain that I had caused. 

     Dinner went well, and the conversation continued along a million different and diverse paths, and we came home for the night because he was in pain, and tired, and I was winding down from the excitement of meeting him, the emotionally being drained for accidentally causing him the amount of pain I had caused and the fact that there was an edginess about him that I simply didn’t know how to react to.  So we came home, he took something for the pain, and I remember watching it knock him for a loop and unconscious in something like 25 minutes leaving me to look at him sleeping in my bed. 
     I remember trying to get to sleep with him in the bed, but couldn’t.  I zipped in and out of sleep most of the night, not because of anything he was doing, but rather just how turned on I was lying next to him in bed.  At about 2 in the morning, it was just too much for me, so I took a couple of pillows, my throw, and went to sleep on the floor in the other room because I just couldn’t trust myself anymore.  I remember sometime around 6 in the morning, I uninstalled and reinstalled the previous version of BOINC/SETI@Home getting that problem fixed, and sleeping a couple of more hours on the floor until about 8’ish when I went back to my bed, and wake Will up to see what he wanted to do for the day. 

     We started off with Breakfast at IHOP, and then from there did the shopping thing first at Best Buy, and then Borders, and finished it up with shopping for groceries at Kroger.  It was a whirlwind of sorts both in the locations we hit, as well as all of the different topics we went though.  In fact, we had talked about so many things that I can’t even remember a tenth of the things that we had talked about.  While the conversation was light — there was an undercurrent I couldn’t help but feel, and that was that Will was incredibly distant from me physically and emotionally.  As though he were withdrawn and/or not interested in anything.  I was both concerned and frustrated and didn’t know how to approach him and his standoffishness.  I felt as though I needed more proof, and ensure it wasn’t one of my over-active imagination.  So when we came home from grocery shopping, I decided on finding out whether it was my imagination or not. 
     I gave him a hug when we were in the house.  The kind of hug I would give a close friend.  He returned it coldly, as though he wasn’t really into being touched at all.  Or touched by me.  My mind went in a million directions when I realized this from the way he had hugged me back, and I knew that this was going to end badly…  I didn’t wait too long to ask him about it, and why he had kept me at arms length, and I remember he had looked at me saying that he wasn’t sure how to word what he was thinking.  After about ten minutes of coaxing him into just coming out and telling me what he was thinking he did…. 

     …. He told me that he didn’t find me the least bit physically appealing. 

     It didn’t hit me immediately.  In fact, I admit that I was so shocked that I glazed over it for a moment while trying to allow it to sink in for the "full effect".  But it did finally hit me…  And when it did, I immediately needed air, and to think things through.  So I had excused myself, and went out in the back to sit on the stairs in the fading sunlight, and reflect on just how bad a disaster it had been the last couple of days, between Will’s standoffishness, and my not sure how to approach him because of how attractive I had found him. 
      As I sat there, numb and hurt, I wanted to cry, but I didn’t allow myself to.  I thought it would be best if I waited until Will had left to go home.  For appearances sake more than anything else.  I didn’t want Will to know how hurt I was; as I had reacted to his news more like an adult, and didn’t want to turn this into an emotionally bleeding mess.  I decided to push it off for a while, and went back into the house, once I was ready to face him and be the gracious host I tried being the last couple of days. 

     I’m going to close it off here for the time being.  I’ve been at this for 8 hours now.  More on how this turned out tomorrow.  Until then. 

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