Home > Life or something like it > Entry 06/05/2005 08:41:17 PM – Mentat 161

Entry 06/05/2005 08:41:17 PM – Mentat 161


Entry 06/05/2005 08:41:17 PM – Mentat 161

     Sometimes I wish that life came with a rewind…  And a mute button… 

     Take for example my drama at the end of last week, when I felt like I was used, and betrayed.  I write a Dear John letter to Will because I felt the gamut of emotions that I really shouldn’t be feeling quite so early in the relationship.  And yet, the instant I poured everything into the e-mail, explaining the situation, and then firing it off; I regret doing it.  But me being the stubborn, willful and prideful curmudgeon that I am, I think to myself that I’ve committed myself, and that I should live with the consequences come hell and high water.  This is doubly so, when I check my phone messages remotely (to ensure that the Sprint bill has finally been taken entirely care of), and low and behold, there’s a message from Will…  Saying that he was still up at Brad’s and roommates, and that he hadn’t had the chance to get online. 
     As the Sorceress says in Diablo II, "ahhh…  ooops…"
     Thursday, I continue running the gamut of emotions — this time more towards the negative.  Regret, working its way into shock, and then from shock to numbness.  When I got home, I really just wanted to cry for being such a putz, a fool and a fuckwit, but I was too numb to try.  After trying to putter around the house for a couple of hours, I had put myself to bed at around 8:30 PM, falling immediately to sleep.  Unfortunately for me though — I didn’t stay asleep until the alarm went off.  At around 2:30 in the morning, I had awakened abruptly to the ever so familiar pain of my sinuses, as it became rapidly obvious that the temperatures changed, not to mention the barometric pressures, and I could barely stay in bed while my head was throbbing.  So, up I got, went into the kitchen to make myself an iced coffee (so far the only thing that has successfully gotten rid of these sort of sinus headaches short of an Imatrex shot).  But as a side-effect this also meant that I wouldn’t be going back to sleep for a number of hours.  (The last time I did a huge iced coffee like the one I did Friday Morning — I didn’t get to sleep until 2 in the morning when I drank it down at 4 PM). 
     I was up.  I was chugging down the iced coffee.  I was checking e-mail and RSS news.  Low and behold, I get an e-mail not from Will at this point, but Brad, thinking that it’s his place to be offering advice to something going on that is only partially his business.  He was the last person I wanted to deal with — let alone get involved in giving me  advice in something I was still struggling with.  So I took some of the information that Will had given me during his agonizing about the shit that Brad puts him through, and smacked him upside the head about it.  Which in turn accelerated his testosterone to the point where he had to make some sort of veiled threat in my direction.  But the e-mail argument between Brad and I ended abruptly…  And at first I thought that he had given up for the moment, but the longer I had thought about it during the day, the more I realized that there had been some sort of intervention.  An intervention that was confirmed Saturday morning…  But I’m getting ahead of myself at the moment.

     I had removed Will from ignore (when I had put him in there after the Dear John letter), but left Brad there for the remainder of the time, because I had realized that I hadn’t heard anything from Will on whether what I said to him about being used was true or not (although, the more that I had silence from him, the more that I believed my assumption of the situation more and more correct).  But it was just one of those, "I have to know" sort of deals, because I couldn’t quite live with myself over the thought that I would have made a decision without knowing the facts in the order that I should know them). 
     I didn’t hear or see Will that night — not surprising — given the hours that he works on Friday, and the fact that I couldn’t stay up the time to catch him if he got off of work.  But I did catch him the next morning, and we talked for about three hours trying to work out. 

     More on this later..  I need to get some sleep.  T-Minus 22 and counting… 

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