Home > Life or something like it > Entry 07/15/2005 09:43:48 AM – Mentat 175

Entry 07/15/2005 09:43:48 AM – Mentat 175

07/15/2005
Entry 07/15/2005 09:43:48 AM – Mentat 175
 
     I am seriously tired of the weather patterns here in the south! Right now, it’s got some threat of rain going on, and my sinuses are literally beating the shit out of me. I’m currently working on cup of coffee number two in the hopes that the excessive caffeine will kick in and the pain will abate — but at the moment it would appear that the pain and the pressure has only gotten worse. Add to the fact that I didn’t get to bed last night until almost 2:30 in the morning, and it spells certain pain for me through the morning and the rest of the day. I so want to go home at the moment and sleep this pain off until sundown — but alas, it’s not going to happen. I need the money for bills and rent, more than I need the time off to sleep the pain off. And to make matters worse, because of the headphones that I use that keep more heat to them than releasing — it causes my sinuses even more pain keeping them on my head. Maybe in a little bit, I’ll be able to listen to Gaydar Radio (http://www.gaydarradio.com) in order to keep myself awake.
 
     So, why was I up so late last night? I was chatting with this man from California that was intriguing and fun to chat with. At first, I thought that it was Tom (FishingTom) playing yet another one of his vengeful mindfucks against me because I keep blowing him out of the water with his petty lies and multiple personality disorders. But there’s a general approach to this man that I haven’t seen before in Tom and his attitudes in talking online. I noticed that there are definitive writing style and word choice differences that make me stop and wonder whether I’m dealing with another person, or whether Tom has learned a new trick to work with.
     Of course, there’s the plain and obvious fact that this man and Tom were in the room at the same time… While I know it’s possible to do (as I used to do it with YahElite and Cheetah-Chat), I don’t think that Tom has learned how to do that, given the fact neither Tom nor this man (whom I asked for his name, but he didn’t give it to me, and of whom I’ll call David for the time being) didn’t have the usual tick marks next to their name when viewing them in the room list in YahElite. Not to mention that in the tiff that I had gotten into with Tom back in February — it’s pretty obvious the man has positively no computer savvy when it comes
     One thing that I did notice was that David, didn’t approach me along the concepts of trying to "romance" me, or set up a romantic situation, as Tom has done with the two other fake personalities in the past. In fact, David talks about sexual conquests and the distinct revulsion to emotional involvement with another man. Not the sort of thing that a man in his 60’s with intense depression would be fantasizing about, let alone talking about it. There are other contrasting differences that I’ve seen, but haven’t formulated an opinion on at present — I’m sure I will, even if it doesn’t end up in my journal.
     David’s profile (http://profiles.yahoo.com/lunchboxandthermos) , however does in fact raise some questions. For example, the picture that he has on the profile is part of a collection of photos from the "military series" at during Badpuppy’s (http://www.badpuppy.com) earlier years. In fact, I used to have the collection when it had become available through "public distribution" from Usenet, until I formatted the drives and decided against saving the porn. Not to mention the information is stereotypically über-gay.
     There’s a side note in that during the conversation last night — I had caught an untruth in David’s activities. For example — I had told stressed the issue about his picture could easily be remedied by the use of a cam feed. He had said: "Cam at Work? No." Which doesn’t exactly correspond with his earlier comment that he was actually at home and waiting for friends to come over.
     Bottom Line: while there is sufficient evidence that David and Tom are not the same person; for reasons of dealing with psycho fucks in my life — I am going to remain unconvinced until such time as a live feed is established to show me exactly who David is. Fortunately, there’s no information that I have provided (to date) that could be in any way incriminating, or unusual for the likes of me. Which is an equitable arrangement even if this David were entirely a construct of someone’s imagination — as I remain true to myself even in the adversity of fantasy building on someone else’s part.
 
     I will admit that he did pose a couple of scenarios last night to me that have given me considerable thought. Following are some of the questions posed that I’m going to be thinking about for the next couple of days:
 
 1. Can I be corrupted [further]?
 
     To be perfectly honest, I’ve always considered myself the incorruptible man. Since the time of by breakup with Eric, and all the self-esteem shit that I had going at the time, I had learned to be my own man… To do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted without the influence of others. But let’s take a look at the definition of the word before I continue:
 Corrupt
 
 Verb
 1. Corrupt morally
 2. Make illegal payments to in exchange for favors or influence
 3. Place under suspicion or cast doubt upon
 4. Alter from the original
 
 Adjective
 5. Lacking in integrity
 6. Not straight; dishonest or immoral or evasive
 7. Containing errors or alterations
 8. Touched by rot or decay
     If I do what I want, based on an internal moral compass of knowing what is right and what is wrong, how can I be corrupted? And then you have to take into consideration the only coin that I could possibly be influenced by: Love and Companionship. But those qualities in the form of coin cannot be used to corrupt — unless you look at the changing from a selfish to an altruistic attitude a corruption as well. All the other coins used in corruption: money, sex, power: have very little influence over me.
 
 2. Am I open to the possibility of a man coming into my life? (In spite of all the pain that I’ve gone through)
 
     During the conversation last night, I had covered a whole lot of admissions. I admitted about the bullshit and the fallout since Rick and I had broken up, and the year of therapy that followed. I admitted that after the therapy and the bullshit dating that I did in 2005 that when I actually wanted something serious with Will, I ended up facing all the issues that I thought that I had put to sleep, mourned and buried all the insecurity issues that I had when I was dating Eric.
     When David had mentioned that I was still hurt by it all, I came to the conclusion that I was no longer in pain at all. But I did agree with him that I was pretty much in limbo about relationships and their possibilities. But the question that it spurned during that part of the conversation was more internal — can I stay in limbo about relationships for 10 years? For 20 years? For the remainder of my life?
Honestly, I just don’t know.
 
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     So, it’s almost the end of the day before I head home… I’m exhausted… I’m working on adrenaline and caffeine… And I need to get home before I pass out. Until the next time.
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