Home > Life or something like it > Entry 08/17/2005 11:31:37 AM – Mentat 183

Entry 08/17/2005 11:31:37 AM – Mentat 183


     The nightmares that I’ve been getting the last week, have been getting worse.  At first they were like the one that I had last month regarding Will coming to visit, me missing him, and then telling me that he was leaving and that he was never coming back.  I had about three of those.  But now, I’m beginning to have the work-related dreams that are even more stressful than the fact of working at Concord EFS.  Last night’s dream was especially bad, given that it actually seemed to have happened at a company like Concord EFS.   Strange thing about that dream too — it’s the first time in 13 years that I’ve been living here in Atlanta that I actually had a dream about riding MARTA.  Even had a MARTA card in the dream — although it had been decimated because it was in my pocket unprotected for only the day. 
     Take last night’s dream for example.  I was working in some sort of call center.  I was already hating the job and that I was trying to get out of it, but I was putting it off for a dramatic reason.  As it turns out — that day that I had gone into work within the dream — I had been incredibly late, and only had to work for an hour before I would be heading home.  The office had been totally re-arranged and that there were teams created and working based on division and territory.  I didn’t particularly like the place where my desk had been moved to — not to mention that my desk was mish-mashed together from the flotsam around the office. 
     I had a man for a manager (which is different than the woman that I had been under while actually at Concord EFS), and he had made some sort of noise about the fact that I had been late, and was going on about it.  I told him that I had a doctor’s appointment that day, and I had told him weeks in advance about it, even put it on the calendar for him to see.  He had continued to make noise about it, so I took what little was left at my desk, and left the office. 
     He had followed me out into the glass hallway to continue to berate me about the fact that I had been late, when I told him flat out that I was quitting and that I didn’t want to hear anything else from him.  I don’t remember whether he said anything else to me — but I remember vividly that I wasn’t paying any more attention to the crap that was going on within the company.   When I got outside, I had gone to the bus stop and pulled out my Trans-Card and realized that the thing was pretty tattered.  What stressed me out about the tattered card and realized that while it was still presentable on a bus, that it could be more than a problem getting through the turn gates at the trains.  The last thing I remember is getting on the bus, and trying to show that the card was still somewhat valid for use. 

     Then there’s the dreams about Will that I’ve been having.  They’ve been becoming reoccurring dreams since the first one that I had a month ago.  They usually happen about the same way…  He comes to visit me; I am so glad to see him, try to convince him to stay.  It looks as though it’s going well.  But then there’s some sort of change that happens — something I don’t see as obvious — and then he says that he’s leaving and that he’s never coming back.  The first time this dream happened, I had been shaken…  But after the sixth time, I’m waking up someplace between being an emotional wreck, and the typical, "oh fuck, not again" from having a reoccurring dream.   
     I just wished there was a resolution to this — both the reality of waiting, and the reoccurring dreams that I’ve been having with Will.  There isn’t a day that I’m not thinking about him, and thinking about the utter fuck up that I did with things between the two of us.  Of course, there have been times during my obsessing about it that I had wished that Life came with a rewind button, and I could’ve stopped the stress out I was going through at the time. 
     Not that that’s ever going to happen. 

     Then there’s John (the man that I had talked with at the beginning of the year who had at the point of things going really well — lied and dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of weeks, before I caught him in his lie) who suddenly showed up after dropping off the face of the earth for almost four months.  Changed his nick too, and said that he was incognito or some such.  This time around, he’s a little bit more worse for wear, having had some sort of dating nightmare with someone that he had a crush on near to where he lived.  Unlike the last time — where he had tried to restitute things between the two of us — this time around he’s simply accepting things as they come and simply talking to me; albeit casually. 
     I admit that I’m not too sure how to accept this chat — but it’s been relatively casual — and he’s not wanted to go into much detail about his life, nor ask what’s been going on in mine.  Not that I would tell him readily (even though he can see it here in my Blog).  Chances are, if its anything like the last time — he’ll stick around for about two weeks, and then he’ll wander off for another couple of months. 

     Been trying to talk to a man named Adam from the UK…  I saw him chatting in Yahoo a couple of weeks ago, and had made a comment one day about trying to meet people close to where he lived.  I told him that the best way of meeting people (short of actually getting out of the house and mingling in reality), was to be as personable and as attractive as possible.  He had commented that he had tried, but it was rather difficult as he had done a little online socializing, but there had still been no nibbles.  I had noticed a couple of times that he had run a webcam, and I had been rather flagrant about mooching to see him on cam.  He finally invited me — but the problem was that I was in YahElite — and I know that webcams don’t always work between Yahoo! Messenger and YahElite…  Meds made a comment about connecting anonymously — and I gave it a try.  Took a few attempts as Adam didn’t know it was me trying to make an attempt; but eventually got through. 
     I found Adam to be attractive, and told him that he shouldn’t hide his face any from people, as I was sure that he would be able to attract someone close to home.   When he said that, he smirked on cam, and I was immediately smitten.  In that one smirk — I saw the desire to kiss him for it…  And for the next week, I had flirted with him shameless in open channel about missing him, and looking forward to seeing him.  Then at the beginning of the week (this week) — I had tried chatting with him in private a little and admitted my attraction to him. 
     I’m really glad that Adam is the more down-to-earth of the two of us, reminding routinely of the distances between the two of us.  But Sunday night, when he had told me a little bout himself — the stuff that he doesn’t normally tell other people — not only was I overwhelmed by the things he had told me, but also that I was truly daunted about wanting to talk with him further.  I had to cut the conversation short — mostly because of how daunted I had felt, but partially because I needed to get a Trans-Card for the week.   I told him that the reason why I needed to was because I needed to clear my head, and get over the million thoughts racing about…  He agreed that it may help and that he’d talk to me later…
     The walk…  God, it was surreal.  Instead of going to the Toco Hills Kroger, I went to the Emory Kroger which was closer — and watched the lightning arcing through the clouds as the sun was setting.  Both beautiful and a shade bit terrifying, I had thought that I was going through almost a similar thing with Will..  But the difference between the two was that Adam is more reserved and the distance and country borders between the Adam and me are more daunting.  But on the way back from the story, I realized that the reason why this is so daunting has to do with the fact that I knew so little about Adam — and what I didn’t know I was imagining.  Because of my expansive over-imagination, it would be best for me to learn all that there was to know about Adam, that way I say him as the man that he is, and not the knight that I was imagining. 
     I didn’t expect to see him when I got back from the store — but there he was — and after asking me whether or not I was all right (which I answered truthfully that I was still overwhelmed) — I told him in private that the only way to get over it was to know everything about him that I could possibly know.  Of course, he was under the assumption that he had to tell me right that instant — which he didn’t given the fact that I knew it was 3 in the morning for him…  But he said that may help.. 
     That was two days ago.    Monday — he was off (partially from work., but mostly because I believe he was up as late as he was); and last night he had come on, fairly knackered, and I didn’t know how to approach him — let alone whether I could approach him.  So I left him alone — talked a little with him casually…  Realized that he had been in a private conversation with someone else — and gave him as much space as possible.  
     I still don’t know how to approach Adam…  I’m still more than a little overwhelmed when it comes to him and some of the things that he shared.  Not to mention the enamor I feel towards him, which is not only silly, but also surprising strong in spite of the obsessing I still do about Will.  This makes me want to keep as much distance as possible from him because I don’t want to smother him, or scare him off.   No doubt this is something I’m going to have to think about more in the time to come. 

     So after Adam zipped off for the night, along with the rest of the Brits that make their way to GML:1 — I zoomed off to MSN chat to see what kind of drama and chat was going on there.  At first, it looked like the routine bullshit, until it started getting really thick with the porn talk (which I did my usual prudishness and tried to nip it in the bud by snide, instead of narcing on the lot of them to whatever Host I could find in the lounges).  This of course set off Wes — this middle-aged man that I’ve locked horns in the pas with and didn’t particularly like because he lacked the finesse for such a battle of wit and words — who then got all pissed in my direction again.  Loved it because about 3/4th of the way into the bitchiness one of the hosts that doesn’t put up with any fighting whatsoever (Liberaguy03) came into the channel and immediately hosted up to stop it…  was rather amusing, given that at the time of the hosting, Wes had called me "bastard" of which I answered correctly by saying I was conceived and born within wedlock; which only set Wes off a bitchier path. 
     When things had begun calming down when Liberaguy03 convinced Wes to use the Ignore Feature of chat, MethodicHowie actually commented that he was still looking forward to seeing SweeterJim/Cupcake show up.   Now, I’ve been watching MethodicHowie since his introduction to the room since June, and I rarely if ever saw him say anything without being prompted first.  This was the first that he volunteered to say something first.  So I pressed him to find out precisely why…  Two hours later, I came to realize that the initial physical attraction that I had for him (when I saw his pic in his profile) was backed up by an attraction to his intellect. 
     My god, does he think.  While not as precise as either Will or myself, Howie does in fact think things through in his own way.  I wasn’t able to get him to talk quite like I did Will — I did get him down certain paths that I was curious about since the time that I was curious to know about him.  Yes he’s single…  Yes he’s as defensive as his picture makes him appear (dropped into the appropriate scrapbook)…  All I know is — I look forward to chatting with him more; even if it has nothing to do with what he’s seen and assumed in MSN Chat’s Men4Men. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time. 

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