Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/20/2005 12:03:04 PM – Mentat 190

Entry 09/20/2005 12:03:04 PM – Mentat 190

09/20/2005
     Sunday, I’ve come to realize just how depressed I’ve been…  How rock bottom I have reached.   As I sat here, staring at the chat that had been going on within Yahoo’s Gay Men’s Lounge, I came to realize that through all the shit that I had attempted to work through — the years of betrayal, anger, frustration, hurt, and the minefield that I had run in the four years of a sour relationship with Rick — that the issues that I had dealt with only touched the surface of the hardship and pain that I had been burying in the last decade that I’ve been living here in Atlanta.  I had attempted to run from all the pain, and more importantly, the memories that had always lingered in the places that I had seen in my hometown, only to find that no matter how much I tried to get away from them — those memories and that pain and confusion were still there within me.  I had thought that in my finding a new place to live — hundreds of miles from the stomping grounds that I called home — that I could allow the healing process to occur. 
     While some of the healing did in fact happen — there were parts of me — parts of my core personality that I had left untouched, as a constant reminder and a constant method of being able to self-test and prove to myself and the world around me, just how much I had changed.  How wrong of me to try this method of healing… 
     For in taking the path that I had taken, I missed the opportunity to fully heal.  To lay to rest the pain and the anger and the insanity that my early life that become and become the adult that I had hoped would be able to better take care of myself with.  But the problem is that I don’t truly forget.  I don’t truly allow myself to forget.  When I remember the memory, I remember the emotions that are attached to it, and attempt to keep the memory totally static and unchanging.  In doing so, not only does the memory remain unchanged, but a part of me remains unchanged as well.  So how can I heal if those elements, and those memories remain unchanged in the process?  
     They can’t. 
 
     And so, I sit here thinking about what path could I possibly take in order to let go of the perfect and static memories that remind me of all the hurt that I have experienced, and all the hardship and pain that I had endured, and try to live without the pain and the heartache, and the hardship and try to honestly heal myself from many of the self-inflicted wounds that I carry… And be truly healed. 
     I know that being truly healed is just a pipe dream, something that someone cannot truly attain until the time of their death, but it’s something that I could strive for in order to not be so angry, or so depressed, or even so hateful of the circumstances I have put myself in, or scorning the people around me that seem to live in a bigger fantasy world than I myself live in sometimes.  
 
      I just don’t know… 
 
     There had been a couple of noteworthy events that occurred in the last week that have given me some pause, and had me wondering just what path exactly I’m supposed to walk.  The first that comes readily to mind dealt with Buff (in Yahoo’s Gay Men’s Lounge: 1) from Saturday night that had lead to a chain of events between himself, Luke (from the UK), and indirectly me.  The events themselves were typical — he who has the best booters, gets to fawn over the rest of chat as though they owned it…  In which case this is clearly Buff — who since Nick and Anton’s disappearance from the GML:1 waters, has got the best toys in the group.  But the attitudes that he has sported since acquiring those booters has intrinsically and grossly changed the attitude that he’s had with the people in chat.  Some of which have been the people that he calls friend. 
     Is it envy of that power?  A little bit. 
     Is it the classic Greek saying, "power corrupts…"?  Absolutely.   It’s a classic example of what happens when someone has the power over other human beings in order to get them to shut up and allow someone usually incapable of being at the top of the heap — to attain the top of the heap they’re not able to best handle. 
     It is because of this corruption that his attitude towards those opening, has accentuated that which he routinely is in private — that makes him to be nothing more than a "conniving worm with a gun" in my opinion. 
     You see, there has been an ongoing issue between Luke and Spuds (a rather uppity, annoying pain in the ass from Australia) involving a word which had set Luke totally off, and has sparked a hell of a battle of words between the two of them whenever Spuds comes into the Lounge.  Luke believed that Buff had done some "shit stirring" Saturday night involving that word and the battle between Luke and Spuds in order to determine the truth of the situation.  Unfortunately though — Buff was heavily under the influence of liquor and because of it wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind in order to best handle the situation.  Which only made an already bad situation worse.  And yet, instead of knowing better — Buff being a man — let his ego and his testosterone do the dictating for him, and ended up alienating Luke in the process. 
     I had spent the next couple of hours in a private conversation with Luke calming him down and explaining not only why I had said what I had said about Luke’s reaction to Spud’s accusation and use of a specific word, and how it was apparent that Spuds only continues to use that word because he knows he’ll be able to get a rise out of Luke, because it’s a button to be pushed.  During the course of those hours, three issues had come up, two being part of this chain of events, one entirely separated.   The first two involved that fact that Luke had brought to my attention that Buff routinely doesn’t say a tenth of what’s going on in his head, instead talking in PMs with someone and heckling the person talking without actually saying it to the person’s face.  While I wasn’t entirely surprised to hear this — it did take a couple of hours for it to sink in and realize that I’ve known this about Buff for some time, and that perhaps it was time to deal with this in the way I know how to best — by setting up the situation and then confronting the person in order to bring them down a peg or three. 
      The second had to do with the realization for Luke that he really wasn’t as close to Buff as he thought that he was.  Tough realization that…  As it frequently leads to the realization and the feelings that a person was being used as a Father Confessor (or worse), and that there wasn’t a mutual feeling of respect/admiration or like.   However, the last issue that had come up was the one that gave me the most amount of pause.
 
     During the course of the conversation between Luke and I, we had talked about what it was like living alone, without companion or partner, and how Luke had that many more years experience with it than I had.  He had found within himself the inner peace that was necessary for living life alone, and how with that inner peace that he didn’t need anyone in his life in order to feel complete.  I had agreed that it was the right attitude to have, however that sometimes it’s nice to be able to share that inner peace with someone else, not so much to make oneself feel whole, but more over the fact that it’s nice to be able to hear someone else’s voice other than one’s own. 
     Luke had asked me whether I was looking for another relationship, and based on the heartache I’m still feeling about Will, and the regrets of the pains that I had caused, I had flat out said that I couldn’t see myself in another relationship any time in the near future.  But in my heart of hearts, I wasn’t so sure this was the exact truth either.  I shrugged it off at the time, promising myself to think about it at a later time — and sitting here writing now — I still have this "wait for a while and visit it later" feeling to it. 
     Luke had said that he wouldn’t turn a blind eye if ‘…Fate had decided to come knocking on his door and swept his heart off its feet…’ (or something to that extent).  However, as I examine it a little though; I realize that there is a danger to being that independent, and that if I were to take the path that Luke has taken…  That there is a strong possibility that I wouldn’t be able to see whether Fate was in fact knocking at my door — given that sometimes Fate has a habit not of trying to knock one’s door down — but instead simply giving one knock and moving on to the next person’s place.  I see that happened with Luke even now — as I see that there’s another man that’s rather taken with Luke (by the name of Dave).  Yet, because Dave isn’t the perfect independent, Luke doesn’t see that Fate is in fact knocking even now. 
     That scares me…  That this sort of thing can happen to me if I continue on the hard path of "man as an island…" That I would stop hearing Fate knocking on my door; unless she was trying to break my door down. 
 
     Another event that had given me pause had to do with Paul in California…  Paul had pretty much fallen off the face of the Chat map, sometime near the beginning of the year, when unbeknown to me, he had become homeless.   Now, Paul had been showing up more and more in chat the last couple of weeks, and had a couple of weeks ago — asked whether he could live with me clear across the country.  At the time, I had said, "you can’t be serious", and tried to pooh-pooh it off to some sort of joke.  However, Sunday night, as I was getting ready for an early bedtime (10 PM which would’ve been the first in weeks), I had gotten an overwhelming feeling to come online… 
     Turned out Paul had been looking for me and was having some sort of problem with the computer that he uses at the cyber-café (involving the firewall suddenly blocking ports 5190 (AOL/ICQ), and 8000 (http)) and that he was wondering if I could help him through working out the problem.  As it happens, I couldn’t because it was something that had to be looked into server-side (which wasn’t going to happen as the owner was going to check it around closing time), and that I had spent a couple of hours chatting the time away with him. 
     Paul asked again whether he could come live with me…  And in the one moment when he had asked me in Voice-Chat through Paltalk just how serious he was about it.  Where I was able to push it off the last time — this time when it only involved him and me — I couldn’t possibly say no.  I told him the truth however, about my current plight — and how it would be tentative at best.  And yet, even though he knew me to be just as serious, he said that it would be cool; and that perhaps we could meet halfway between Georgia and California to live.  (Heh, like that’s going to happen.  I’m not going to live in Kansas which is half-way between the two states). 
      Paul had mentioned something else — something about being confused — however, he couldn’t get into it with me in Voice Chat because he was at the cyber-café.  But the undercurrent of it had to do with his sexuality and the situation that had been going on in his life…  I felt bad for him, and wish that an opportunity comes up where he’ll be able to talk about it.  Would like to know whether I can help… 
 
     That’s about it for the moment…  I may be back later to write more, or I’ll write again tomorrow.  Until then or the next time…
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