Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/29/2005 12:54:23 PM – Mentat 191

Entry 09/29/2005 12:54:23 PM – Mentat 191

     Another sleepless night last night…  Sat up ’til about 3 in the morning watching Twister for the second time.  Now that I’ve seen the movie again, at least now I know why the woman that was in Minority Report seemed vaguely familiar…  She was the aunt in Twister and her name is Lois Smith (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0809135/).  It was rather interesting watching it that late at night.  As I sat there and watched it, it had occurred to me that while some of the story was interesting — most of it was incredibly formula.  I didn’t realize as I was sitting there just how formula Spielberg films can be when it comes to the human elements.  What I mean is the elements between William Harding (Bill Paxton) and JoAnne Thornton-Harding (Helen Hunt).  There they are, in the final throes of a divorce between the two of them; with William Harding coming to collect the divorce papers so that he can marry his new girlfriend — Melissa Reeves (Jami Gertz).  Low and behold, JoAnne shows Bill, Dorothy (a machine used to determine the patterns within a tornado) and they fall into old familiar patterns of tornado chasing across the Midwest.  Add a whole lot of special effects, with the famous scene of the cow flying through the air — and the entire human element is downplayed to the awesome power of Industrial Light and Magic.   I admit, that while it was a good distraction to the fact that I couldn’t sleep — when it comes to the issues that I’ve been facing and going through — it’s a paltry distraction. 
     My cat sort of took a turn for the worst by the weekend last weekend.  Seems that just as she seemed to have been doing rather well with eating and moving her bowels, it was a step back to her throwing up and being constipated.  Let me tell you it was annoying as fuck having to clean up that mess on Sunday.  She seems to have stabilized once again though, and she’s even showing a bit more energy than she was last week — now being able to get up into the front window to sit and watch the goings on outside without me having to pick her up and put her in the window.  Now if only I could get her to eat without my having to hand feed her.  That would be really nice. 
     As for me and my life…  Went for several job interviews this week, and a couple more last week.  Didn’t get anywhere with them — and the two that seem to be noteworthy seem to be taking their sweet ass time making up their mind as to who they want to hire.  One is working third shift at a local tech support company.  The other is a no-brainer of a job working at a grocery store.  My experience though is that if they don’t come right out and ask me when I could start — they’re just not interested in hiring me. 
     To make matter worse — I’m still trying to work out unemployment — which has turned into a major mess.  Seems that they had lost my application during the waiting process, and now I have to start the waiting process all over again.  I tried to see whether they had any record of my being there — they said that they didn’t.  Unlike the Rhode Island Labor Bureau — here in Georgia they don’t give the applicant any forms to keep.  At least the Labor Bureau that’s down the street.  So I’m back to waiting again – however, they weren’t clear whether or not it was going to be the same waiting period that I had going the first time around.  I’ll know for sure come Monday. 
     I admit that it would be really nice to win the lottery and never have to work ever again.  But my luck hasn’t quite panned out in that direction; no matter how much I wished that it would. 
     My personal life as usual is someplace between non-existent and in a state of stasis.  What looked like something moderately promising with Rocky (from Yahoo!) took a twist for the worst when the only thing that Rocky would do when chatting was make semi-comical comments about his non-existent sex life, talk about how miserable his life was, and generally bring up the issues of being picked on by the folk at college.  I had tried to recover from some of that negativity — but in the effort to everything came out feeling incredibly forced.  At the present time though, I’m taking a time out from it — hoping that Rocky will be able to work out whatever issues that he has going for him.  While I like him — I seriously do get tired of being his shoulder to cry on — especially when he has the habit of wanting to listen to himself cry about the way things are, instead of listening to common sense and reasoning.  Hell — to make matters more difficult, Rocky refused to listen to common sense about going to a clinic to have the UTI he had going checked.  He thinks that it’s been cured as it’s no longer hurting the way that it was — but I had to reinforce to him that just because the pain and some of the obvious symptoms are gone — doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily been cured.  Of course, he turned it into a ploy of, "all the more reason to allow myself to die…"  Which totally set me off and pushed me away in ways he doesn’t fully realize. 
     Howie and I have started chatting again…  He even added me to his messenger so that he could catch up with me outside of MSN Chat.  However, he has yet actually launched Messenger to talk to me there.  Weird conversation there…  He had accused me of holding back during the conversation in the middle of the week — and when I had asked him what he thought I had been holding back on — he refused to up and tell me what he believed that it was.  After a little of back and forth, and a serendipitous comment, I took the liberty to draw it out for him again.  After listening to me about it he said something to the extent to me that "it all fits…" or something along the lines (I’m back to not sleeping well because of the change in temperatures and the routine/usual stresses); and while I’ve told him that he can talk about anything that he wants — he hasn’t opened up any dialog with me privately since my admission again. 
     *sigh* I swear some men really do need to learn how to take things into control instead of turning all passive-aggressive about it and think that if they ignore it long enough, it’ll sort itself out.  I swear if this is going to turn into another few weeks of silence and disappearance, only to think it’s going to sort itself out again, I swear I’m going to draw it out for him by the numbers so he understands how to better handle things. 
     As for Paul in California…  What a bunch of confusion there.  One day at the beginning of the week he was at work talking about the ongoing issues with some of the crews he’s been part of.  Said that there were folk that were trying to hack his system, and that they weren’t very successful at it.  He even challenged me to hack his system…  I thought about it a moment, and then realized that this wasn’t exactly his computer which I would be hacking into, but a work-related computer network.  I got cute and decided on asking him what the prize if someone was successful, and at first he had said something to the extent that it was some sort of gratitude..  I said to him, "gratitude?  Most times hacking systems is a cash prize…"  to which he responded with, "me". 
     Man, talk about a moment’s confusion.  It took me almost three days to work my way through the confusion, of which what I was left with is not so much confusion, but warning bells and hesitations.  Sure, I like Paul.  Like him a lot…  But it’s the kind of like that comes with familiarity and friendship from knowing someone for a long time.  And while it’s complimentary that he would want something more of it — at the same time I’ve got all sorts of warning bells going on that his attraction has to do with his current situation and wanting a sanctuary…  Not to mention that there’s something in the way that he says things that I can’t entirely be sure whether he’s being serious about it or not.  
     Last night — I tried to testing his flirting in my direction last night.  Rocky had mentioned earlier yesterday that a friend of his had a camera phone and that he wanted to finally work on a picture or three which he could use to hand out on the Internet as well as put one up on his profile.  Went into Gay Men’s Lounge on Yahoo, hiding out using one of my Japanese nicks while at the same time keeping connected through Trillian.  Paul saw that I was in Gay Men’s Lounge: 1, but I didn’t have voice on, and demanded that I come up. 
     I told Paul that I had left the room some time ago, and that he was seeing the routine ghost of leaving too quick.  But I told him I was hiding out waiting for a friend to come online to see whether he had finally worked on the picture he had been promising, but I told him to guess which nick I was in the room.  He didn’t.  So I started PMing lewd comments to him.  According to him he didn’t see them because they were rejecting.  However, I showed him the comments, and he didn’t really flirt back or even comment on them.  So, I let it go, and eventually went to bed. 
     Here I am talking about the manner for which Howie doesn’t want to take the bull by the horns and confront my attraction towards him, and yet here I am sitting here thinking about the flirting and the lack of response from both him and myself, and I’m seriously considering sitting there quietly and waiting ’til it all sorts itself out.  Heh, listen to me, given that I think it’s not right that Howie’s doing it, and here I am considering it myself. 
     I think I’ll have a chat with him later one when he comes online to get it all sorted out.
     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time. 
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