Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/07/2005 11:14:25 AM – Mentat 197

Entry 11/07/2005 11:14:25 AM – Mentat 197

11/16/2005

     All right…  I’m once again having a hell of a time trying to sit here and write in my journal.  And it has everything to do with the amount of guilt I seem to be going through.  Here I was thinking that the move would be a good thing for me, and that changing locales as well as dealing with some of the issues in a different environment would be therapeutic for me…  But instead of being good, it turns out that my own guilt is being compounded over the events that have been going on since I’ve been rescued by Jeannie and Charlie… 

     For example — in the last journal entry — I had mentioned that the washer had died while I had been using it, and how guilty I had felt over the fact that it had died while I had been using it. 

 

     A couple of days later, as it turns out cockroaches were seen around the kitchen.  Turns out that there were some in the butcher block knife set, and it was because of me that an infestation of cockroaches may have entered into the house.  While they’re young, even if one young gets away, the place will be crawling with them in a number of weeks.  And once again, I feel as though it’s my fault because I didn’t take the correct precautions against transporting them here. 
     Today’s incident is the one that really sets everything off and down a path that’s seriously making me question the choice in my coming here.  While watching the History Channel, they had a special on the World Trade Center — the history of its construction, and the destruction of them during the 9/11 attacks just over four years ago.  Anyway — Jeannie thought it would be a good time that she quote a section of the Bible to me from Revelations involving the fall of "Babylon"… 

     Now, anyone that has ever dealt with me in a metaphysical or religious debate knows that I have some severe issues with the glamour of prophecy.   I don’t believe in prophecy given the fact that prophecy oftentimes deals with vagaries both intentional and unintentional, and that what can be the prophecy of one age, can several thousand years later seem to fit in with the events in the here and now.  Hell, even with my ability to foretell the future through dreams and/or nightmares can be attributed to my ability to accurately trend based on the information given to me both in the news and through activity/inactivity.  It’s also well known to the people that have seen me on the Internet — that shortly after the destruction of the World Trade Center I had liberally taken a stick to those Bible Thumpers who were attributing the Terrorist Attack to this being another sign of the "Fall of Rome" that is the United States of America. 

     Please…  

     There are several issues with Revelation, given the fact that it talks about the Fall of Babylon (which in 90 – 96 AD was considered ancient history even to those that told the oral histories to the Hebrews), and that there is also talk within that book involving the Ultimate End of all life on the Planet…  I tried to put perspective on the history at the time, and how the Hebrews and Israelites at the time were under the oppression of the Romans (given that the Middle East, like the lands to the north in Gaul and Germania were extremely difficult for the Romans to keep under control). 

     She wouldn’t have it.  In fact, she had said that, "…we could debate this later, as she did not want this debate in front of her son…"  According to what she had told me was that she wanted to have a hand in her son’s faith and it’s development, and that she wanted positively no dissention in that development.  Effectively, she had used her son as a shield to stop any such debates or discussions from going any further. 

     While I had apologized profusely that it had taken the path that it had taken, as I headed up stairs to get myself cleaned up and dressed, I looked down at my hands and realized just how much they were shaking from the powerlessness I was experiencing at the hands of frustration, anger, and the feeling of watching a friend use their child in the way that they had done.  In fact I also feel intimately betrayed that this isn’t the first time that she had done this.  The first time was about four days prior when I was showing Sam some of my games, and I had accidentally shown him one of the couples I have running in the Sims.  Sam had reacted adversely to it, although he didn’t do so in front of me at the time.  I was in the wrong for what I had done, and I felt intimately guilty for it given that Jeannie certainly laid down the law in a justifiable manner… 

     As I took my shower, I thought about just exactly how I could get out of here and where I could possibly go.  
 

     Yesterday, I had given Jeannie & Charlie the remaining $140.00 that I had in my wallet to assist in paying for the replacement washer.  Jeannie had said that she would get the money back to me today, yet as I was taking my shower, I realized that I wanted none of the money back.  In fact, as I was showering I thought that I could use that money as part of debt that I owed her and her husband for rescuing me from Atlanta.  In fact, while I was showering, and as I am sitting here, I’m seriously thinking that whatever else I own here could be sold for that debt; and simply heading home.  The only thing from my computer that I’m seriously thinking of keeping is the portable drive, as it contains everything that I have of my life since I’ve been working on a computer these last 8 years since I had moved to Atlanta.


     To make matters more complex…  After a week of debating as to whether or not I should call Jeff over in Du Bois (interesting thing that.  Around here the folk call it doo BOISS, where if we were in New England, that would be said doo  BWAH) — I finally did.  What started out like a routine chat about things that I’ve missed in the last week ended up with him offering that I go with him to New Mexico in a couple of months to help him and his family with the establishing of a second office out there.  I haven’t even met the man, and he’s making that sort of offer, sight unseen and almost entirely on blind faith. 

     I told him that I was honored and surprised that he had offered that sort of thing to me.  I had told him that we had three months to figure each other out, and see whether such a trip is going to be possible.  But after all the shit here with Jeannie & Charlie — and all the things that I feel as in some way my fault since I’ve shown up here — I think that I’m going to turn him down gracefully to looking into it further.  Part of it has to do with the fact that he’s rushing entirely too quickly into things.  Part of it has to do with the fact that even as I sit there and talk with him — he mentions nothing about feelings,  and less about his thoughts, and takes the road more towards faith and less towards experimentation and scientific understanding.  But mostly, as I sit there and talk to him, I realize just how much he drinks and he smokes — and while it seems to be a good thing for him — to me, I can’t deal with the though of a man that is routinely referred to by his cousins and nieces and nephews as "Uncle Wastie". 

     I’m not sorry when I say that I don’t want that sort of attitude in my life.  I’ve had my fill of it when it comes to Darin when Darin used to abuse pot, and prescription medications because he didn’t want to deal with me, or any of the issues that were coming up in our relationship.  Nor do I want to see a repeat of abusive alcoholism like I did with Rick after his date rape… 

 


 [Last edited: 11/07/2005 01:26:41 PM]

 
     Went downstairs to clean out the fountain and tip for the pen that I had and Jeannie wanted to apologize again for the way she had taken out her faith on me.  She said it had to do with the fact that she was 10 days late with her period, and that she’s been extremely irritable about the money issues and everything else going on.  While I had accepted her apology, I still am going to sequester myself to my room whenever possible, and stay out of their hair.  I am also going to look into a job, as well as finding a method for getting home to Rhode Island.  But more on this later…

     Until later or the next time…

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