Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/13/2005 08:26:56 AM – Mentat 200

Entry 11/13/2005 08:26:56 AM – Mentat 200

     Definitely an odd dream last night…  At least the one that I can readily remember anyway. 
     In this particular dream, I was working as some sort of hacker.  Someone that had access to some pretty incredible programs, software, and hardware that was capable of disrupting telecommunications, cell phones, and even some minor electronic equipment.  I had been working with a team of college kids that most of them were graduating from school and moving on.  I remember that I was being hunted by the authorities — either the FBI or local law enforcement.  Because of my affiliation with a senior that had far more potent tools and equipment, I had been able to successfully elude capture by the local law enforcement, but the FBI (or was it the CIA, I can’t remember which it was) wanted to capture me not so much to prosecute me, but to get me to stop what I was doing. 
     At one point in the dream, I remember that the FBI was awfully close to catching me and I remember that I was at the campus (although I don’t know which school it was), and seeing them combing the grounds to find me and the senior which I had been working with, but wasn’t able to successfully get a bead on me.  I think it had to do with the fact that their equipment would routinely break down, and when it did, they couldn’t figure out where to go from there. 
     Several months passed within the dream (as I remember), and that the posse/group/cabal/coven that I had been part of were getting ready for graduation and going into the private sector.  The thing that I remember most vividly about this was the fact as they were getting ready — the particular senior that I had been working closely with had told me the secrets of much of software that he had been using, and expected me to keep up the work that he had been performing.  I had come to the work area (which looked more like some dingy, underground sort of hovel one would see in either a game like Half-Life, or some hack and slash movie.  Perhaps even like some of the underground passages and side work areas like in the movie Resident Evil. 
     I remember as I was there talking with him, he asked me whether I had brought some of my equipment (laptop and a couple of the gadgets that I would attach to it in order to wreck the most amount of chaos — and I told him that I had left it elsewhere, but they were easily accessible.  But the truth of the matter was, I had misplaced them someplace and that they were in danger of being discovered by the authorities.  There had been a laptop left in the work area, one that one of the other students had been working with, which I offered to take (in spite of the fact that the laptop was going to be shut down and taken by the senior I had worked closely with.  I said that I would keep it for a few and determine who’s laptop it was, but I didn’t get the chance, as one of the other seniors had closed it up and took it with him, insisting that I should go find my own equipment and download the software from the designated locations. 
     Clearly this is one of those remnant memories of when I was chatting with A1 and Pyro and trying to understand the mentality of online gangs/crews.  And I can accurately track it to the e-mail that I had received from Paul in my MySpaces inbox.  Strange that I couldn’t lock onto Paul or any of the others from that group and had to create real time people to fill in the blanks.  As for the local authorities/FBI/CIA/NSA…  I have to admit that it has been influenced by my predilection towards whodunit shows like Numb3rs and Practical Magic which I had watched last night. 

     It’s another grayish day here in Pennsylvania.  While I had routinely awakened with the sun (and there was plenty of it not too long ago), it appears to have disappeared behind some rather clouds that seem to be threatening either rain, freezing rain, sleet or snow for the day…  Watched the weather reports last night, and they had said that there was a strong chance for rains and sleet through the day.  Heh…  And here I was thinking about taking some time this afternoon to take a walk around the area, borrow Jeannie’s camera, and see whether or not I could take a couple of pictures of the area for my Travel/Scrapbook section. 
     As I sit here, recovering from my downward mood swing from last night, and taking an internal temperature, I realize that after a night’s sleep, I’m sort of back to where I should have been during yesterday’s entry. 
     She [Jeannie] was right Friday…  Even if I didn’t want to admit it at the time.  I need to get out more.  I need to walk around the neighborhood to get a feeling of it.  I need to get in touch with my surroundings in order to understand the heartbeat of the area.  And in the two weeks that I’ve been here, I haven’t done anything of the sort.  Sure, I had done so through Ligonier, and a couple of other places with her — but I haven’t done it with the area that I’m currently living in.   I admit that I didn’t want to.  It has entirely to do with the fact that part of me doesn’t want to call this home.  That this is going to be nothing more than a stopping point before I move someplace more urban (like Pittsburgh for example).  I realize even unconsciously when I start liking a place — or getting used to the heartbeat of the area — I won’t want to move on.  It has to do with my desire to lay roots in the area where I lay my head down on my pillows at night. 
     But perhaps I shouldn’t be so hellfire ready to move on yet — because I have things that I still need to work on… 
     For example…  Over the last couple of days, both Charlie and Jeannie had said something to the extent that neither of them want me being a hermit up in the room in the attic.  But I don’t think that they understand my reasons behind my sequestering in the way that I do.  I need to recharge.  Like it or not — dealing with people has been extremely difficult for me to do.  I have always been a loner, and because I’ve been a loner I’ve come learn my own language, and shortcuts, which makes it extremely easy for me to communicate things from one part of me to the other.  It’s extremely taxing and extremely challenging for me to have to translate my thoughts to people that I’m only casual with.  And like it or not — even my closest friends I’m still emotionally and intellectually casual with primarily because I don’t want to burn them out with the amount of thinking and the amount of feeling that I do in the course of an hour, a day, a month, a year. 
     The only person that I don’t edit all that much with would be the man that I call Partner.  That man gets it all, even the shortcuts.  I do it so that the man whom I call partner learns how to deal with me, without me having to go through all the mental hoops or play the emotional hopscotch that I need to play with people in order for them to understand where I’m coming from.  Not all the men that I’ve called "Partner" or "lover" has been successful in fully understanding or comprehending where it is I’m coming from. 
     Rick either plainly didn’t understand, or didn’t want to take the time to learn.  Like so many within the community — Rick was too wrapped up with what the package was (not necessarily just the physical — but also the stereotypical trappings of what it is to be "intellectual" or "smart" and so on). 
     Dan was simply out of his league, given the fact that I was his first relationship and he didn’t understand the so-called "Book of Relationships" as he was just starting to write his own. 
     Darin on the other hand did know; and it scared him because I would frequently go places that he would skirt, or simply didn’t think it necessary to delve into. 
     Heh…  Tommy…  I don’t think that Tommy cared to know.  He was just happy to be in love with someone that loved him back.  And at the time that was the most important thing for the both of us.
     And Eric?  God, even looking back to the time when I had dated him, I was leaps and bounds ahead of him and he would never understand where I was coming from.  But at the same time, I had no self-esteem at the time, and he took advantage of that for his own purposes.
     I was extremely lucky with Will.  Will actually challenged me with his shortcuts and word usages which were in fact leaps and bounds ahead of me at times. 
     It’s kind of funny…  There was a moment a couple of weeks ago with Jeff that I got the impression that he might understand where I was coming from.  But the thing was at the very same, I realized that the man has positively no grounding, and that I would have to be the ground for which the two of us would need to walk.  But more on that in a moment, methinks. 
     Another thing that I’ve been grappling with has to do with Jeannie’s offer for a "Debutante Ball"…  She had asked me why not (or something along that theme), and I told her that I really didn’t want to.  I made some sort of comment to her that I didn’t want to find myself re-inserted within the [gay] community.  I didn’t go into the details, and she had said something in conclusion about "…I don’t know how someone that has seen so many friends die [like you did] can still be all right [in the head]…"
     I didn’t comment on it, but the fact of the matter was, while it had in fact left a profound impact on my life — it had given me the unique pleasure of understanding the difference between life and death.  And in my own uniquely bizarre way — I’ve come to appreciate and enjoy my position as being part of the living.  It has in fact, given me an inner peace that not everyone can understand, let alone read.
     But the fact of the matter is — I don’t want it for two reasons.  One that is apparent, one that isn’t. 
     The most apparent is the fact that I don’t like the social settings and social trappings of the [gay] community.  I don’t like the games, I don’t like the survival techniques that folk use in order to survive amongst the backstabbing and head games so many people play.  It’s extremely tiring to have to constantly remind people that the games I play are my own, and if they want to play them with me, playing them comes with consequences they aren’t going to like nor appreciate.   Sure, I sometimes get the respect that I deserve or at least warrant…  But because I play to win, folk often are afraid of me.  They’re afraid because they don’t know how to read me…  Which leads me to the unseen point. 
     As I’m fond of saying, "…I hide things in plain sight…"  What this often means is that I say precisely what I mean, and mean precisely what I say.  No more, no less.  If I’m going to share something with someone, I do so without hidden meaning, and without any secret messages.  If I comment on something, I comment on something.  Society has taught people to look for hidden meanings and secret messages because people simply don’t know how to speak their mind usually because too much pride is involved, causing people to have to mask their thoughts, their feelings, and their messages.
     I…  don’t… hide… what… I… say… And when I usually do, it’s because I’m joking or jovial and wanting to challenge the person into thinking along a different line of thought (usually a more comical one). 
     I get extremely annoyed when I hear people read into something that I said thinking something along lines I wasn’t remotely near consciously or unconsciously.  (Something of this sort happened a couple of days ago, which I’m going to footnote as happening, but not talk about as example…  And yes, even three days later, it’s still bothering the hell out of me). 
     I’ve gotten tired of having to explain to people that I’m different.  Very different.  If it’s not something I want to talk about, I simply don’t talk about it.  I don’t make comment on it, I don’t bring it up.  I will either put it into my journal, or I keep it to myself while I continue to chew and digest why I’m feeling what I’m feeling, or thinking what I thought.  But when I’m ready to share — I will share openly and directly without any hidden meanings or secret messages.  And it’s because of this trait, that I don’t want to have to explain to the people whom I call friend "… this is who I am…" or "…this is how to read me…"
     Because like it or not — no matter how many times I try to draw out the roadmap to people reading me — they will damn well do it however the hell they please, and will do so in a manner totally against everything I told them as the truth with me.  So it’s easier to keep to myself than having to deal with the aggravation of watching people’s shock and horror when they realize I told them the truth the entire time. 
     Well…  I’ve been at this entry for about two hours now…  And my internal temperature is saying that I’m feeling pretty damn good at the moment having had let out many of the things that I had been working on yesterday.  There is still a couple of matters that I would like to talk about, but I’ll either talk about them later…  Or will hold off until another journal entry… 
     Until later or the next time…
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