Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/15/2005 02:06:09 PM – Mentat 201

Entry 11/15/2005 02:06:09 PM – Mentat 201

11/16/2005
     I’m having a hell of time putting together an e-mail to the people that I had left behind when I had made the move here, as well as the people I had said bye to on the Internet.  I had the right sort of idea yesterday when I had sat down and started writing it — but then I had hit a hell of a snag when I got to the point where I had not only began admitting that I had been depressed for a number of months alongside the unconscious feeling that I had  begun down the same path my mother had taken through guilt and denial, which lead to her stealing from my aunt (her sister) and me.  It was then that I had suffered from a hell of an anxiety attack and I had to step away from writing for the time being because it was just too painful and too scary to continue. 
     Now that I have the time to sit here and write again, I find that it’s extremely difficult to continue where I left off because I’m running once again into the anxiety of trying to get through the admission. 
 
     Man, is this so annoying… 
 
     I’ve also been torn as to whether I should go with individual e-mails to the people I want to write, or to do a mass e-mail to everyone and let them sort it out.  While it may be easier for me to put together a mass e-mail and let friends and family sort it out — on the flip side there are parts of my family that I’m sure that are going to be rather outraged when it comes to the things I’ll air for the public to read.  Particularly about my mother and the betrayal she had pulled off on some of us.  In fact, I get the distinct impression given Jon’s reaction to the information that had been provided on him at IMDB (and how he wanted some of that information stricken from the site) he would be the one to voice the loudest objections as to my posting the e-mail to friends and acquaintances as well as on my Blog spaces.  
     Definitely not one of the sort of things I want to ride through given his tenacity and his temper. 
 
     Yesterday was a particularly good day for me…  Not only did I call the Greensburg Branch for Kelly Services to activate myself up here in the Pittsburgh area (although at the moment, I did ask to keep it closer to Greensburg), but I was also able to fire off a couple of resumes with cover letters to a couple of the want-ads that were listed in last week’s newspaper.   While this is only a start — it’s actually a start in the right direction given that I’ve pretty much been out of the loop for employment for a number of months now.   Until I can get the money from Jeannie that I had loaned her for the washing machine last week, I’m pretty much up the creek without a paddle if I were to suddenly land a job someplace near to here (and not through the agency).  This has to do with the fact that I need to get a new ID through the DMV in order to fill out the appropriate I-9’s for employment. 
     At least though — Jeannie’s allowing me to help her out more around the house than she did the last couple of weeks as compensation while I wait for either Kelly Services to call and tell me they have an assignment.  While the chores around here aren’t at the level I had been anticipating when I moved here — at least it’s better than the overwhelming feeling that I’m sitting on my thumbs waiting for her find something for me to do. 
 
     This morning, I had a hell of a calamity in the kitchen.  While I didn’t get up at the time I had hoped (primarily because I had stayed up late with Jeannie to watch The Women with her), I was still up significantly earlier than her and Sam and started to put away the dishes that were dried in the strainer.  As I was putting the bowls up in the cupboard, something had shifted on the top shelves causing a candy dish to come crashing down and it shattered into a million pieces around the kitchen.
     Now I don’t know how many people are familiar with Princess House, but while their standard dishware is incredibly dense, and doesn’t quite shatter like plate glass; their more decorative pieces when they break are like Corningware which has this nasty habit of shattering into tiny fragments.  It was as though a fragmentation grenade had gone off in the kitchen and there were shards everywhere!  I’ll be damned if it didn’t take me almost an hour to clean up all the fragments, as well as make sure there wasn’t any in the dog’s dishes, on the kitchen counter (which is part of the food prep area), and not anywhere anyone could walk on.  And even after that hour of picking up the pieces, sweeping and vacuuming, as well as mopping up the floor to get the shards, did I still not find myself walking on pieces.
 
     At first, I thought that it was just something about bad organization of the upper shelf, but the more that I think about it, the more I think that it was the ghost that inhabits this house. 
 
     Yes…  Ghost… 
 
     At first I was a bit skeptical when Jeannie had told me that there was a ghost in the house, but there have been several unexplained occurrences that have given me cause to pause and wonder what’s going on.  And the more occurrences that happen, the more I’m convinced that there is poltergeist activity here. 
     For example over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have seen lights moving about the house without any source for the reflections to happen.  The first time was at the staircase the first couple of days I had been here.  It seemed to have come down the stairs as I was looking through some of my possessions in the front foyer.  I had caught it at the corner of my eye, and shortly after I did, I went to check out the front door to see if there had been any cars or anyone walking by that could have caused a change of light and/or reflection like that.  Yet there was none.  
     The next time, was in the kitchen around nine in the morning (or so).  I didn’t have the lights on in the kitchen, and there was no activity at the funeral home which is behind the house.  
     The next time was when I had come up to my room to right a journal entry (not sure which, but I think it was 197 or 198), and I was sitting here at the desk when I saw the lights go across my eyes, and then around me towards my back.  Sure there was sun streaming in at the time, but there had been no cars on the road, and no one walking the street at the time. 
     The final instance of seeing lights was last night while we were watching Sex and the City when she was folding a tablecloth and the light had moved from where she was standing (to the right of the television) and moving towards where I was sitting on the loveseat (to the left of the television).  It was an independent light source, and looked like some sort of firefly, but fireflies have been pretty much dead for the last three or so months here in the northeast.  Not to mention that the light wasn’t the routine illumination one expects from fireflies (a greenish/yellow).  It was more a whitish light that had kept the same intensity over the course of a foot or so.  It was as thought it had been turned on, moved the foot, and then abruptly shut off.  And it didn’t repeat itself. 
     Sunday night, when Jeannie and I were getting ready for bed, she realized that her dog smelled like poo, and we started checking around the front foyer and the front living room (which is still under construction) and realized that when we checked around the front foyer’s fireplace and mantle, that the Christian statues in the foyer window had been moved around.  Now, you have to understand something about that window.  It’s slanted downward towards the mantle.  If it had been heavy traffic going by the house, and any vibrations that had been set up would’ve made the statues move towards the mantle.  One of the statues had been moved to the left and back, and the other had moved back and up a full three or so inches from where it was originally placed.   This was easily determined given the fact that the window and the statues there hadn’t been dusted and where they had been, could easily be seen. 
     It’s believed that it happened Saturday night, given that Jeannie said that the dog had wigged out in the early morning (after two in the morning or so), and that Charlie had gotten up to check out the house and outside, given the fact that the dog wouldn’t calm down until she had checked everything out in the house and outside. 
 
     Jeannie told me Sunday night that this ghost seems the most active in the winter, and especially during the holidays, and for the most part it hasn’t been malevolent or malignant.  She had said that the worst it had ever done was to randomly throw the clothes basket against the wall in the wash room (was a loud bang, that startled her and her friend that had been over at the time).  And that there was an instance where the DVD player in the den had suddenly been thrown off the top of the television and fell behind the thing.  She also tells me that it has moved the statues before, however, the last time had happened during the day, and it was a loud movement. 
     I’m sure that there will be more to write about on this as things occur…  Especially given the fact that I’ll continue to document instances while I’m about here…  But the only correlation that I’ve been able to discover is that the instances happen after stressful moments, and during the calm times that follow when a resolution to the stresses happening within the household. 
     Their dog seems to react to a couple of the occurrences, however my cat seems oblivious to them.  Of course, my cat has a habit of staying in this room, although there have been a couple of instances where she could be found lying underneath Charlie’s train set on the blankets that are there which is probably why she doesn’t seem to be too reactive to things around here.  That is to say she’s oblivious as the instances aren’t so predominant in the attic as they are on the first floor. 
 
     Speaking of…  Since moving here, Cricket’s improved a thousand percent.  She’s back to her goal weight, and is not only having no issue eating wet food, but she’s back to eating dry food.  While I didn’t get Purina Cat Chow which she used to eat prior to her illness, she seems to have no problem eating the Friskies that I had bought the other day.  Not only is she gaining the weight she had lost because of her eating/bowel problems, but her fur seems to be growing back in the places where she had scratched herself bare (particularly the neck area).  Unfortunately though, she has lost some of the fur on her nose, and a little on the tips of her ears, which makes her look odd with the darkened triangle on her nose and her ears feel cold without the fur.  But, I’m happy that she’s eating without prompting, and she hasn’t had an episode of throwing up since moving here. 
 


 
[Last Edited: 11/15/2005 04:57:51 PM]
 
     There’s one thing left that I haven’t really touched upon since the journal entry that I had written after my argument with Jeannie that I’ve been mulling on and off the last couple of days…  That being my want to avoid relationships and social interaction.  While I did cover the part about my want to avoid social interaction due to the fact that I’m tired of being on guard around other folk — particularly when it comes to their survival instincts and the abuse that the [gay] community on the whole go through — I had to admit that I’ve been skirting approaching the issue of dating and why I’ve been avoiding it like the plague. 
     The questions that come to mind as I sit here listening to George Michael’s "Kissing a Fool" is, "Is it fear that causes me to skirt issue of dating and relationships?  Or is it simply disgust and disillusionment?"  Heh…  My instincts tell me it’s "c) all of the above".  As I said, I’m back to seeing the issues with men, and not really seeing what potential they have to offer for dating…  To add to the problems is that when I went out with Jeannie, Charlie and Sam to this bottle show I had seen a couple of rather handsome men, and while I had a whimsy or two about sex and lust about one or two of them I realized that while I was having my whim/fantasy — I realized that none of the fantasies that I had, contained any emotional intimacy.  The fantasies had physical intimacy, but nothing of it showed emotional let alone intellectual intimacy that I often have. 
     Even sitting here now, I realize that this is something that I should be concerned about — as this is the sort of thing that I despised about myself years ago after the rape, and how I used physical intimacy as a substitute towards emotional and intellectual intimacy which is what I’m not only more geared towards, but also find more fulfilling.  And yet…  At the same time, I’m not in the least bit concerned by this turn of events. 
     On the one side, part of me says "now is not the time to be too concerned about this…  There’s other issues you need to address first, before you try to tackle the idea of infatuation, dating, love and relationships…" Which is true — I’ve got issues dealing with depression and how to pick myself up and pull myself out of this downward spiral.  But on the other side, the more quiet side that doesn’t speak so much of commonalities, and sensibilities; the side that speaks in abstracts and images — it pictures me not being in any relationship ever.  And not being afraid of such turn of events.  Of being able to live for self, and live alone, and be perfectly content and happy with it. 
 
    *takes a deep breath*  I can tell this is going to be one of those sort of issues, that I’m going to be revisiting often as I try to wrestle out the knot in my mind and in my heart quite often in the next couple of months.  Particularly given the fact that we’re in the spiral towards Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year’s Holidays. 
 
     Not too much else to talk about at the moment…  Until the next time…
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