Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/17/2005 11:03:35 AM – Mentat 202

Entry 11/17/2005 11:03:35 AM – Mentat 202

     I seem to be doing fairly well for the most part this morning.  While I didn’t get to bed at the time I was supposed to (11 PM or so), I did eventually fall asleep at about 2 AM until about 3:30 before I dragged myself off the couch and put myself to bed.  Last night, I had been fairly contemplative about some of the things that I had written in the e-mails that I had written (and are currently queued up for delivery for later), as well as some of the journal entries over the last couple of weeks that I had finally taken the time to post to My Spaces (http://www.myspace.com) and MSN Spaces (http://msn.spaces.com) and some of the emotional twists and turns I had gone through in the last couple of weeks.  Of course, while some of these twists and turns have been helpful in getting e-mails out to some of my family and friends, it hasn’t particularly helped me in trying to write one particular e-mail to Jeff. 
     Sure, I could always call him — that would be the easier thing to do — but given the fact that I’ve said a couple of things about him in my journal (and I admit they haven’t been the most shining or spectacular things I could have said), it seems the right thing to do given the contents of my journal, and the issues I’ve been going through.  
     As I’ve said in other journal entries in the last couple of weeks; I’m finding myself back to the place I had been last year.  I’m seeing men not for the potential they have to offer, but the issues that they live with.  And I’m not sure whether I’ve said this before or not, but I find myself back to the place where I want nothing to do with dating, or men, or trying to play the relationship games folk play when they’re trying to "settle down".   Jeannie had said that it’s a sign of depression, and for the last four days or so I’ve been wrestling with trying to find proof for or against this observation of hers. 
     My first instinct is that it’s categorically untrue.  The depression that I had gone through had been worked through and past last year.  At least when it comes to the feelings of hurt, betrayal, being used, etc. that I had worked through in therapy after Rick and I broke up.  But at the same time, as I sit here and contemplate — there’s small parts of me that admit that perhaps she’s right.  Perhaps her observation that I’m depressed may actually be closer to the mark than I want (or care to) admit. 
     And I think that this observation and admission to depression being part of the greater truth seems to be manifesting in my inability to write the e-mail that I originally intended to sit down and write to Jeff. 
     I’m going to go meditate for a little bit…  I’ll be back when I’m ready to tackle more of this…

[Last edited: 11/17/2005 10:00:29 PM]
     God, what a fucking disaster today turned out to be. 
     While Jeannie and Sam were out of the house with Jeannie going to her doctor’s — she gave me free reign to check my e-mail, e-mail out a couple of resumes to some of the places that I had seen listed in the help wanted ads, as well as check out a program or two at Download.com (I’ve been looking for a better undelete program for Windows XP, but haven’t been able to find one that I’ve been satisfied with) before I was going to sign off to fax a couple of more resumes; we got a power flicker in the house…  Just enough to fuck up the computer, but not enough to reset some of the alarm clocks…  Well, other than perhaps my own which goes off at the slightest power outage.   And low and behold — when the computer comes back up — the bloody thing gets locked on the BIOS screen and doesn’t seem to go from there. 
     I get totally stressed out like you wouldn’t believe, because this is yet another chain of events in a list of chains of events that seems that whatever I touch around the Betters household ends up getting totally fucked up.  Well, during one of the boot ups, the system finally allows to get into the BIOS setup screen — after struggling for something like 5 minutes.   If I had smoked cigarettes — by this time I would’ve probably smoked myself a pack…  But instead I was a bundle of nerves the entire time wondering what the hell kind of bomb would’ve been dropped by Jeannie by the time she had gotten home. 
     Jeannie in fact got home much later than I had expected, but when she did — while she was more than a little stressed about it — she tried to get on the phone with her brother-in-law who had hooked up the computer in the first place.  While she wasn’t able to get on the phone with him — she did leave a message with him and we both waited ’til he gave us a callback.  Jeannie had to step out for a little while — allowing me to wait at home ’til either her brother-in-law called, and to sort of figure out what the hell else was going on.  Before she had gone out — I had found all the information regarding the motherboard and all the other BIOS information, and discovered that there may be a way out of this disaster by resetting the BIOS and then running a couple of programs to reset the RAID controls on the drive. 
     Strange thing that…  In all the years that I’ve been working with computers both in a home/SOHO environment and in an business environment — it was particularly odd that her computer — a home computer at that — had been set up with a RAID.  It’s usually a prudent thing for servers and such to have RAID I or V systems, but it’s highly unusual for a home computer to be set up as such.   Now I’ve had fair success at setting up RAID systems for work/business computers, and it’s a no-brainer to replace drives in RAID servers…  But I’ll be go to hell when it comes to reconstructing a RAID server when the RAID has an unspecified amount of hard drives. 
     I’ll continue the rest of this story tomorrow..  The wine and orange juice hit me hard, and I fell asleep at the rocker for the last couple of hours.  Until then.
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