Home > Life or something like it > Entry 12/26/2005 12:26:35 PM – Mentat 215

Entry 12/26/2005 12:26:35 PM – Mentat 215


     This seems to be a totally apropos song to be listening to, as I’m sitting here having my morning coffee, and thinking a little bit about the conversation that I had with my brother and my father last night.  I got the call around 9’ish when I was getting ready to go online to download the rest of the Service Pack 2 for OneNote.  Of course, it was one of those kind of calls that left me feeling more disturbed by what wasn’t said, rather than what was said.  But then — that’s how my family works more often times than naught.  And now that I’m sitting here trying to put together all the tidbits and all the information I had gotten talking with my brother, my father, my step-mother, and my family on the whole. 


     First off, I had talked with my aunt a little earlier in the night — around 6:30 PM or so — well after dinner had been done, cleaned up and put away, as well as when Adam, Brandon, and Ethan had headed off to their next stop on their Christmas visiting list.  She tells me that she had talked with Jon sometime during the weekend, and that he had stopped over my biological father’s house for the holidays.  She of course, was more than a little miffed over the fact that he didn’t make the stop over to see her and Uncle; and I simply covered it up with the saying, "you know how he is."  She had also told me that he was no longer seeing the other woman that he had been dating since the separation from Lori (and I recall distinctly shrugging to myself, knowing full well nothing was going to come from that particular relationship if my brother was on the rebound).

     My aunt also told me that he had been exceedingly cocky while they had been talking (albeit briefly) on the phone, and I knew precisely from experience that Jon and cocky was usually the telltale signs that he was hiding something, and didn’t want to lead anyone on to what was going on underneath his surface.  Heh — he had done it entirely too much when we were growing up — and I got to learn how to properly read the difference when he was going through the motions, or hiding something that was bothering him by acting as cocky as he can sometimes. 

      Interestingly — my aunt actually followed through with telling me about my mother and how she had called to relay a message that she wouldn’t be able to make her way to see my grandmother (her mother) for the Christmas Holiday, and that my mother would be able to make it in a week or so after the holidays.  She was also telling me just how my mother isn’t quite looking like the beauty she used to, what with spaces in her teeth, and missing teeth.  I told her that my mother’s been fighting with receding gums for years because of her smoking, and it would only be a matter of time before she would be losing them to that loss.

     Leave it to my aunt that she would say, "why doesn’t she pull them all out and get herself some dentures instead?"  Umm, that’s rather easy Auntie…  She can’t afford $600+ for a complete set of dentures, and that she’s going to have to make due until she can actually get the medical necessity papers through Medicare or Medicaid in order to get such a thing.  But I said nothing more on the subject, changed it, and went through the routine dismount to get off the phone and relax before coming online to pick up the rest of the Service Pack. 


     Some time later, as we were sitting there watching television (can’t remember for the life of me what we had been watching), when I had begun wandering up to my room to sit with the cat and ensure she wasn’t throwing anything she had eaten up.  A call came through and I immediately saw the name "Newlander" come up, and knew immediately that not only was I getting a call from my father, but most probably from Jon as well.  And my instincts kicked in and told me that there was more to this call than met the eye. 

     Jon…  Well, to put it mildly, Jon was three sheets to the wind.  It was the kind of drunk that he had been when he was in his early 20’s — when he was still living at home, working hard in construction and playing harder with the boys from the company.  It was also the kind of drunk I know to stay well on guard, as Jon has a more volatile anger than I do when under the influence.  While there’s a plus in knowing that Jon has a habit of telling more of the truth than he’s willing to share when he’s sober, it’s literally a minefield that could explode at any given time if the wrong thing is said, or the wrong phrase is used.  So I had to keep myself on my toes, and on my guard for fear of saying something that would set him off. 

     During this conversation I did get to the truth as to what was going on with him and Lori.  Apparently my brother wasn’t immune to verbal abuse from someone else, and Lori had apparently inflicted quite a lot of it on Jon in the time that they had been married (and perhaps longer — but I wasn’t able nor having the desire to delve deeper into how long it had been going on).  He had said something about tantrums and silent treatments as well, and listening to him through the drunken stupor that was going on with him — got sort of a picture painted of his relationship that sounded incredibly like the relationship I had been in with my ex, Rick. 

     He had put my father on the phone for a while, and I had talked with him about what was going on with Jon.  Herb was talking about the fact that he was glad that Jon was there for the holidays, and that while he appreciated Charlie’s (my step-father’s) efforts, was glad that Charlie was in Connecticut with his wife and his new in-laws.  He had also implied to me without coming right out with it, as Jon was there in the room, and no matter how much I implored him to go to another room for a little bit stayed in with him — that Jon was in a really bad way about this.  He even went so far as to tell me the instance for the Christmas Holiday that Jon had paid for a trip for Lori and her step-mother to go to New York City, and they hadn’t so much as thanked him for his efforts.  Heh…  This is hardly surprising, given that they’re working through a separation….  (But now that I’m thinking about this — perhaps this was something that happened earlier in the year…  Can’t be certain as I was too defensive and didn’t want to delve further than I had to). 

     When Jon had gotten back on the phone — he had told me a little about some of the places he had been to.  Pittsburgh for a trip a couple of weeks ago, home to Rhode Island and Boston.  He had asked me where I was in Pennsylvania and while I told him it wasn’t far from Pittsburgh — I know he wasn’t really listening at that point; instead suggesting that I drive to Pittsburgh the next time he’s in town. 

     I had told him that I didn’t drive, and haven’t driven in more than 13 years since the BMW was stolen in Providence so many years ago. 

     He had suggested that I get a new car, boasting about the fact that he had gotten rid of the BMW he was driving in California a year ago when he came to pick me up at the airport for the wedding, instead trading it in for a Mercedes.  He went on to suggest getting a Toyota; which I said I would prefer a Volkswagen, as a Toyota would remind me too much of our mother. 

     This is where the first minefield was, as he had reacted adversely to this, saying that he didn’t want to deal with a damper on the holiday season, and didn’t want to talk about her in the least.

     I said, "no problem to that, talk about anything else you want." 

     Of course, last-worditis is something that runs in my family, and he couldn’t help himself with the follow-up, "…As I consider her dead…"  or something along the line. 

     We finished up the conversation, I talked a little bit more with Herb, and then finished up the conversation with Chris — asking her whether she needed any Benedictine Blessing for having to put up with Jon and Herb playing the toe-to-toe drinking game; which she did.  So I gave her one in Latin, and said my good-byes.

     I then went to sit with Jeannie a little bit, tell her about the conversation with my brother and father, which she followed up with an "I told you so" about my not having a complete picture of what had been going on with Jon and Lori…  Which she was entirely right, and I didn’t have a complete picture, but worked fairly well on the assumption that Jon had more self-confidence than I did and wouldn’t end up making the same mistakes I did with someone that was apparently abusive…

     I then excused myself, went upstairs, came online and proceeded to chat with a couple of my friends and see what had been going on with some of the folk there, downloading the SP2 Service Pack for OneNote in the process.  I finally went to bed after midnight, and had disturbing dreams that I’m glad I don’t entirely remember.


     I admit that at the time I hadn’t reacted to Jon’s comment about our mother…  But the more that I think about it now as I sit here writing in my journal – the more I wonder where he gets off with that attitude on someone that hadn’t stolen from him, and didn’t betray him in the way that he had done with my aunt, my grandmother and finally myself.  He had pretty much washed his hands of the bullshit that had gone on between him and our mother years ago when he had moved to Los Angeles to try to make his way to Hollywood. 

     Disturbed is the word that describes best on how I feel about what he has said, and the finality he had used in saying it.  It doesn’t seem right that him — a man that has been pretty much apart of the bullshit my mother pulled — to have such a judge-jury-and executioner approach to her, when he has had little to do with the betrayal that had gone on.  Hell, even though my aunt and I are the ones that had directly suffered, Auntie is talking to her in a jilted manner, and I’m willing to talk the instant the woman decides on paying back the money she had stolen from me. 

     I know I would like to approach him on this some more — and he has opened the opportunity of my getting to chat with him more — but it’s going to be one of those things I won’t bring up again; given the way the minefield I had walked into for saying that casually about a Toyota and it reminding me too much of Mom and her car… 


     I’m probably going to meditate a little bit more on this over the course of the next few days…  It’s just one of those things that I can’t wrap my brain around entirely without saying, "what has gone on here that I’ve been oblivious to?"  Not to mention it’s one of those things that’s going to set the course for the new year…

     Well I’m off.  Time to give the cat some more attention, and perhaps play a game or three before I head down to mingle with Jeannie, Charlie and Sam.  Until the next time. 

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