Home > Life or something like it > Entry 12/30/2005 02:04:11 PM – Mentat 218

Entry 12/30/2005 02:04:11 PM – Mentat 218


     New Year’s Eve eve…  And probably the last entry I’m going to be doing for the year.  It was in this year, I’ve seen infatuation and shock, infatuation and disappointment, and infatuation and mind-numbing heartbreak (mainly because of my own insecurities and my own rather nasty self-destructive tendencies), before it had forced me to say, "you know, you have a whole lot of issues you still need to work through before you try to get back on the dating bandwagon."

     In this year, I’ve also seen frustrations the likes of which I don’t even remotely want to recall, and stared at the maw of depression in a way where I not only seriously considered going to a social worker for, but also the possibility of going to a psychologist to see whether it’s something that might need to be treated through medications like Paxil or Prozac or Xanax or something along that line. 


     In this year, I found that I had moved locales from Atlanta, Georgia, to Jeannette, Pennsylvania — all due to the rescue of a good friend from Rhode Island that I had known for over 15 years.  And believe me when I say, I’m quite thankful for this — because if it hadn’t been for her — not only would I be facing the jaws of homeless but probably would be more into the clutches of depression than I was two months ago.  Sure, depression’s not something that cures overnight (well, not unless you’re on the maximum dose of whatever mood elevator one had been prescribed through a doctor or a psychologist) — but I have to admit, even with a little of the dysfunction and stress that had gone around here during the holidays — it is by no means at the levels that I had been exposed to with my own family.  And because of this, coupled with the fact that this was the first time in two years that I had celebrated the Christmas Season with others, and not with Rick (and his positive hatred of the Christmas Holidays) and his ex in-laws (who had some pretty mind-numbing dysfunction that seemed entirely too alien to the kind I had dealt with in my growing up); I believe I’m well down the road of recovery, which I desperately needed.  And I thank both her and her husband (and even their son, who still works my nerves with his approach to adults and his pernicious habit of being disrespectful just to see if he can get away with it) immeasurably.   


     I was asked by my friend Jeannie if I had missed Atlanta a few weeks back, and I was forced to admit that there were aspects of Atlanta that I truly missed.  The food.  The ease of getting from point A to point B within the city (even if during the last 5 years, it had become more and more difficult because of the cutbacks with the Public Transit System).  The fact that the place I had lived for the last 8 years of my life had been truly strategic — even if I hadn’t realized it until I had moved north.  Even some of the friends that I had made, and lost, and made, and moved on had a positive impact on my wants and my desire to live in that city. 

     But at the same time it’s nice to be north again…  Well, north of the Mason/Dixon Line anyway  — where people here rude as they can be sometimes — are at least honest about their rudeness, and their approach to outsiders (yes, they sometimes just don’t like you — but at least they have the decency of doing it to your face).  And there’s not a tenth of the pretentiousness I had to face or even put up with, from the folk in Atlanta that had clearly invaded from the Midwest (e.g., Chicago, Detroit, or even in the middle of the Heartland; Kansas City, Houston, and Dallas).  As I sit here, writing and proofing what I’ve said, I realize I don’t miss that pretentiousness in the least. 


     In this year, I have lost a friend (Steve C from Washington, DC) that I had known for almost 7 years, and coming up on the first anniversary of his death (which is actually in about a month).  I found myself thinking about him this morning when I was quickly reading through a section of Al Franken’s book talking about accountability.  I sat there being more than a little maudlin thinking about how he used to rail against some people (on the Usenet) demanding their responsibility for accountability, knowing full well that the person in question had spun something in such a way that can only be interpreted as bald-faced lie or made up delusion.  And as I thought about it this morning; it brought a smile to my face as I used to remember how he would gloat sometimes when he had slapped the person down and made them out to be the liars that they truly are. 

     Consequently, because of his death, I had alienated myself from the circle of mutual friends that I had made with him — mainly because I believed that a majority of the people within the group were trying to make some sort of saint that deserved some sort of milestone on the Net — even though my friend Steve always covered his tracks on the Net through X-No Archive: Yes.  While I miss my friend, I don’t miss them (yet).  I might in a few years, but right now I think they need to get their heads screwed on straight before trying to erect Internet Memorials for someone that had lived well, died in his sleep, and left indelible marks on the people’s lives that he had come in contact with.  And isn’t that what we all wish to do and hope to have accomplished in our lives once our time on this mortal realm has come to pass? 


     Hmmm…  In this year, I had learned that it’s better to stick to my ideals, and my beliefs rather than swallow my pride, and swallow my anger.  My personality doesn’t allow for the amount of swallowing I had to do with the Concord EFS/First Data incompetence Contract through Kelly Services in Atlanta.  For even doing it their [Kelly Services’] way, I ended up losing my capability of working through the branch office and subsequently making it difficult to land another job through the other branches that I was still registered with.  I kept saying even to this day, I should’ve walked on my birthday last year when I had the chance.  For I would’ve left with a good review and only been blacklisted for a month to a month and a half, rather than not being able to work for two months in Atlanta, and not being considered for positions in the Greensburg area when I moved north for another two months. 

     Because of this mistake, I have vowed that for the coming year — I won’t listen any longer to the tapes my mother had planted in me while I was growing up: of how much of a "quitter" I am.  Or the other one that says, "that [you] won’t amount to anything".  Or the slew of other little niggling insults my mother had used on me in order to get me to swallow my pride and do what was necessary.  I’m just not built that way; and looking in retrospect at her live, neither is my mother’s life for that matter — given the fact that she quit so many things, and took so many prescription medications because she swallowed her own shit for too long.  Perhaps it’s time to realize this and say, "do what’s necessary, even if it means you have to walk away and quit it." 


     In the latter portion of this year, I had learned things about my family that I really don’t know how to approach; and unfortunately as I sit here at this very moment think there’s more to come when it comes to my family and the dysfunctions and the sanity-shattering events that have caused further grief within the patchwork of our lives.  Heh…  As I sit here writing this, I’m listening to ABBA’s "Knowing Me, Knowing You" while I work through this reminisce — and think my family — perhaps I should simply approach them as stated in the message coming through loud and clear in the lyrics:


Knowing me, knowing you

There is nothing we can do

Knowing me, knowing you

We just have to face it that this time we’re through

Breaking up is never easy I know, but I have to go

Knowing me, knowing

It’s the best I can do


     Then again, with my family — there’s no easy way of breaking up or even breaking away from them — as they have the habit of getting involved when you least expect it.  *shrugging*  This is something I’m going to have to think more in the coming year…    Even if it means I distance myself emotionally and intellectually for as long a period of time as I’m capable of doing. 


     In this year, I’ve met and made some truly outstanding friends.  Luke in Manchester (UK), Chloe in Birmingham (UK) (who’s sort of a surrogate mom/housemarm for the channel/token fag-hag (in the most diva of meanings)/friend of everyone, everywhere (sometimes to her own undoing)), Adam in Leicester (UK) (whom I still admire, and even am infatuated with, even though the distance is just too much for either of us to deal with and accept), that silly bitch Dante in Virginia (who can make me stop and think a moment about what I’m seeing in front of me, even when he doesn’t try), Rocky and Ed — both in Tennessee although they’re not a couple in the least.  (And I’m sure that I’m going to see an e-mail from Ed the moment he reads this journal entry in review, heh heh heh).   Although Ed’s been a hanger-on since 2004 — it was 2005 that he got really intense and very thought-provoking — even if he did realize near constantly he’s been trying too hard to get my attention. 

     Without them truly knowing — many of them had opened up to me in confidence and shared feelings with me (and me being who I am, reciprocate as trustingly as possible) and in doing so helped me get through the self-centered nonsense I was putting myself through, even so far as keeping me from falling further into the pit of depression that I was skirting entirely too close to for any sane or normal human being to be near.


     I have also re-acquainted myself with some people that I’ve either lost track of talking with, or had been at odds with (more of the former, less of the latter actually the more I think about it):  Paul in California, Jeff in Du Bois, Johnny in Delaware (yes, the one that shocked me by disappearing at the beginning of the year), Josh in Nebraska, and Jae from Colorado (now in Illinois)…


     As the year wraps up to a close for 2006, I realize that there are some people that I miss and should either try to look for and get re-acquainted with again or enjoy the time I’ve had with them, and move on from: Merv from London (and actually found his website, although it doesn’t look as though it’s been updated in several years), Darin my ex from Rhode Island (just to say sorry, and to tell him I realized I missed him earlier this year), Will in North Carolina (and should really stop obsessing about him and realize wherever he is, he’s moved on and is living life the best he can), Louis from California (and a regular of the Usenet.  But I can easily track him down — all I have to do is post in one of the alt.tv.star-trek.* groups to get his attention) and Jim in Woonsocket (my hometown in Rhode Island) — if only to see if he’s married, has three kids or more, and see whether life is treating him well. 


    There’s the friends that have struck through with me, thick and thin through the year — of which I can’t help myself to mention with great amounts of pride, and gratitude to the point of hubris, given that it was at least two of them that helped me with picking up the pieces, shaking me up and shaking me out of my borderline self-destructive tendencies, and keeping me together, no matter the headstrong and prideful obstacles I placed in their way — Tracy in Naples (which is ironic, given that my semi-possessed MP3 player is playing a song she wants: Kenny Loggins’ – Return to Pooh Corner), Jeannie here in Jeannette, PA, my Aunt Monique in Woonsocket, Julia in Basalt (Colorado), Ryan in Columbus (Ohio, not Georgia), and Robert in New York City (who’s sarcasm and routine pranks always bring a laugh on this side of the computer screen and always keeps me sharp with snarkishness, and a well placed retort). 


     Finally the people that I don’t miss, and am glad that I can finally say some of their names without the bile and the hate associated to my mentioning them either in passing, or in it directly effecting the conversation I was having at that moment:  my ex Rick in Atlanta, Marc who was originally in Atlanta and is now God only knows where, Wayne — the most psycho of my boyfriends (although looking in retrospect, I truly believe is neck-in-neck with Rick and the abuse I had gone through with him), and of course the usual cast of net-kook characters from Usenet and Internet chat too numerous to mention even in passing. 

     Sure, life is too short to deal with remembering them, even in anger hate or with bile, or disgust, but I readily admit that it’s human nature sometimes to hang on to some grudges if only to remember that if it wasn’t for them — the hurt and the pain suffered wouldn’t have happened. 


     Looking back, again I have to say that it was truly a trying year.  While I have continued to maintain the tradition of completing at least most of the Resolutions I had made at the beginning of the year (yep, 6 out of the 8 had been completed by the last month of this year; something I’m definitely proud of, believe me), I realize that finishing these resolutions and living up to my standard still didn’t make me feel as though I had accomplished anything because of the amount of setbacks and hardships I had gone through in the last year.  I also realize that this year I had come awfully close to pain I had gone through when I was 21 (for those of you that don’t know — that was the year that I had been raped and gone into the downward spiral towards suicide because of the anger and self-disgust I had gone through). 

     However, on a good note I can say — 2005 didn’t kill me like I feared it would.  I’m still here…  I’m still breathing…  I’m feeling moderately good, albeit still more than a little worried about what’s ahead for me.  Yet, I’m reminded of the saying,  "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger…" 


     *pausing a moment, looking at that saying*


     Do I feel stronger, though?  *shrugging*  We’ll see how I handle myself in 2006. 


     Until then…  See you in the New Year…

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