Home > Life or something like it > The Five Things I’ve Learned – Part IV

The Five Things I’ve Learned – Part IV

03/30/2006
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To stop being so bloody minded about my own self-reliance, and seek out help when needed.

On the surface, when I combine this lesson learned with the last one, you’d think I create some sort of paradox between the two. But the more I reflect on this, the more I realize that there is a balance between trusting and not trusting — searching out for help and being self-reliant. One that I’ve been trying to learn and re-learn in the last fort years of my life.
Well, considering the way that I had fallen into the blue funk of my depression, and the subsequent obsession for wanting Will back into my life — I refused to ask for help until the last possible second — and only then just enough help to get me stabilized instead of trying to find my way back to healed. This all changed when I had my implosion on the 14th of February and needed to clear out as much as I possibly could before I went pointing my tits to the wind (as Bette Midler once said in one of her comedy routines so many years ago) in search of Will and trying to make up with the man I had obsessed about for the last nine months.
So after the implosion — I had spoken with Dan (the senior administrator in the mission) — thereby coming out to him and explaining the situation. I also explained quite a lot of what I was feeling with the world at large — including my feelings as though everyone else seems to be able to settle down, and all I’m left with all the damage that I’ve gone through. I dealt with the fact that for the last six months — I’ve been approaching my pain through analysis and thought, instead of feeling (although I have to admit that I’m still more than a little hedgy about facing some of my feelings, given that I approach them head on more often times than naught, and sometimes what I’m feeling are really, really intense). I dealt with admitting my issue about the obsession and wanting to rekindle the thing that I thought that I had destroyed. I talked a little about the issues that I’ve had with my family and my want to make amends with parts of the family that I’ve burned bridges with. I’ve even talked a little about some of what’s been going on in my head the last couple of years since Rick broke up with me.
I spoke with Dan about this.
I spoke with Jared about this.
I spoke with Dave K about much of this. (Although I know that I owe him one, and he was supposed to take advantage of the return favor… Unfortunately though he didn’t… But that’s another story for another time).
I spoke to the social worker at the mission about this (I forgot her name, sorry… It happens when it’s a woman).

I have to say that it was a helpful two weeks (the weeks after my emotional implosion) . I got a lot of the shit that I’ve been carrying out into the open for me to look at it, instead of holding it in, and warping/distorting it beyond all recognition. And while I didn’t like half of what I had seen in that time — it began the path towards healing myself. Especially when I consider that I actually was able to finally follow through with packing myself up, heading almost blindly to North Carolina to meet up with Will, and face some of the fears and expectations that I had in wanting to see him again.
The question is… Where do I go from here? The thing that haunts me to this day is Dan’s prediction that it’s going to take three more months before I’m back fully on the road to a more complete recovery… And while I don’t personally believe him in saying that (as I think he was playing god when he had said it); it’s just one of those things said that I just can’t shake… I guess this is going to be one of those sort of things that I’m going to watch and see what he meant by it, and whether he was accurate in his prediction or just playing god.
Where do I go from here? I have no idea. But there are some things in the works that I’m considering, and I’m sure that I’ll be talking about in the near future. And from here — all I know is — it was good to bare my soul for a while, and will probably be doing more of that in the near future. Which leads me to the next point that I learned…
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