Home > Life or something like it > Entry 04/12/2006 08:59:46 PM – Mentat 267

Entry 04/12/2006 08:59:46 PM – Mentat 267

     The following is a transcript that I had written this morning because I had gotten to work early (more on that in a little bit) and instead of putting in the time I missed for not working Monday — sat in the cafeteria to put some of my thoughts together so that when I got home, I had a framework to work with. 

     I’m taking the time to sit and write this one out before putting it to type because this is one of those type of entries that’s going to take time to work out.  Particularly because of the content.  It has to do with life and love…  It has to do with passion and want…  And it has to do with expression…
     I’ve been chatting with men my age and have come to the conclusion that many of them are quite bland and boring.  They lack the skill to be expressive..  That are either self-conscious about the way they type; or come off incredibly guarded.  They sometimes act as though they’re there for others to entertain them. 
     Sorry…  I’m not part of the entertainment committee.  I’m not there to wake them up, shake them up, or get them to suddenly become expressive. 
     Take HB (from gay.com) for example.  It’s like talking to Dan B.  god how boring that was sometimes.  Most of what he’s said (HB) has been nothing but patronizing platitudes, and pop common sense comments.  HB clearly wants something, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to mind-read his wants. 
     Then there’s Jack (from MSN Chat).  God do I want to rip him a new one.  A year or so ago – I found him attractive and tried chatting him up.  Wouldn’t give me the time of day once he figured I was in Atlanta.  Now that I’m in the area, he’s suddenly interested.  I want to rip him a new one because of how shallow and self-centered his wants and desires come off as.  I want to rip him a new one for being such a location queen.  For only putting a half-hearted effort only now because I’m within 20 minutes of him. 
     Cliff (from gay.com as well) is another one that had all the charm of a box of rocks.  If it wasn’t about the kit house he’s building in New Hampshire — he really didn’t want to talk about anything else.  Blah — how bloody boring. 
     I think when I get home tonight, I’m going to update all of my profiles to include info on me.  And more particularly what I’m looking for.  Well — time for me to get to work.  Until then…

     I’m still sticking by my want for passion.  For expression.  For somebody that can string together more than a “yes/no” conversation.  Someone that’s going to take the risk, regardless of distance…  That wants to learn, to communicate, to try…  To want to know me and to share so that I can learn about them.   And damn it, I’m not going to compromise on this either. 
     I realized as I headed into work this morning that talking with these sort of men, after the heartbreak and the hurt that I went through with Will that I’m playing the “safe” card and trying to find stable men that will help me through the heartbreak…  But you know — the more that I look at the men that I’m talking with — being stoic isn’t stable.  It’s being bland.  Especially when you consider that stoic simply doesn’t work on the Internet. 

     As for work…  God what a pain in the ass that was.  On Monday, as I was getting ready to start working nights, after transitioning to nights being my days — they cancelled out on me and told me that I had to work 9 – 5.   There I am, drinking beer after finishing up my coffee and praying to wherever would listen to me that I would be able to put myself to bed at a reasonable time.  Didn’t actually fall asleep until almost 11:30, and even then it was a hyper sleep which meant that while my body was lying resting — my brain was going a million miles an hour and didn’t feel as though it had slept at all. 

     Got up for work at 4:45 AM thinking that it was going to be a hellish bus ride into work (like when I was working for Singular in Kennesaw).  Ended up leaving a bit later because there was an express bus that I could take to get to work, that had a faster turn around time to the Jefferson Blvd bus.  But the good thing was that I was able to get to work and I did so early enough. 
     Work itself was a chore given that I was borderline sleep deprived for a while there I didn’t think I was going to make.  To add insult to injury the place didn’t have any free coffee, and the only coffee they had was this wretched machine that would cost $.75 cents a hit.  Um, thanks but no thanks.  Apparently I’m going to have to have my coffee in the morning while I’m here instead of thinking I can sit at a desk and drink it answering phone calls. 
     But it seems a relatively easy job — and after two days of it — I think I might get the hang of it quicker than they’re giving me credit.  We’ll see though. 

     Well, I have tons to think about, and not enough time to sit here and write.  It’s almost bedtime here and I need to get some sleep.  Until the next time. 
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