Home > Life or something like it > Entry 04/29/2006 12:27:15 PM – Mentat 270

Entry 04/29/2006 12:27:15 PM – Mentat 270

I can’t make you love me
I’ve got to know who I am inside
‘Cause I know my value
I no longer waste my time
There’s some one who’s for me
Yes, it’s only a matter of time
I am strong and can be alone
Until I’m treated right… Just treat me right

Every one wants the one that’s there for them
The only one, who’s love is true
Makes you feel, heart be still won’t love again
If you don’t have, them loving you
Gave a try don’t know why it hasn’t been
As beautiful as when it first began
Well I’ve learned, that I must turn and walk away
To give them time, make up their mind


Had a man loved me much, or so he said
But didn’t know how to love at all
Caused me pain, made me cry all the time
‘til it became just like a game
Could not sleep, by god’s design
What I am, is what he needs, it’s his loss not mine
I’ve moved on seems I’ve gone he’s come again
And finally I can stop and say


I am… worth more than you know, Yes I am
I am… more precious than gold

[-repeat chorus-]

– Kim English
– Treat me Right

     I had to get through those words manually because I couldn’t find a copy of the lyrics online. Got halfway through them, and the blasted program closed without saving, causing me a whole lot of grief of having to re-launch and re-type the words to this song. Of course, as an idle speculation, I had also gone looking for the lyrics to “Ready, Steady, Go!” by L’Arc~En~Ciel as well as Get 9’s theme to Ghost in the Shell – Stand Alone Complex 2nd Gig – Opening Theme. Took a little work though to get the words right for SAC 2nd Gig, as I kept finding the words to Inner Universe which is the theme to the movie, and not the series. But I’m glad that I was able to download it, as I liked hearing them on Saturday nights, while I sat up and watched Adult Swim…
      Of course, the really interesting thing about having them loaded up on my MP3 player and listening to them on my way into and out of work is the weird effect that I had listening to them while the sun was coming up in the morning. You see, there’s this definite beat going on in the world around us. This beat is almost like a heart beat, and sets the tone of both life waking up in the morning, and setting the pace in the day. Here in my home state, it’s a slow beat that slowly works its way up as the sun gets higher into the sky until it’s almost a jog by about two in the afternoon.
     Listening to “Ready! Steady! Go!” and Ghost in the Shell’s “Stand Alone Complex – 2nd Gig” it goes totally against that beat that I can hear as I’m walking down to the bus stop in Woonsocket, or even standing there in Kennedy Plaza waiting for the bus on the way to work. If anything, it reinforces the feeling of being dislocated that I’ve been feeling since I’ve come home to Rhode Island almost two months ago. Although there was one moment while I was standing there in Kennedy Plaza, feeling the bite of a cold spring morning, with the sun coming up over the hills of the East Side, and watching some of the folk milling about while they were waiting for their buses, of being unique… different… And walking outside the normal circles other people around me walk, it felt pretty okay to do so.

     Work has finally reached critical mass for me… In fact, it occurred at 1:00 PM this afternoon (just prior to lunch), when I looked at Brandon and he said to me that I needed to reboot the PM1 server at a location and had no bloody clue how to do it. And then I looked around the room and realized that I had to force myself to think in order to remember everyone’s name in the department. As I apologized to Brandon after the last call and before we both headed our separate ways for lunch — I explained I’m now in that ever so delicate time of waiting ’til everything that’s been explained to me starts ordering itself more towards this job.
     The last time that this had happened was when I was working at PracticeWorks, but the problem was, even though I had finally gotten to the point where I was comfortable knowing all that I needed to know in order to do the job — I got seriously tired of all the unnecessary bullshit that I had to go through in order to increase personal improvement. (Which consequently, they still haven’t gotten to work to their benefit, as their turnover has increased something like 200% since I was there over two years ago). Hopefully this particular Tech Support job doesn’t go through the same hoops that PracticeWorks when through prior to my quitting the job there.
     The good thing that I would like to bring up about this particular job was that when I explained to them that I had reached critical mass from all the things that I had in my head — they all understood what it was that I was going through. But they all said the same thing, “…it’ll get easier the more that you do this…” Hopefully it will — because the last thing that I want happening to me is bombing out like Fernando did. Speaking of… apparently he had been released because he had seriously screwed up three stores over the weekend, and didn’t tell anybody about it. When the team leaders had logged into the stores and did a history on what had happened there — they found his logins and the commands that he had done in the history that essentially wiped them out and did more damage than repaired them. They had released him because he didn’t exactly fess up about the damage he did.
     Also, one of the other temps/contractors that had started this week had left and hasn’t come back. One of the other gentleman that had started with the rest of the contractors from a competing agency didn’t come back after Monday. No idea what the story is there, but I would probably guess that he either didn’t like the looks of the job, or he wasn’t exactly qualified for it. Hmm, come to think of it, I sat with him for lunch on Monday, and I don’t remember him exactly saying anything about the job for or against. *shrugging* Not that I haven’t seen that sort of thing so many other times in the past.
     My internal temperature when it comes to this job is that I’m nervous. Tomorrow is the last day as a trainee, and come Monday, I’m supposed to be going live alongside Mark (who’s not only from the same agency that I’m from, but also started the same day that I did). While I think that I’m being incredibly hard on myself and thinking the worst of it — at the same time, there are parts of this job that simply don’t make all that much sense to me. Primarily how the network architecture is between the various computers, Unix and the POS registers that also have computer operating systems. Thanks to Brandon re-drawing the picture of the network layouts, I think I might have a fighting chance at this. Now I just need to make sense of the Web Help Desk information to be able to troubleshoot through the incoming calls. Once I do this — perhaps I won’t feel as though I’m over-qualified for the position.
     There will definitely be more on this when I go live next week.

     As for me personally… I chose the song by Kim English — more because of the bullshit, and the pain that I had gone through with Rick, rather than the ever so short and rather meteoric relationship that I had gone through with Will. *sighs* Two years later, and while what I had with Will is like a buffer to the shit that’s gone on in my life, I hate saying it but I’m still clearing out the damage, the hurt, and the abuse that I had gone through with that man. Heh, however… Even though I’m still dealing with the emotional damage and the emotional housecleaning, boy do I ever have a case of hormones. But not enough for me to want to sacrifice any of my scruples for some of the men that I’ve chatted with online. Particularly when it comes to Jack…
     Yes… I’ve pretty much washed my hands of Jack after my talk with him last weekend. Apparently it’s become terribly obvious that I’m some sort of consolation prize when it comes to what he’s looking for. Add to the mix that I’ve gotten word from one of the three Steves in MSN Chat that he’s met him, and not only is he more than a little creepy, but also has the personality god gave a rock. Believe me when I say that conversation really didn’t go all that well at all, given that he really is a dud to talk to, and no matter how much I tried to engage him, he just wouldn’t engage at all…
     What makes it even more stressful has to do with the kinds of dreams I’ve been having as of late. A good majority of them have been something along the lines of relationships. Some of them have been quite good, some of them have been quite distressing. Last night’s for example, was quite distressing. Apparently, I was in some sort of relationship with someone that wanted me to live with them, but the instant that I moved in with them/lived with them, they disappeared off the face of the earth (sound familiar? It should, as it was very much like the relationship I had with Eric, so many years ago)… Then there was this dream that I had earlier in the week where it was like this perfect relationship and everything was working out for the best. We were living together… At the moment, my memory of the dream is rather vague. Not surprising given that after a rather interesting wine-induced moment last night — everything’s a fog. There were a couple of others through the week, involving sex, and sexual fantasies — but they’re even more of a fog considering that the last thing I like waking up with is the reminder of how single I am, and how much I’ve been missing the company of another human being close to me.
     Then, to make matters worse, as I sit there going hither and yon, working at the office, doing the things I would normally do — I have all sorts of fantasies, muses, and whims with the various men that I see walking about life, who I find attractive.
The bus driver in the morning on the express bus from my hometown… Who’s got that rough masculinity, dark blue eyes, and quirk of a smile in the morning that says, ‘I haven’t had quite enough coffee, but that’s sort of okay with me’.
     Brent at work, who’s clearly younger than I’ve been out of the closet, and has a hell of a set of dimples that shows the instant he so much as half-smiles. (Which by the way, I made him six shades of red at work the other day because he had half-listened to my conversation with Brandon who was playing with his access badge, and which was breaking, and I said, “you know, if you keep playing with it that way, it’s going to fall off).
     And then there’s this guy that sort of reminds me of Mike from BellSouth.net (who no one could verify what his sexual proclivity was and used to flirt with both men and women equally), on the Jefferson Blvd bus that seems clean-shaven, boy-next-door like… Who definitely looks out of place taking the bus to the stop on Jefferson Blvd that he gets off at. Either that or he’s just shading in order to make himself look more respectable (and more pretentious) than he actually is.
     Those are the ones that I see with some routine. There are also those that come and go depending on the day and the time, and the location. But the bottom line is the hormones are bad… Really bad.

     Oh! Last night I ran into Seth on MSN Messenger. Haven’t seen him since the last time I was sitting in the attic playing online during the later portion of an evening, and trying to figure out just how low I’d gotten from the depression of moving from Atlanta, missing Will (and blaming myself for all the wrongs that I had done to him), and wondering whether I was ready to pick myself up and dust myself off, or stay in the hole that I had dug for myself. From what I could tell — he was doing really well — has a new place of his own (without roommates). Sort of felt bad about some of the things he had told me about the dating that he’s been going on, so I tried cheering him up and convince him not to be so self-conscious on dates. As I had said to him, lord knows it’s bad enough that men are being incredibly self-conscious on dates as it is, trying to make the best impression they possibly could. I thought it went rather well with him, and it was good catching up with him again, given that I did miss him in the time since I’ve come back online. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up with him more in the near future… And who knows? Now that I’m only a couple of hours away, I might stop by the Big Apple with DVDs in hand (of the movies we had discussed that he hadn’t seen).

     One final thing… Take a look at this picture!!! Can you imagine that’s me like thirty or so years ago. Look at all that hair… And that innocent look on that face. Wonder what happened to that boy!

    Well, time to go. Until the next time.
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