Home > Life or something like it > Entry 05/16/2006 01:32:46 PM – Mentat 272

Entry 05/16/2006 01:32:46 PM – Mentat 272

05/19/2006
     I have been entirely too slack when it comes to the last time that I’ve sat down and written in my journal. I admit that I’ve been trying to sit down and write here, and there was a couple of attempts last week that I actually did begin working on an entry — but when I looked at what I had written at that point — I got entirely too disgusted with the banality of it, I decided it was best to simply scrap it and wait until I had something more worthwhile to write about. And while I have to admit that I have something worthwhile to write about, at the same time, I can’t help but be reminded that there is just a little bit of banality in my life that needs to be addressed.
     I’ve finally gone live on the phones without a safety net. While some of the calls that come in are rather easy to deal with — at the same time some of those that deal primarily with the POS (that’s Point of Sale for those of you not used to the lingo) really confuses the shit out of me. They have a general rule about not turning off the registers and drill it into a trainee’s head from the moment they get into the Call Center. But since going live, I’ve come to learn that there are times when it’s perfectly okay to shut off the Controller POS Registers without so much as a second thought. Yet, they don’t teach the trainees that until they’re actually taking the calls. Which gives me the kinds of chills that make me sometimes rethink doing anything without asking first. Especially considering how Fernando used to do the same thing and ended up seriously screwing up stores like there was no tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is screw up so badly at a job like this only to end up being blacklisted like what I went through with Kelly Services, and having to work at something like McDonald’s because I screwed up that severely and nobody would want to work with me in any professional capacity.
     While this is only a mild anxiety that only sometimes comes to visit me when I have a moment‘s doubt as to what I‘ve been doing remotely… I’ve been able to control the messes I could possibly make by following the instructions that I’ve been given, at the same time I realize that I’m also marking my time not by the hours that I live, but rather the weekends that I make it to. At the last entry — the one that I had deleted — I realized that I was writing based on the things that I was doing when I was out of work, rather than the things that I did while I was awake. Definitely not the sort of thing I find appealing when it comes to writing, given the fact that I made a promise to myself so many years ago that I wouldn’t ever do that sort of thing again. Which is why I had taken so much time to sit down and actually write a journal entry…
     Nope, it’s not going to happen again…

     But things haven’t changed in the last two weeks. For both the better and the more scary. How to begin that part of the story though is a rather difficult thing to do, given that it’s a story that has been going on for the last two plus years. It’s the story of another man going through a similar situation involving heartbreak and hurt and the road to recovery from that hurt. It involves talking in the dead of night sometimes, sharing each others feelings about recovery, and sometimes the disasters of trying to date. It involves finding strength on the other side of a conversation when one needs it most.
     Something changed one night a couple of nights ago. Something that I had talked a little about in my last journal entry. Since that weekend, I had been thinking a hell of a lot about Seth in a way that I wouldn’t have normally thought of a friend before. For a while I truly felt guilty for thinking of Seth more than just a friend. In the past for me, it’s just not done that way. A friend is always a friend. A boyfriend becomes a friend. It’s one of those sort of lesbian rules that I learned early in life that I’ve lived by all these years. It’s one of those sort of rules that I have maintained following too.. As so many people have told me, and I have told so many people — when the heart starts making a decision — it does so without following any rules.
     I sometimes think that one’s heart follows rules all its own, and sometimes one of those rules is to simply break rules established by the head…

     Then came last Friday night. Seth suggests to me that I should pick up Rent and see it. Now, I know that it’s a Broadway play. I also knew that it was a musical. Now with the exclusion of perhaps The Sound of Music, and perhaps A Chorus Line, musicals are normally lost on me. I like the stories, but I get annoyed sometimes when instead of dealing with the issues they decide to sing the issues out. While there’s always some songs that I like — most of the time though, my tastes in music is pretty precise, and I would rather stick to those choices instead of venturing out more.
     I thought twice about it, and went about getting a membership at Blockbuster Video to see if I couldn’t rent it, and see it. Had problems with renting — as Blockbuster no longer has a policy of accepting debit cards as collateral for rental memberships… So instead I went about the place to see what they had to purchase, as they have been pretty good in the past for buying used DVDs at a pretty good price. In fact, they had a 3 for $25 deal which I took advantage of, buy purchasing not only Rent, but also Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith, and Brokeback Mountain. And so, I saw Rent. I’m happy to say that I loved it. While some of the AIDS references feel incredibly dated, the gist of the story is precisely what Seth had said to me as being; learning to love and to try again, in spite of the fact that one is afraid to do so. It was a message that while I should’ve taken to heart, was entirely too afraid to do. (More on this later).
     While sitting there watching the movie, I tried to imagine what it would be like to love again. Sure, I know all about the fact that my hormones have been in overdrive since I’ve been home — it’s an expected reaction to being on home soil and seeing the men here being so much better looking than the men that I’ve seen in Pennsylvania, coupled with the fact that I’m no longer as depressed as I was when I had moved from Atlanta to Greensburg. But I’m also a rather upstanding human being sometimes that things more than just with the glands, so I tried to imagine being in love. Romance… That sort of thing. Ended up during the beginning scene with the Rocker and the Stripper from Rent letting my mind wander and imagining love for myself. I ended up having a whim with Seth in it…

     It wasn’t a difficult whim… It involved it being night time.. Sometime after a rain (lord knows I need rain in my whims, fantasies and dreams, as it’s been raining entirely too much ’round here for the last week), and I was walking someplace — didn’t really pay much attention to the detail as to whether it was home, or someplace outbound… This is a whim, not an actual story. Anyway, in the whim, Seth was trying to tell me something. I wasn’t actually listening particularly because he was right about what he was saying to me, and I knew he was right and I was wrong. On an impulse, I had turned to him and hugged him, running my hand through his hair. When I tried to kiss him in that whim, I ended up shocking myself right out of my daydream, right back into reality and proceeded to have something like an anxiety attack for having such a fantasy.

[Last edited: 05/19/2006 08:42:10 PM]

     So I sat there and watched to the end of Rent enthralled with some of the songs, and some of the story that went on with it, and feeling ever so guilty for having even that whim. Even after I finished the movie, and my aunt went to bed, I laid there looking up at the ceiling wondering — should I say something about it? Should I keep it to myself? Should I simply write it off to my over-active imagination? Or should I pursue?

     Anyway, I’ve been wasting entirely too much time trying to get this written.. Work’s been beating my ass up here, and I need to have time off in order to answer these questions. I’ll probably have Monday off, so I’ll write then.
     Until then or the next time…
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