Home > Life or something like it > Entry 05/21/2006 08:32:41 AM – Mentat 273

Entry 05/21/2006 08:32:41 AM – Mentat 273

05/22/2006
     Just when I thought that I was coming to grips with some of the issues that I’ve been dealing with since realizing that I had more feelings for Seth than just friendship, on the way home, when I was standing at the bus stop at the airport, I went through my little red book to see what I had been working on, as well as the various to-dos that I need to do as well as add a few, I had come across my little work on “The Whys” that Seth had brought up in an e-mail on Wednesday. In that he had asked a couple of whys that come up when one realizes that what they have with someone is about to change and transform. In that, the three questions were:
     The why of it all? The why me of it? The why now of it?

     Now, I had worked on the answers preliminarily in my red book, and then later discussed this with Seth through messenger… But to keep a little consistency, instead of re-posting them in an Email to Seth, I’ll just put them to my journal. Following is the excerpts that I have from my red book:

     The why of it?

     The typical answer I get whenever I ask this is, Why not? Yeah, I know – it’s the sort of thing that I would expect of asking my heart, as the vaguer the question, the vaguer the answer (or in this case, the question back. Ah, you’ve just got to love that habit of mine of answering questions with more questions).

     The why now of it?

     This answer to this is all too familiar. One that I had learned from my watching Babylon 5. Delenn of Minbar said it best when she said to Sheridan, “…The universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, is the right place and the right time… The pain that sometimes comes, is part of the process of constantly being born…”
     I know that this isn’t necessarily a pain; hell falling in love shouldn’t be pain at all. But it is considered one of those not so easy places. Especially considering that I’m developing feelings for the man that I’ve known for close to three years.

     The why me of it?

     Now this is one of those kinds of questions that started out innocently, but ended up with me working through this from the time I hit Airport, until the time I came home and watched Brokeback Mountain. The answer that I had put down in my red book was:

     This is a fill in the blank answer based on head and heart. The question is though – Do I deserve a second chance?

     There were times during the ride home that I had honestly didn’t think I deserved a second chance (figuratively speaking, literally speaking this would be the fourth time, give or take). I mean, looking back through all the years that I’ve been out and trying to make a relationship work with the men in my life, I’ve had such a terrible run of luck. Between Rick and the years of emotional and physical abuse we had inflicted on each other towards the end of the relationship, and then having the heartbreak and depression and further heartbreak with Will… I just don’t think that I have all that much luck when it comes to men. With this in mind, perhaps it’s in my best interest that I just pack it up and give it up on relationships in general.
     Then when I got home and my aunt was pretty bored with television and wanted to watch Brokeback Mountain, my issues about whether or not I deserve to try to love again were further exacerbated by watching Ennis not fall in love with Jack and doing everything in his power to freeze up, not try and introvert all his feelings for anyone until it was too late – really hit home on my issues.

     I did have the opportunity to speak with Seth last night after watching Brokeback Mountain about these issues, which was a good thing, given that he grounded me enough for me to realize that there were just too many variables for me to make any decisions on. The bottom line is, I really should hold off on all this stress and allow myself to follow through with this without making any rash decision, or even more rash judgments.
     Will I actually follow this advice? Chances are, I’ll continue to revisit the issues, in spite of the fact that there are too many variables. There is just one issue that I’m really tripping on – and that’s the fact that these feelings are developing for a friend, instead of it following the routine and being some total stranger that I didn’t know.

[Last edited: 05/21/2006 02:25:10 PM]

     While I was at lunch, it dawned on me while I was eating. Perhaps the issue isn’t that I don’t think myself worthy of trying again. Perhaps the true issue is that I’m too afraid to try again. The more that I thought about this – the more that I realized just how afraid I was of trying.
     Well… When I get the chance, I’ll examine it more… In the meantime, perhaps I should just leave well enough alone, given just how tired I am, trying to work these hours and through weekends. Perhaps when I get a chance on Tuesday I’ll examine this more. Right now though – I just need to get through the day.

     I’m off for the time being… Let’s see if I can get through the day without passing out. Until the next time…
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