Home > Life or something like it > Entry 05/27/2006 05:09:34 PM – Mentat 274

Entry 05/27/2006 05:09:34 PM – Mentat 274

T-Minus 14 days…

     That’s how much time before I get up at the routine butt crack of dawn and instead of heading towards Providence and routing myself to work, I will be instead heading towards Amtrak and New York City to meet up with Seth. Sure, I’ve had the tickets ordered and picked up a full week ago, but now that I’m getting closer to the date and time, I’m beginning to mark the time both here in my journal, as well as on my calendar. I know that I should be really excited about this trip — and someplace deep inside, I’m pretty sure that I am — but at the present time, because of the down-to-approach Seth has applied to it, I’m pretty calm about it.
     Sure, I’ve thought about what it’s going to be like taking the trip. The three hours on the train, sitting next to someone that will either keep to themselves, or that I’ll simply have the row to myself. The getting into Penn Station at 10 or so in the morning, wearing a pair of shorts, shirt, hat, messenger bag, either sandals or sneakers (depending on mood), and sunglasses and realizing that I should actually be wearing my glasses because I won’t be able to make Seth out until I’m like ten feet from him because of my far-sightedness.
     I’ve thought about trouncing about town with him, showing me the various places. Talking the entire time about life, the universe, and everything else in between.
     I imagined stopping someplace for coffee…
     I imagined wandering around Central Park…
     I imagined stopping hither and yon, playing the part of tourist and taking a couple of pictures.
     I even imagined the look on Seth’s face as he realized what I bought for him.
     After that though, that’s about as far as I get. Someplace after that, I get hazy and stop imagining because deep down inside, I think that in imagining it out, I’ll then start planning it out, and that’s the last thing I want to do. It is after all, the eve of my birthday, and like most birthday celebrations orchestrated by me, I try to be as spontaneous as possible — even if that spontaneity is to pretty much do nothing but wander about town, or reflect on the last year of my life and wonder what I should attempt to do for this year of it.
     *grinning* All right, I’m more sedate about it than I thought, but the more I put it to print and concrete, the more I’m really looking forward to it.

     Things are different this time. Different in ways that I don’t know how to properly take an internal temperature on how and what I’m feeling. Sure, the feelings that I was having at the beginning when I realized just how much the world had changed right before my eyes, and there in the middle of a warm feeling of friendship were something akin to attraction. Sure there was the feeling of infatuation — a warm and familiar feeling that comes when I realized that what I was feeling for Seth was something more than just friendship, and a desire to wanting to know him far more intimately than I currently knew.
     But then shortly after realizing it, I clash headlong with long-standing traditions of not intermixing longstanding friendships with boyfriends/relationships. Which caused me to feeling guilt, which wasn’t a good thing, given that it caused all sorts of anxiety. With the anxiety came fear, with the fear came other issues that bubbled up to the surface all stemmed in fear.
     Fear that the attraction might not be mutual. (Yes, like I need to go through more unrequited love in my life).
     Fear that Seth won’t find me in the least bit attractive…
     Fear that Seth won’t find me worthy of the attempt…
     Fear that I won’t be worthy of the attempt…
     Fear that I’m going to back out and I’m going to run like hell like a coward before I allow myself to feel anything more than I‘m already feeling, and get over the fears that I’m going through. That being:

     The fear of falling in love…

     I admit that fear has been the one that I’ve been wrestling with the most for the last few weeks. Not an easy one to be wrestling with, given the fact that it comes so close to all the hurt that I’ve gone through between the catastrophe of a relationship with Rick, and the heartbreak with Will in the last two years. Sometimes it’s overwhelmingly scary to be wrestling with that fear. That sometimes I find myself tired of fighting it and wondering whether I could either make peace with that fear, or simply walk away and give up trying to fight and overwhelm it.

     There are parts of me that are healed… There are parts of me that realize that I shouldn’t allow any man the power over me like Rick had, or to try making something work that really should’ve been let go… But there are also parts of me that I sometimes think will never truly heal.
     I also have the fear that while I’m hoping things will be different this time, that out of habit, I’m going to return to habits I really shouldn’t return to… Closing up emotionally and mentally because I’m just not being understood. Taking for granted something I shouldn’t take for granted. The kind of things people wish that they could make better of themselves, and sometimes failing miserably the next time around.

[Last Edited: 05/28/2006 10:40:30 PM]

     I got distracted yesterday when trying to complete this journal entry. I had most of the afternoon to myself, but when my aunt came home, she wanted to talk to me about some of the things we had talked about five months ago, about my brother. Apparently someone at the graduation party she had gone to had made comment about Jon being home in January, of which I had to remind her that she knew that he was home in January like her friend said; however he wasn’t back in Rhode Island after being here for the holiday. That her friend was simply reinforcing what we had already known about him being here for the New Year’s Holiday.
     Then she (my aunt) went off on some tangent about some of the other things we had discussed about my brother’s predicaments, and the way that he was acting, and just how the way he was acting should’ve cued her into what was going on.
     I told her that hindsight is always 20/20… Which is why she’s able to look back and see what she was seeing, instead of knowing on the spot. I also told her that there’s nothing we can do to change the past, and that it’s the way it is in the present for a reason.
     From that point however, and the subsequent things we had talked about (I don’t remember what it was right now, all I know is that it had to deal with a whole lot of sagely advise that I’ve learned in the last ten years), I lost the train of thought, and the train of feelings I was wrestling with at the time.
     Later on in the evening when I was talking with Seth, I had shared the preliminary works of this entry in the hopes of teaching him about fear and the desire to get the best of it before fear got the best of me. Unfortunately though, even with me making an addendum to this for him explaining that in spite of the fears, in spite of the unknowns, I would be the kind of person that would try. I would pull myself out of the loneliness and the fear, and try. But I don’t think that the message came through in spite of my pointing it out not once, but twice.
     In the end, I felt like I wasn’t doing all that spectacularly, and felt twice as frustrated trying to make the point I was trying to make.

     I’ll write more tomorrow… Right now, I’m more tired than I thought, and my mind isn’t anywhere near to where it should be. Until the next time.
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