Home > Life or something like it > Entry 06/10/2006 09:09:06 AM – Mentat 277

Entry 06/10/2006 09:09:06 AM – Mentat 277

06/10/2006
     Wow…

     That’s the word that comes readily to mind to describe the events that have occurred in the last (almost) two weeks.  Wow… 

     I could talk about work, and the familiar pattern that it brings me…  But after writing two paragraphs of it, I realized that it’s finally gotten to the point where it’s common place, and really isn’t worth really talking about. 
     I could talk about the chore of the seven day stretch that I went through last week, and how bloody difficult it was to get through it.  How close I was to quitting my job from having to go through that seven day stretch…  How, I can understand why the turnaround is so high at this place because of the odd hours, and pretty much ensuring one can’t have much of a life outside of one that comes from being already settled with someone else.  And that’s not really worth it either.  Too bland…  God…  And I remember the time in my journals so many years ago, when it was entries of nothing but work, and what I was trying to understand about the job. 
     Thanks, but I don’t need another revisit of that. 

     I could talk about the way things had changed gradually between Seth and I, only to become rather drastic after Memorial Day.  How, things looked so well a month ago, in spite of the fact that I was fighting against an age old tradition I have upheld all of my adult life never to mix relationships with friendships, and with one fight about trying to get a man with a monumental chip on his shoulder about a supposedly physical handicap (speech impediment) and doing everything in his power to control how I would react to it, instead of allowing me to react to it in my way; which then turned into the familiar feeling I got after living four years with an emotionally abusive man, turned out making me feel like I was getting to run an emotional minefield under automatic weapons fire, because the fight that was picked was the easy way out.  Yeah — I pulled a Bene Tleilax/Face Dancer approach of giving Seth a choice between the easy course to fight, or the truth to fight, and he chose the easy course.
     Yeah, the trip I was supposed to make to New York City to meet him I cancelled out on, not so much because of the fight, because the demands that were being made to garner trust, too high for either of us to pay.  
     Although I did wake up this morning about the time that I was supposed to, to make the trip, in spite of the fact that my alarm wasn’t under my pillow like it should have been, and I didn’t actually hear it go off, and almost got myself out of bed to make the trip in spite of everything, just so that I could get around the city and enjoy the day before I turned forty-two.  Instead though — because it was raining when I woke up, I grabbed my MP3 player and listened to dance tunes and tried to smooth out my breathing to something respectable. 
     I wish I could say that I was actually feeling something about all this…  Regret, disappointment, hell, anything would be better than the blankness that I‘m currently feeling…  But given the way that it paraded right through my issue about the shit that I’ve gone through Rick — whatever I would normally feel in such a situation has been totally shut down and moved out of my mind, and my heart. 
     But how does one talk about all the events that have lead to this, and the total alienation of someone I had called friend for more than two years, when I feel positively nothing in the decision that I have made by cutting out all communications with him? 

     I could talk about the mixed signals I get from the messages I routinely get from Charlie, even though I don’t do all that much to maintain communication with him; and how for reasons I simply can’t makes sense of he’s either simply stringing me along (at worst) or simply lacks the courage to go further in any direction — be it away towards what he‘s trying to look for, or towards me to figure out whether I’m compatible with him. 
     But my feelings for him remain as though he’s out of my league, or I’m out of his, and no matter how much folk, friends and relatives tell me I should pursue him now that all the issues that have come to pass have occurred with Seth, I simply don’t think it’s within my best interest, or Charlie’s to pursue this even casually.  This of course is compounded by his location, and my desire not to drive, and his loathing TO drive.  
     Not to mention that as I sat there this morning thinking a little bit about whether or not I should call him today, just to say hi and most probably put an end to both the curiosity, and the need to figure him out and where he wants to go with his life, and his needs — thought of how adversely I would react if he were to kiss me, or simply take hold of my hand — and decided totally against making that call on account that I don’t need another unhinging like I went through for the Memorial Day Weekend, and how long it had taken me to get myself grounded once again.  It’s better that I deal with what I’m feeling and what I’m not feeling without the distractions I get from empathically attaching myself to a fellow empath. 

     I could talk about the fact that tomorrow, I turn 42.  A birthday which by tradition through the last two decades of my adult life are the time when I truly feel the decade I’m currently living through.  About the fact that this morning while I was sitting there in bed, listening to Tamia’s “Still”, I realized that I’m exactly where I was two years prior — at my aunt and uncle’s — and trying to enjoy the weather of the north (such as it is this year, given the amount of chill and rain New England has gone through the last two months) while at the same time try to make sense of the feelings I’ve got going — two years ago being the feelings that I had gotten out of a bad relationship and trying desperately to heal from all the hurts and the pains experienced in it.  And now, two years later, wondering whether I have healed from all the hurts and pains I’ve experienced at the hands of myself and my (sometimes) never-ending quest for love and companionship and trying to change from the man that I once was, into a man more seasoned and experienced and able to handle what it is to love another man…
     But traditionally I don’t normally self-explore or try to get an internal temperature as to what I’m going through this close to a birthday.  The only thing I usually do this time is go introspective and retrospective and recall both the good and the bad over the last year…  And there’s a lot of ground to cover there.  Which means that I might explore this after I get through my traditional retrospect journal/blog entry.

     So what am I actually going to talk about today?  Heh, ironically I’ve spoken about everything that’s been going on the last (almost) two weeks.  Even if I didn’t really want to talk about it.  I would like to go out and take pictures of the area, if only to just show off  the area to those folk that think Rhode Island is just about Newport, or to show friends from Rhode Island too far gone from the state what’s remembered and what’s changed. 
     But it’s not going to be possible, given the amount of rain that’s going on here.  *sigh*  Tiring as this rain is, given the amount that’s fallen here the last three weeks.  Which means I’m probably going to sit around, nap and loaf until some unspecified time when I’m too bored out of my brain, and too tired of sitting still for long periods of time, and drive my ass out of here on some random and reckless mission towards Providence or some such place.

     Well, I’m off…  Said all that I want to.  Until the next time. 
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