Home > Life or something like it > Entry 06/11/2006 05:15:36 PM – Mentat 278

Entry 06/11/2006 05:15:36 PM – Mentat 278

06/12/2006
     You know… For this being my 42nd birthday, not only can I say I don’t remotely feel my age, but I also don’t even remotely feel like writing my year in review journal entry/e-mail that I traditionally do when it’s my birthday. Part of it has to do with the fact that a year ago today, I was sitting in my bed, numb beyond words, and crying my heart out because I had broken up with Will on that birthday (even though he didn’t remember what day it was), part of it has to do with the fact that the amount of immediate family drama (namely mother and brother) I just dodged today makes me wish I didn’t actually get up, let alone move here so they could pull their routinely blank and bordering insincere “Happy Birthday” wishes that have as much feeling, and as much warmth as a dead of night winter’s evening.
     *takes a deep breath*

     The trip, as you know from my journal entry, was cancelled on account of too much drama, and issues (on both sides) being paraded upon. My friend Jim tells me that it’s all for the best because I knew when it was time to bail, and that trust wasn’t being garnered like it should have. Heh, he also said that saying from Steel Magnolias about “…that which does not kill us, makes us stronger…” Hell, like I have anything to worry about being killed by this sort of thing. But like him, I’m more than a little concerned about the apparent lack of feelings that I’m currently going through because I had written off Seth in the way that I did. It’s rather chilling as I look back at it the way I got so systematic about and shut down everything. But then, looking back not to the events to lead to this, but two years prior — with all the shit that I went through with Rick… I guess I have some issues from that, that I still need to delve into.
     So yesterday, when I was sufficiently punchy from cabin fever from all the rain that’s been hitting the area for the last four or five days, when it started getting lighter, I had taken the opportunity in the middle of the afternoon to grab the bag, the camera, some walking shoes, and my umbrella and decided to try out the camera to see what kind of pictures I could take. Thirty-Nine pictures and about one-hundred megabytes later — I’ve got cropped down pictures of them posted on 360 and some of the more choice pictures on MSN Spaces.
     I’ve got to say, it’s a pretty damned good camera. In spite of the issues with getting a proper memory stick for it, and getting the hang of the camera controls, it did a pretty damned good job taking pictures, including a couple of camera zooms that I thought that I was going to have. It’s a birthday present, I’m really glad to have… Heh, now I have something else to worry about when it comes to memory and space on my hard drive.

     Then there was my waking up this morning with the makings of a cluster headache/sinus headache from hell/almost migraine… I hadn’t been up more than ten minutes when the phone rang, and my aunt answered the phone. I heard her talking about a fight over two months old, and at first I thought in my ever so decaffeinated and ever so groggy mind that she was rehashing something with uncle, and when she handed over the phone without telling me who it was, it took nothing for me to realize that she was trying to hand the phone over to speak to my mother… Needless to say, the phone skittered across the table with me saying something to the extend of, “oh fuck no… There’s no way in hell I’m going to talk with her today…” and proceeded to head for the bathroom to heed a nature call, and try to get a little of the pain out of my head.
     Later on in the day, when a simple trip to the supermarket for “a few things” that turned into a full hour’s worth of every-aisle-shopping, I come home to find on the answering machine, a call from my brother Jon trying to wish me a happy birthday — but it was pretty damned clear that he wasn’t comfortable doing it because he identified himself all wrong, and it was apparent the message was pretty forced.
     Deleted that message without a second thought, but not without saying, “Whatever” and “Fuck You” at least ten times while that 30 second message played. My aunt kept telling me to calm down, but I wouldn’t really… Hell, you’d think he’d figure out that I’m not about to start talking to his overbearing and over-controlling ass without an apology for the shit that he pulled on me two months ago, before I had landed the job at Brook’s. But as my aunt ever so succinctly pointed out — that’s not about to happen because he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong.
     Well then, there’s going to be more silence and more “fuck you” messages to playing voicemail because I’m not about to talk to him either…

     Someplace in the middle of this, I get an e-mail from someone that I haven’t talked with all that much since the middle of last year because the issues he was going through were WAY too deep for the likes of me to handle, informing me that he’s found someone to love (although the person is almost twice his age), and that in a tribute to the help I’ve given him — when he changes his name during the commitment ceremony with the love of his life — he’s going do be doing it to Andrews, as a “…tribute to you…”
     Yes, I’m sufficiently floored after seeing that. It’s one thing to believe one to be an influence in someone’s life… It’s quite the other to have that kind of effect/impact on someone. I used it as an opportunity to talk a little with Charlie this morning on it, both as a sounding board to understand that I could have that impact (which I still don’t. And I’m not sure whether it’s modesty, or something attributed to a lack of self-esteem), and to get a temperature on things since the weekend two weeks ago, and came to the realization during the conversation he was simply being kind and polite and was blowing me off… Good thing too… Now all I need to do is get him to remove me from his Yahoo Messenger, and I’ll be free and clear to navigate like I normally do (I’m still on there as of this morning, because he admitted to seeing me online).

     So how am I feeling at the moment? Glad to have had these two days off. Just a little bit disappointed the way things went with Seth… Although I know that in the days to come, as I head to and from work, I’m going to meditate more than a little bit as to how and why I reacted as coldly as I did — even if the end results are going to remain the same way. Rolling my eyes that my immediate family has tried to “wish me a happy birthday” in spite of the fact that neither Jon, nor Rachel (my mother) were sincere about it, and seemed to have been going through motions more than anything else. Happy at the sincerity my aunts and uncles have shown me in wishing me a “Happy Birthday…” (although singing it to me is much like fingernails across the chalkboard).
     It would be nice to have some peace, or at least inner peace. But that won’t be coming for a while.

     As for the year in review…

     I might not actually do it this year. I’m sort of not really wanting to look back at the last year, particularly when I consider the heartache and heartbreak I had been going through on my birthday last year. Not to mention the amount of traveling I’ve done, the amount of depression I had gone through to get to where I am at the moment. Hell, even sitting here and working through today’s entry, I realize that I’ve still got quite a long way still to go.
I’ll think about it a little bit more…

     Well, that’s about it for the time being. I think I’m going to head to bed shortly. I need some more sleep to face my day on tomorrow. Until the next time.
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