Home > Life or something like it > Entry 06/28/2006 09:25:15 PM – Mentat 281

Entry 06/28/2006 09:25:15 PM – Mentat 281

     Emancipation Day come and gone… And me coming to terms with the things that I had planned on giving up holding on to, as my tradition dictates me to do when I decide to let something go free on that day.

     For those of you that don’t know of my long-standing tradition — Emancipation Day is the 25th of June. It’s a date riddled with omens, portents and events throughout my life — even though I didn’t know half of them during the earlier portions of my life, only to have them in spades later on.
     According to my mother, it’s the projected date I was supposed to be born on, that didn’t happen because of my own actions two weeks prior.
It’s the birth date of several of my earliest childhood friends that I had made when I was growing up in Woonsocket — Lynn B., Lori F., Donna L. (seeing a pattern here? I did too).
     It’s the date that someone that I had thought I could call friend — Mike F. — who had used me in much the same way that Eric (my first) had done me, except for the sex. To get him from place to place. To get him introduced to folk that could better his ends. Who had gotten fired on this day after months of torment of working with him in the same building and despising it the entire time. It’s from this event of him being fired that I had first launched the Holy Day in my book — because I had been blue, and sad, while at the same time happy to get Mike F. out of my life — that my friend Mike S. had send me a balloon-o-gram of some hot looking man to work to cheer me up. Mike S. sent the balloon-o-gram as an up yours to Mike F; but Mike F. didn’t see it…
     It’s the date four years later that I had met Darin and called out anniversary for four and a half years.
     So for Emancipation Day — I routinely release one of my monkeys on my back — in order to carry less, and make myself feel just a little bit better than I had the year prior.

     I had been sort of inspired by chatting with someone named Kevin on gay.com that had said that he had nothing to be thankful for with his maker — and as I sat there thinking about the impact of that half-thought comment of his I realized I had quite a lot to be thankful for.
     I am thankful that much of my heart’s been mended since saying good-bye to Will.
     I am thankful that I’m on home turf; and not bleeding too badly emotionally about it. (Although there were moments back when I first got back, there were moments that it was pretty bad — particularly with the brother and parents).
     I am thankful that things make sense to me at work — and while there are moments where I’m fighting the urge to run and quit — that it’s not as bad as when I was working at Reese in Greensburg (which was hell in its own right).
     I am thankful that I had met a handsome man since I had come home — and while I feel as though he’s out of my league, and that I’m not worth — for that one moment it was bliss…  And a moment’s worth of bliss is worth infinitely more to me than going on with anger and rage, and fury.
     So in that one moment when he had said that, and the following that I had felt all those thoughts — I realized that it was time to let go some of the hurt, and heartbreak, and pain, and anger, and even some of the fury that I’ve had going with me since I’ve returned home three months ago.
     Sure, it’s pretty easy to say, “I let it go.” Perhaps even do something along the line of a ceremony either including the burning of a Ken Doll or some such… But I know with this one it’s going to take quite a feat. Particularly given the fact that I don’t forget things like I should… Or can for that matter. The curse of having an eidetic memory… So, it’s going to turn into one of those sort of things that I nearly constantly need to keep in check until I clue the hell in.
     No doubt more of that in the near future.

     Not a particularly inspiring night to sit down and write a journal entry… I’ll try to write another night, at the moment though, I just wanted to drop a quick note about Emancipation Day.

     Until the next time.
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