Home > Life or something like it > Entry 07/15/2006 12:12:02 PM – Mentat 283

Entry 07/15/2006 12:12:02 PM – Mentat 283

07/16/2006
     In all the years that I’ve been wandering the face of the planet, I’ve come to believe that there are no such things as coincidences.  Part of the reason has been because people have feigned coincidence with me and had premeditated everything from the start.  Most of the time though has to do with the fact that most of the coincidences in my life have been because of planning and gambling on odds working in my favor.  Do I believe in luck because of this?  Sometimes.  Especially given that some of the odds for something happening or not happening are pretty well up there, and that I have this uncanny ability to beat the odds on somethings.  (Heh, too bad it’s not on lotteries…  Would be nice to win several million). 
     The reason for this line of thought has to do with the surprising e-mail that I had received through my inbox by way of reunion.com (http://www.reunion.com).  Apparently, after 23 years of being out of high school, and several years since I’ve seen Daniel Nault’s name on the site, he drops me an e-mail saying hi. Now, why I don’t find this the least of a coincidence has to do with the fact that my aunt used to work with his sister (or perhaps it’s even his wife, I can’t be sure of the distinction) over at Putnam Investments.  And knowing how families communicate — I’m more than reasonably sure that he’s heard word that I’m back in the neighborhood. 
     While my mind being the suspicious thing by nature, my feelings that Daniel is wanting to get back in contact have been rather good.  It’s like "Old Home Week" as the local saying is for reunions and what now.  While he and I didn’t have all that much in common – as he was the aspiring jock who had a temperment more like my brother than me – and me being the introverted geek; the two things that we did have in common were the fact that we both went through Catholic Regional, and at the time with my name being Newlander instead of Baldelli, he and I used to spend homeroom together and walking to school together in the morning. 
     Heh, homeroom. 
     The homeroom teachers used to have us sitting in order, and for all three years, there was Dan and I sitting next to each other.  Being the teenager that I was and lusting for just about anything that moved and breathed and was male — I had some pretty interesting daydreams and whims involving Dan — but knew never to follow through with them given that we had nothing in common, as he was clearly terminally heterosexual even back then. 
     After graduation — I admit that I didn’t think much about the goings on of any of my schoolmates, even ten years later.  I was glad to get out of school, and gladder I had gotten as far away from some of the kids that used to torment me.  Years pass, as years do.  Then the two reunion/classmates sites come up, and me being the Internet hack that I am, decided on checking them out.  Tried checking a whole lot of people out — found Alan Rainville, who was married and had children, Eric Savoie (yes, the first ex) who had dropped me an e-mail and then was removed from the system for doing so, Daniel who was a gym teacher in the Walpole area; saw a couple of other people listed, but I’d be damned if I knew who they were from my class. 
     Now this… 
     So, I fired off a message in return to his "hey" message, telling him precisely why I hadn’t written several years ago, whether it was more than a coincidence.  Still haven’t heard from him — but that’s not surprising, given that I shouldn’t expect everyone to be as keyed into the Internet as I am. 

     As for the rest of my life… 

     Well, work has once again exploded out of control.  For a few days since coming back, it was relatively all right — but the last couple of days,  I’ve gone back to the 10+ hour days that I had been working prior to Independence Day.  Of course, what’s not helping my mood has to do with the fact that when I got my schedule for the next week yesterday, I found that they had moved up my day off from Tuesday which is what it’s been for the last two months, to Wednesday, extending my long week from six days to a full week (seven).  Frankly, I’m not in the least bit happy with this, and have been seriously thought about terminating this contract.  What’s next?  eight?  nine?  a full ten?  Thank you no.  Not in the mood, and certainly not paid enough to be working the flexibility that they are requiring for the position. 
     Other than that — I hate saying it but I haven’t really done much of anything other than be an annoyance online.  This is mostly because of the plain and simple fact that I’m coming into my six day (now seven day stretch, grrr!) and not really having much energy to do anything else.  Got a couple of new people out in Yahoo that are rapidly becoming regulars: a kid from the metro DC area named Marc/Mark (forgot how it’s spelled) that says positively off-his-rocker-type random comments in an effort to totally shock the shit out of folk.  Sometimes it works, most of the time though it’s so off the wall that people routinely just ignore it and move the hell on. 
     Another was Bob –  someone that I had talked with in e-mail a couple of time several months ago about the dating dos and don’ts.  Stopped e-mailing me and then chose to talk to me instead starting the beginning of the week.  When he found out however that I had a hell of a lot more knowledge on computer, he inundated me with computer questions.  Needless to say, that got tiring really fast, given that he was having problems finding intermediate information, and I was tired of helping on something that he should really have figured out for himself.  Haven’t had a chance to talk to him since my day off, considering I’ve either had to work late, or simply didn’t get online until much later than I’ve seen him online. 

     As for my last journal entry — I remember that I made mention that I wanted to take an internal temperature on some of the things that I’ve been going through and what I’ve been feeling since the last couple of journal entried that I’ve written.  Then I pushed that off because I realized that I had been taking entirely too many internal temperatures and that the only thing that I’ve been doing has been tearing myself up in the process.  Now that I have the opportunity, I’m not entirely sure whether it would be a wise choice or not, given the manner for which I hyper-analyze things.  Especially when you consider that one of the issues that I want to take an internal temperature on is about sex and relationships.  Not a pretty one to do anything of the sort when I admit that dating hasn’t been exactly spectacular, and the folk while nice, have either flaked (like Charlie did), or I simply had nothing in common with (like Bob).  And while there have been a couple of people I’ve been moderately interested in getting to know, most of them are nowhere near this state.  And at the moment, I’m not in any mood to be doing anything long-distance — particularly the way that things had gone with Seth. 
     Speaking of, I’ve had on and off thoughts about Seth since I’ve called it off, and wished him well.  Apparently I’ve got some unresolved issues regarding this, as whenever I think about him and the situation, I have this overwhelming desire to give him some sort of sermonize/lecture him for the control issues that he displayed and the issues that he had paraded over in the process.  But the more that I think about it, the more that I think this may not be the way I should go.  Perhaps it’ll be best to leave well enough alone and move on from it, instead of thinking about it anymore, in spite of the fact that I feel as though I’m throwing a two plus year friendship to the trash heap. 
     But is it honestly throwing it to the trash heap?  Is this me being a disposable consumer like I’ve accused so many other people of being?  I honestly don’t know.  Instinctively it feels like I am — I would rather try to work out whatever the issue is rather than dispose of it.  On the other hand though, given the fact that the issues that were paraded upon were entirely too close to the shit that I had gone through with Rick — right down to the feeling that the issues were being transferred back to me — intellectually I believe that it’s best I steer clear and remain clear, given that I don’t need to be feeling any more deja vu than I already do now that what’s gone on between Rick and I.  I think I’ll shelf this for the time being and perhaps revisit it another day.

     Another thing that I’ve found myself thinking a little about was Will…  Although this wasn’t like the obsession that I was going through six months ago.  In fact, I’ve found myself thinking rather fondly of the man, and hoping that wherever he is, things are going the way they should be going for him. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  I think I’ve covered all that I can.  Until the next time. 
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