Home > Uncategorized > Entry 08/08/2006 12:05:36 PM – Mentat 285

Entry 08/08/2006 12:05:36 PM – Mentat 285

08/08/2006

    
I cant even begin to work through all the feelings that I had been
going through over the last couple of days that this interchange from
someone that I hadnt heard from in the last couple of months.  Anger
wasnt one of the emotions, thats for sure, and at the end of it,
certainly not the kind of gloating that I would do if this sort of
thing happened with someone I deemed a fake or a poseur.  But given the
way that things had come to pass, perhaps Ill just laundry list it, and
go from there


    
Disappointment.  A whole lot of disappointment.  Some of is linked into
the lines, No more lying friends  Wanting tragic ends  Some of it
because of the way things had to fall into place the way that they did.
 

    
Satisfaction.  In the way that things have fallen the way that they
have.  Come good or bad, at least its all been worked out.  

    
Guilt.  Part of it having to do with the way that things fell the way
that they did.  Part of it having to do with the fact that I had to
follow familiar patterns in dealing with some of the material I had to
deal with.  

    
Cant say that its surprise or shock, but Im sure theres something more
subtle than that, that Im not thinking of the word at the moment.  But
its something between the two  Someplace.

    
Theres actually a small part of me that is at peace as to the way that
things have had to go to create Seths final word in on the matter. 
Anything that comes forward from this point forward, will either be
icing on the cake, or simply a matter of clean-up.   Like an epilog,
only more ongoing.  


    
Following is the interchange that had occurred between Seth and I last
week.  At first I wouldnt have done anything of the sort — wouldnt
have posted the e-mails verbatim  But there had been a reference that
some of the folk that knew Seth are apparently reporting to him my
activities, particularly when it came to my mentioning him in my
journal entries  So I think it apropos that they see what their road to
Hell is paved with good intentions have wrought first hand.  Enjoy


—– What started this all  

Michael,

I
have really tried to not write to you. A pride thing I guess. But
curiosity and confusion are pretty strong motivators. So, I write.


Here’s my disclaimer…

I
really do not need a lecture or a hand-slap from you. You were in that
place before where I could feel you judging me. If you are still in
that place, I wrote too soon. What I need from you now is an honest,
self-reflective, controlled reply. If you can give me that, keep
reading. If you cannot, you may delete now.


I
am utterly confused by the events that transpired in June. I really
don’t understand them. What I got from you was extreme doubt that I was
who I said I was. (Though that extreme doubt seemed sudden. I cannot
imagine that for the past two years you had doubted who I was. Is this
a case of you thinking I was 12 or 70 or female for two years? I don’t
think so, but if it was, please let me know. It will make the whole
thing a lot easier to deal with if that is the case.) But, the way it
felt to me was overnight. It seemed like you just got hyper-sensitive
about a trip to NYC, and you got worried. And you got worried….why?
Because I wouldn’t call you? (Is all I told you about my lack of
capacity to talk on the phone a joke to you? Or is it just another
thing you think is a lie?)


I guess what I really want to know from you is this:

1. Why did you tell me I could trust you?
2. Why did you purchase a train ticket to NYC and then not use it?
3.
Why for two years did you play the role of intellectual? Of sensitive
listener? Of kind-hearted compassionate friend?…..Only to turn into a
cold-hearted, mean individual when it counted the most? Were you trying
to shut your heart down to protect yourself?

4.
What did I do to you to make you dislike me so much? (I didn’t call
you. That is all I am aware of doing. Do you even comprehend why I
didn’t call you…or do you still believe it was a control issue?)


I am so utterly confused.

I
really am making life progress. I am. So this blow of yours has hit me
hard. Perhaps I am too self-reflective. But what I want to hear from
you is why did you blame me for ruining our meeting?


I was there, you know…birthday present in hand…staring at faces from 10:30 until 11:40. Why weren’t you there?

All
you had to do was get on a train to see if I was 12 or 70 or female.
One day out of your life. You would have known. I couldn’t imagine
someone purchasing a ticket and then not using it…so of course, I was
there to meet you. But you weren’t there. For a few days, I actually
worried that you had seen me and found a way to avoid me. That
represented just how much you didn’t want to see me. That was a
terrible feeling. Thankfully, an internet friend read your blog and
told me they were so sorry that you had had to cancel your nyc trip.
That’s how I knew you didn’t go.


So,
why didn’t you go and why did you blame it all on me? I want to know
why. I really need to know why. If nothing else, I want to learn from
this.


Seth

—-  My response

Please see my comments below….

—– Original Message —–
From: Seth
Sent: Saturday, July 29, 2006 1:45 AM
Subject: Just read it before u delete it.

Michael,

I
have really tried to not write to you. A pride thing I guess. But
curiosity and confusion are pretty strong motivators. So, I write.


Here’s my disclaimer…

This is not a disclaimer actually, this is a condition (at best) or a demand (at worst).

I
really do not need a lecture or a hand-slap from you. You were in that
place before where I could feel you judging me. If you are still in
that place, I wrote too soon. What I need from you now is an honest,
self-reflective, controlled reply. If you can give me that, keep
reading. If you cannot, you may delete now.


You
have no idea what a lecture is from me. Put together Dixie Carter’s
character from Designing Women, a lesbian with a cause, and roll it up
into a healthy section of Olympia Dukakis’ character from Steel
Magnolias and you’ll have an idea of what it’s like to get a lecture
from the likes of me.


Hand-slapping
on the other hand, unfortunately is a side-effect from me. Comes with
the territory of having a sharp mind, and a sharper tongue and seeing
less than spectacular perspective from someone. While I don’t always
mean to do it, even when I’m with the closest of friends, it sometimes
comes out as looking as though I am. If this be the case, I simply warn
in advance, it’s not my intention, and if someone thinks I’m doing it
— point it out, and I’ll both explain why this is so, and cut back on
actually appearing to be hand-slapping.


I
am utterly confused by the events that transpired in June. I really
don’t understand them. What I got from you was extreme doubt that I was
who I said I was. (Though that extreme doubt seemed sudden. I cannot
imagine that for the past two years you had doubted who I was. Is this
a case of you thinking I was 12 or 70 or female for two years? I don’t
think so, but if it was, please let me know. It will make the whole
thing a lot easier to deal with if that is the case.) But, the way it
felt to me was overnight. It seemed like you just got hyper-sensitive
about a trip to nyc, and you got worried. And you got worried….why?
Because I wouldn’t call you? (Is all I told you about my lack of
capacity to talk on the phone a joke to you? Or is it just another
thing you think is a lie?)


Then you need to understand two things; the first being where I come from. The second being why I brought it up now.

Some
folk that I’ve dealt with have maintained lies and shade about
themselves and who they are for years. Part of it having to do with a
level of shame, or self-loathing, or both. Part of it having to do with
liking to lie to other people and lead them on. As a friend, I put up
with that lying, and self-loathing because it’s part of the charm of
why I like them as a friend, but ultimately through my influence or
from simply being my friend and seeing that lies and shading simply
don’t work, they either stop self-loathing and shading, trying to
manipulate me, or simply move on from my life never to be seen or heard
from again.


The
second part was ultimately my trying to motivate you to get around
whatever the hell that control issue was about you controlling
precisely how I was going to meet you, and get to learn the extent of
your speech impediment. I brought it up because I thought that if that
didn’t motivate you into breaking the hell away from how you were going
to control my meeting you — then nothing will. Apparently I was wrong
in that, and you still didn’t let go of your control pick up the damned
phone and simply say, "Hello Michael" on the phone. So this is part of
the reason why we’re where we are at the present time.


I guess what I really want to know from you is this:

1. Why did you tell me I could trust you?

Understand
that I’m not like any other human being that you’ve ever met in your
life. I’m not going to cancel a friendship or the possibility of a
blooming relationship with you because of a physical disability, or a
physical handicap when I learned over the past three years (first year
casually, the next two not so casually), that underneath is an
expressive human being surmounting that issue whenever possible.
(However, I will cancel the two based on something else, but I’ll
answer that in question 3 or 4).


I
needed an assurance of trust before jumping blind. In the past, that
assurance has been given freely simply because the someone that I’m
planning on meeting as I was going to do with you, would’ve simply
picked up the phone, given me a call, and simply said "hey" or
confirmed all of the arrangements that have been bounced back and forth
in e-mail. You had been an exception, and I wasn’t liking that
exception in the least. I didn’t understand the issue, and knowing what
I knew putting myself into your position on it, I didn’t see why you
were making such a big bloody fuss about it.


2. Why did you purchase a train ticket to NYC and then not use it?

Frankly
this issue is none of your concern what happened with that ticket,
however I’ll answer it for the sake of it. I had been a traveling
business man for years. Just because the trip had been cancelled
doesn’t mean that it’s $xxx.xx wasted. Non-refundable tickets are not
non-exchangeable. I could always use the tickets, barring penalties to
apply it to another trip at another time. The time to exchange them and
pay penalties on such an exchange varies from 6 months to 2 years,
depending on the service used. In this case it’s 6 months. Which is
what I’m planning to do in a couple of months.


3.
Why for two years did you play the role of intellectual? Of sensitive
listener? Of kind-hearted compassionate friend?…..Only to turn into a
cold-hearted, mean individual when it counted the most? Were you trying
to shut your heart down to protect yourself?


Because
Seth — things change. This wasn’t just simply a friendship. This was
rapidly turning into an affair of the heart. This was going into
territory that even the closest of friends doesn’t normally go — into
the heart of hearts. While I share my thoughts, and I share my passions
with the closest of friends, I don’t normally share the innermost
workings of my heart with them. Like it or not — but this is how I
operate. When I start attaching personal feelings for someone — then I
start getting more and more personal.


And
it’s not as though I hadn’t been seeing changes within you about this
as well. You had been reacting differently because even you knew you
were reciprocating certain elements about yourself that you wouldn’t do
with a friend.


The last question (about self-protection) will be answered with the next question.

4.
What did I do to you to make you dislike me so much? (I didn’t call
you. That is all I am aware of doing. Do you even comprehend why I
didn’t call you…or do you still believe it was a control issue?)


Dislike?
It’s not an issue of like/dislike. It’s an issue of what you had done
when confronted with this being a control issue. Instead of admitting
it, you turned it all around on me calling it all my control issues.
You had done it in a way that reminded me all too much of what I used
to go through with Rick in avoiding either self-inflection, or
self-admission — you had made it into it being my issue without once
admitting that the issue was also yours.


That’s
right you had trounced across one of my issues by turning it around on
me. Four years I went through that. Four years of hatred and anger from
Rick and everything that was happening in his life, right down to him
being gay was blamed on me… And four years of my thinking I was
strong enough and I could ride through it ’til he realized that perhaps
it wasn’t my fault, has taught me how wrong it is for me to have stayed
in that relationship as long as I had.


So
at the end of a year’s worth of therapy, I had made a promise that if I
were to start falling for another human being and finding myself in a
similar position of it, bail immediately. Get out. I’m not going to put
myself back into any box of a relationship where my partner (or partner
to be) is going to turn everything around on me the instant it’s point
out that it’s not all just my issue. I’m not going to be the target of
anyone else’s self-loathing and self-hatred and being their punching
bag (emotionally or physically) whenever they can’t own up to their
part of the issue.


I am so utterly confused.

I
really am making life progress. I am. So this blow of yours has hit me
hard. Perhaps I am too self-reflective. But what I want to hear from
you is why did you blame me for ruining our meeting?


Blame?
You’ve been reading my blogs huh? I blame you for not owning up,
sucking it up, growing a set against your own better or worst natures,
picking up the goddamn phone and saying hey to me.


I
don’t blame anyone for being self-reflective. You’re talking to the
most self-reflective human being on the face of the earth. Who’s
mastered that art since he was old enough to understand words enough to
be self-reflective. Who’s been accused by friend, foe, ex, and former
boyfriends alike of even being self-expressive, that the still water is
a much deeper pool (although I admit the ex’s usually have something
less poetic to say about my self-reflective nature)


I was there, you know…birthday present in hand…staring at faces from 10:30 until 11:40. Why weren’t you there?

My
apologies for not making it bluntfully or blatantly clear to you that
two days prior to be getting onto a train the day my birthday to
continue in a blind leap of faith to head to New York. I was in no mood
to make a trip and have a continuation of whatever lectures, debates,
disagreements or outright arguments that were unresolved that Thursday.
Done a trip like that once… It wasn’t pretty, and I didn’t want to
have a repeat performance of that sort of trip.

[snipped]

So,
why didn’t you go and why did you blame it all on me? I want to know
why. I really need to know why. If nothing else, I want to learn from
this.


Answered already above.. Hope this helps….

Always,
Michael Andrew

—–  His response

Michael,

Thank you for taking the time to read the email and send feedback.

The feedback is well-enough. You dont need a reply from me, nor did you ask for one. I just wanted you to know some things.

I
was never intentionally trouncing on any issue of yours. I never turned
anything around on you and made anything your fault. I just disagreed
with you and was frustrated and angry that you seemed to refuse to see
the situation as anything different from what you initially perceived
it to be. Even in this feedback, you hold fiercely to the idea that I
made a big fuss about the simple aspect of a phone call. There is not
anything simple about it. You dont either believe that or comprehend
that, but my trying to explain that to you is my right. And there was a
time that you would have tried to understand it. I will stop there. No
sense getting into it again, but if you do two minutes of research, you
will see that phone conversations are next to impossible for me.

I dont loathe myself.
I was more honest with you than you seem to be aware of.
I wish you had gotten on the train that day.
I
havent read your blog since that unhinged guy showed up in it. But
other people do read it. As long as you continue to use my name, there
will be guys making sure I know about it. That is not your issue. It is
mine. I have already made it clear that Im not interested in the
information. But thats how I knew you didnt go that day and that you
blamed me for my behavior.

Im not ashamed of anything I have done here with you. I just think with more patience it could have ended differently.
I too wish you well.


Again, I appreciate your taking the time to reply. Take care.
Seth

—–  My response

Please see comments below…

—– Original Message —–
From: Seth
Sent: Monday, July 31, 2006 1:45 AM
Subject: RE: Questions, answers, issues and controls (was: Re: Just read it before u delete it.)

I
was never intentionally trouncing on any issue of yours. I never turned
anything around on you and made anything your fault. I just disagreed
with you and was frustrated and angry that you seemed to refuse to see
the situation as anything different from what you initially perceived
it to be.


Contrary
to most people’s popular beliefs, I saw the issue clearly enough. More
oftentimes than naught, I catch onto things that most people seems to
miss or people think that I’m missing, particularly when it comes to
self. People have this lovely ability towards self-delusion;
particularly when it comes to how they want to perceive themselves, or
even their situation rather than how other people see them. Lord knows,
I catch myself in those self-built delusions, and sometimes it takes
the perspective of someone else for me to realize it.


You
had once said that when I mirror things back at you, it seems that
they’re not the way you thought them to be. When it came to most
everything else, you saw them to be silly, or trivial, or even stupid
(I believe the word to be at one point or something similar). When it
came to this though, you refused to see it as such. And it left me
asking, "why is that?" But the answer I routinely get to such attitudes
is usually because someone has had this deeply rooted concept that this
is the way it has always been, rather than seeing it as something that
can be…


Even in this feedback, you hold fiercely to the idea that I made a big fuss about the simple aspect of a phone call.

You
might not be making quite a "fuss" about it; but at the same time —
the opposite is also not true that it’s a trivial thing either. You
simply won’t do it. But I’m going to assume that you’re trying to imply
it’s trivial. In which case, I’m going to wager that it is in fact,
quite a big deal with you. An issue of some contention with you even to
this day. You should still have my number, Seth. If it’s not a big
fuss, pick up the phone and give me a call. Here, I’ll even give you
the number: (401) xxx-xxxx. I’ll be home most of the day today, after
10:00 PM tomorrow, 9 PM on Friday, and hither and yon on the weekend
(as it’s my weekend off).


I’m
going to wager that you’re not going to (call) still. I’m going to
wager, you’ll come up with a million reasons or excuses of why you
won’t or shouldn’t do it, instead of finding just one reason why you
should.


There
is not anything simple about it. You dont either believe that or
comprehend that, but my trying to explain that to you is my right. And
there was a time that you would have tried to understand it. I will
stop there. No sense getting into it again, but if you do two minutes
of research, you will see that phone conversations are next to
impossible for me.


Sure
it is… Complexity/Simplicity are states of mind, as I’ve explained it
to you. Hell, I know when I’m having one of my famed dramatic moments,
I’m doing it because I refuse to make it as simple as it truly is. I
prefer to make it look as though it’s so complex, the unraveling of it
would cause the very fabric of time and space to fall into the pits of
entropy if I were to even remotely try. Which is precisely what you’re
doing when it comes to picking up the phone and making that call. But
the next bulletpoint’s an interesting one, which I’ll cover upon with a
famed lecture…


I dont loathe myself.

The
one question I have about this red herring that I’m gonna have a grand
time with is, "who are you trying to convince? Me? or Yourself?"


But
no, I wouldn’t say you "loathe" yourself. In my never even remotely
humble opinion on self-loathing is, you do something far worse. You
allow yourself and your perspectives to be formed and controlled by
others. It makes the self-loathing easier to manage because you create
for yourself walls and boundaries which you don’t have to get near to,
or cross in order to find out whether there is any self-loathing going
on… And that in and of itself is a form of self-loathing too.


You
do it when you allow ‘friends’ to do your dirty work and reading my
blog, instead of doing it yourself, and understanding it from your own
perspective.


You do it when you were faced with the accusation of being 12, 70, a woman or any two of the above.

You
do it by allowing yourself to be hurt by the shallowness of folk,
instead of realizing that the shallowness is their issue, not yours.
Sure their shit can hurt sometimes, because you were expecting more of
folk.


I was more honest with you than you seem to be aware of.

Again,
you’re assuming that I didn’t see it, and didn’t think the cowardice I
was seeing from you unbecoming with someone with enough bravery to
actually jump out of a plane at 5,000 or so feet. Life and death is an
easy thing to do, but dealing with people is so bloody difficult? Isn’t
this, in essence, making mountains out of molehills, like you’re
implying I did about this issue with the phone call? I would say, yes.


I wish you had gotten on the train that day.

I
wished you had picked up the phone, proved me wrong that you weren’t a
coward. But then we all don’t get our wishes, now do we?


Im not ashamed of anything I have done here with you. I just think with more patience it could have ended differently.

Physician, heed thy own advice.

—–  His final word

No comment is needed.

Now you can whoop and whistle and celebrate your victory. I guess you really do know how to tell off a guy. Congrats to you…

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