Home > Uncategorized > Entry 08/25/2006 11:00:17 AM – Mentat 289

Entry 08/25/2006 11:00:17 AM – Mentat 289

08/26/2006

     The drama continues… Apparently someone is also trying to get the last word in something as well.

—- A week later

From: Seth
Sent: Tuesday, August 08, 2006 6:13 PM

If it is true that you have printed my emails word for word in your blog, I request that you remove them. I wrote to YOU, not to the world. I wrote to you because I wanted to try to change the result of our last interaction. Once you responded to me, I knew it was wrong of me to write, but I never knew you would be this callous. I now accept that we cannot save our friendship, but you do not have to embarrass me. If I wanted my words broadcast to the universe, I could have done that myself. I hope you will think twice about the benefit you receive from posting my emails and decide it isn’t worth it. If you choose to keep them there, so be it. I will have to find a way to deal.

I never expected this…

—- My response

To: Seth
Sent: Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:46 PM
Subject: Re: Callous and other works of peace and war

What an interesting piece of work this e-mail ending up in my inbox this evening. I’m being callous you say? What do you call this (below)? Not the teensy bit callous or hateful is it? Not in the least bit lashing out is it? Filled with understanding and compassion is it?

 

—– Original Message —–

From: Seth
Sent: Wednesday, August 02, 2006 7:10 PM
Subject: Re: Questions, answers, issues and controls (was: Re: Just read it before u delete it.)

No comment is needed.

Now you can whoop and whistle and celebrate your victory. I guess you really do know how to tell off a guy. Congrats to you…

—– Original Message —–

From: Seth
Sent: Tuesday, August 08, 2006 6:13 PM

If it is true that you have printed my emails word for word in your blog, I request that you remove them. I wrote to YOU, not to the world.

That’s the thing about Blogs Seth… They’re awfully convenient when it comes to listening to the inner workings of a person; but the instant that other people’s actions or activities effect that person and get talked about, it suddenly becomes inconvenient, scandalous, or some bizarre breach of privacy or confidentiality or abuse.

Quite simply Seth — you can’t have it both ways.. Your actions and your activities have effected me, and the instant you lashed out that way — well then, I needed to talk about it…

I wrote to you because I wanted to try to change the result of our last interaction. Once you responded to me, I knew it was wrong of me to write, but I never knew you would be this callous.

Really… And what about the piece of work you last sent? That just reeks of compassion does it? That just demonstrates the clear want to "change the results of our last interaction" does it?

I now accept that we cannot save our friendship, but you do not have to embarrass me.

Seth, Seth, Seth. You embarrassed yourself. You embarrassed yourself by the second e-mail when you sat there using this false sense of pride trying to get up on some higher ground by saying that you weren’t to blame for the actions that have come to pass; that all that happened was external and out of your control. That the issue was really just so small — and yet the instant it was proven just how massive the problem is — you lashed out for being proven wrong.

Your inner demons – be those fears or issues — along with my own were the cause of what had come to pass. Don’t try to lay guilt either on yourself or me as though we cannot save anything… That’s quite frankly a useless gesture, because if you had any intention of saving anything, you wouldn’t’ve let your pride get in the way.

If I wanted my words broadcast to the universe, I could have done that myself. I hope you will think twice about the benefit you receive from posting my emails and decide it isn’t worth it. If you choose to keep them there, so be it. I will have to find a way to deal.

Threats now? Intriguing and yet terribly sad. Too bad I’ve looked into it already. Anything that could be considered personal information has been removed right down to e-mail headers and anything that could be uniquely identifying to you personally. It just reads the name Seth, and there are at least three Seths I know now off the top of my head, and one of them (besides you) actually lives in New York. Feel free to report and demonstrate just how much brave you are. How unembarrassed you are of your actions.

I never expected this…

First of all, get off your cross, other people need the wood.. Second of all, Seth… Live with the sins of rash actions. I do each and every time I do anything rash. And don’t think you can get on some high horse with me or any other human being for that matter and pull this false pride act in an effort to blaming the world for not giving in to the way you handle your own fears or issues. False pride only leads to disastrous results. Believe me.. Been there as well.

 

You really can’t control what other people say, or think about you. You can’t even control the way they take your words and post them or talk about them among peers or even the world. Ultimately, the only thing that you can control is the way you act and react to those around you. Do so with compassion. Failing that, do so with equity.

Did you act with compassion or equity in this? I would say no. Because you wouldn’t embarrassed or scandalized by a verbatim account of the two days worth of e-mail, and you wouldn’t be making veiled threats about taking "action". This rather interesting missive, coupled with the previous "no comment needed" e-mail is reinforcing that you’re not as honest a person as you think you are or want others to think you are, and instead wanting to hide the plain and simple fact what when you’re back up against the wall of your own making — you lash out. Not quite the image one would want cultivated when trying to prove just how "victimized" you are by your disability, now does it?

— His response

From: Seth
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 2:50 PM

Michael,

I apologize for sending you that celebration reply. I am sorry if you felt disrespected by it. I was wrong to send it. It was reactive and immature of me. I’d take it back if I could.

I did try to understand all you were saying. I still try to understand it. But by understanding all you say, you have created a situation where I have to accept that I am a liar and a coward. Right now, I have trouble accepting that. Maybe I do lie to myself at times and maybe I am hiding in ways that make me a coward, but it isn’t something I can be proud of or even something I am comfortable with or even something I completely am. So I reacted.

When a dog attacks, he gets a reaction. When you write to me the way you do, you get a reaction.

It does feel to me like you are celebrating raking me over the coals. It does feel like you write to me with a smirk on your face. It feels like you are enjoying every moment of winning in this battle of words. I can’t help but remember you telling me how people end up in a fetal position when you debate with them…and it really does feel like that is what you are trying to do to me. And that is why it feels like you are celebrating your word-smith victory whenever you write to me.

You don’t listen, Michael. You twist things around. A tiny example of that is the very simple information I told you about how I knew you mentioned me in your blog. I simply told you that I had not read your blog but as long as you mention me by name, there will be people who make sure I know about it.

After that, what did you say to me? You accused me of allowing my friends to do my own dirty work. How did my friends or the concept of dirty work get involved here? You never for one moment thought that it might be guys I don’t talk to or email or even have on messenger making sure I knew I was being talked about. You know as well as I do that guys in m4m love to entangle themselves in gossip. But when you read what I wrote, you twisted it to mean I invited my friends to do my own dirty work. That isn’t something I ever communicated to you. You also criticized me for not reading your Blogs myself and trying to understand it on my own. You never once thought it could be as simple as I no longer have you on messenger so I no longer have access to your profile/blog and that is why I wasn’t reading the entries myself.

You put me down for something as simple as gossip I didn’t invite or control and for Blogs I didn’t have access to read. Imagine then how it feels when you put me down for mistakes I actually make or for the weaknesses that actually exist inside myself.

It feels like you write to get me to react. You even admitted that to me in terms of the female accusation. It all seems to give you an adrenalin rush. And you get that rush on the back of my emotions, my heart, and my struggling existence as a human being in this world.

Maybe I am very wrong with this interpretation. If I am mistaken, I apologize. I’m just telling you how it feels.

As for my ideas concerning email privacy, I have always respected the written word. I have never been one to copy and paste messenger conversations and share them with others. I do not forward personal emails that were sent to me and share them with others. I just don’t do it.

I never once asked you to stop mentioning me in your blog. It is your right to talk about whatever you want to talk about there. I just honestly feel a boundary line was crossed when my own private words to you were shared with the world. I would never share your words to me with anyone else. I would not have an issue if you had used your own words to describe my emails, but I do feel it was inappropriate to copy and paste my own words up there for all to see. It is a simple matter of trust and respect. If you respected me, you would not have displayed my private thoughts for others to read and when I wrote them to you, I trusted that they would be seen only by you.

When I asked you to remove them, I was not threatening you, Michael. There is nothing in my words to give evidence of a threat. I was just saying if I had wanted to I also could have shared our emails with people, and I have not. There are some guys from m4m, ones I consider my friends, and I had talked to them about you and about all the excitement I had about meeting you, but as soon as things turned bad, I did not try to hurt you by sharing your words with them. I would never do that to you. I have respected your decision not to continue our friendship and have never said a bad word about you to anybody. I think I deserve the same courtesy.

I also never said I was ready to take "action". I told you I would appreciate you removing my words, but I also told you that if you didn’t, I would have to find a way to accept it. That is not a threat. I do not understand how you interpreted it as such.

I really cannot hang out here in this place of extreme criticism any longer. I don’t have the gut for it. Everything I say to you is somehow twisted and returned to me with judgments and accusations. I have really tried hard to hang onto the memory of the sincere emotions and trust I held for you. I have tried to hold onto the knowledge that you were someone I shared things with. Someone I laughed with. Someone I felt encouraged by. Someone I really admired and respected. I have tried to stay open…but no matter what I write to you…I end up being the jerk. I end up being someone I know I am not.

I admit at times I can act like a jerk. I know I have huge insecurities and now I even accept that at times I can be prideful and cowardly. But I really don’t have to be reminded of it over and over and over. Nobody does. And it certainly should not be the reason I have to endure being ridiculed. I just hope that one day you can think of my words and see the sincerity that lies within them. It is with sincerity that they are written and with hope that they are sent. Nothing more.

Writing all of this is futile. I fear that as before you will somehow find fault in every word and fault in every line. Have you ever been involved in a game you know you can’t win? I am in that position with you.

Seth

— My Response

—– Original Message —–
To: Seth
Sent: Thursday, August 17, 2006 8:56 AM
Subject: A lesson in people and language use (WAS: Re: )

Seth —

Please see my comments below…

—– Original Message —–

From: Seth
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 2:50 PM

Michael,

I apologize for sending you that celebration reply. I am sorry if you felt disrespected by it. I was wrong to send it. It was reactive and immature of me. I’d take it back if I could.

Apology accepted. For the record I didn’t feel disrespected by it. Very few people’s words or even actions I find disrespectful towards me outside of a work environment. People are going to be invariably people, and the way that they act or react will be based on the way they were brought up, were taught, or had learned. This is how I learn their boundaries and how well those boundaries mesh with my own.

As I had said in that entry regarding the e-mail postings — I was disappointed by your actions and your words. I was also disappointed in the manner which you had allowed your friends to influence you into the actions that you had taken. But more on that and why I deem it dirty work to follow.

I did try to understand all you were saying. I still try to understand it. But by understanding all you say, you have created a situation where I have to accept that I am a liar and a coward. Right now, I have trouble accepting that.

Umm… Just because someone (like me in this instance) has put forward a perspective on what they see in your actions, doesn’t mean that you have to accept it and wear it as a mantle. It just means that this is what they’re seeing. And if it’s said in truth – then perhaps it’s their truth. It’s then up to you whether it’s a truth that can be applied to yourself or not.

Conversation for example is the discourse between two (or more) people. It is the expression of experience, and a dialog in perspectives. It’s sometimes a manner for people to discover boundaries, or make new boundaries. Sometimes the perspectives and experiences are similar in those two people and common ground is established. If there’s opposing views, then it also creates a common ground, in mutual respect and perhaps a little understanding in the differences between those two people.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

Maybe I do lie to myself at times and maybe I am hiding in ways that make me a coward, but it isn’t something I can be proud of or even something I am comfortable with or even something I completely am. So I reacted.

You had reacted in pride. Something I found unacceptable in the situation. Pride is not an emotion that should be introduced in any affair of the heart. Or between two people calling themselves friend and wanting a deeper friendship. It should have been left at the door. I’m not talking about the pride that comes from a job well done, or doing the right thing. I’m talking about the foolish pride that comes from saying such things as, "well, I’ve got my dignity to consider" or something along the line. Pride shouldn’t be used as a shield to protect shame. Doing so only creates situations such as these.

Same with shame. Shame is something to be expressed as a form of honesty, and an understanding that this is a failure in one’s life not hidden away, protected… doing so also causes foolish actions and reactions.

When a dog attacks, he gets a reaction. When you write to me the way you do, you get a reaction.

That’s fine… You reacted. Sometimes it brings out the angel of the situation, sometimes the devil. Sometimes both… Sometimes neither… A man’s actions and character are often defined by the means for which he rises above the adversity both in the situation and his own worse nature. React poorly, and folk will react to it accordingly.

It does feel to me like you are celebrating raking me over the coals. It does feel like you write to me with a smirk on your face. It feels like you are enjoying every moment of winning in this battle of words. I can’t help but remember you telling me how people end up in a fetal position when you debate with them…and it really does feel like that is what you are trying to do to me. And that is why it feels like you are celebrating your word-smith victory whenever you write to me.

 

As I said before; when it comes to casual people that try get the best of me, when they try to lie pathologically and I catch them at it, and then turn around and react trying to cover up the sham that they are, I admit that I take savage glee when it comes to taking them down. Sometimes there’s an adrenaline rush to it, as you describe it below, when it comes to getting the better of folk that I know casually and they realize they’re out of their league and either slither off, or continue fighting in that prideful pigheaded manner because they don’t have the sense god gave a slug to slither away and nurse their wounds.

When it comes to doing the same with someone I’ve known for a longer amount of time, and especially if I have called them friend, I find no pleasure in it whatsoever. It’s a serious piece of work for me. And while there may be acts of adrenaline in my actions, it’s a side effect of having to gear up (or in some cases torque up) in order to think quickly to deal with the situation.

Don’t get me wrong though… That doesn’t mean that when a friend, loved one, or significant other is acting like a pig-headed ass, lying, or trying to make themselves out to being something they’re not, they’re going to get preferred treatment and the words are going to be softened for them to take the pill of their actions any easier. As I had hinted at when I had said, "…you can’t have it both ways…" I work in only one way: my way. And I find it terribly easy and perhaps even more than a little convenient to act in this one way across the board be it with friends, as I do with adversaries.

In this, people who have known me for years; realize — this is how I am equitable, and caring. Because I don’t spare people; friend or foe. Of my thoughts, my consideration, my caring, my condemnation, my recriminations, or my counsel.

You don’t listen, Michael. You twist things around. A tiny example of that is the very simple information I told you about how I knew you mentioned me in your blog.

Seth — you’re going to find that people don’t interpret the words you put forth in precisely the manner you want them to. They are going to do so based on their experience and their filters. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not listening, or that their "twisting things around…" It means they’re seeing it in a manner that you don’t find consistent with what you are expressing or trying to express. Get used to it, and make the appropriate adjustments in order to understand what they’re seeing, and meshing it with what you’re trying to convey. But don’t control the situation by turning it around and saying that they’re not listening to what you’re saying because their interpretation doesn’t fit into the square or round hole you think it should fit into.

After that, what did you say to me? You accused me of allowing my friends to do my own dirty work. How did my friends or the concept of dirty work get involved here?

Allow me to make it clear to you what I mean when I say, you’re using your friends to do your dirty work. In spite of what you tell me about telling these "friends" to simply stop telling you what I’m saying about you, or in this case doing, you continue to react and act from their filtering. In spite of any requests or even pleads to stop them from telling you, you continue to use them to find out what’s going on an acting based on the filtering that they give you.

Did these friends tell you that I took a direct shot at them as well? I bet you they didn’t. I bet they ignored the entire part of me calling ’em out with the simple line, "no more lying friends… wanting tragic ends…" because I didn’t name them out. I just named you in it.

You never for one moment thought that it might be guys I don’t talk to or email or even have on messenger making sure I knew I was being talked about. You know as well as I do that guys in m4m love to entangle themselves in gossip.

Tell me something Seth. Why is it that no one does the same with me when people talk about me in their Blogs, hmmm? Because when I’ve told them once, I don’t want to hear it, they listen. Why is it that they won’t listen to you when you’ve asked them? Am I that strong that they know when I say no, I mean no; or are you that weak that people don’t respect you, or your wishes and tell you anyway?

I’ll tell you based what I’ve been seeing of the things you say and act. You’re a drama queen Seth. You’re the worst possible kind of drama queen to boot. You deny up one side and down the other that you despise drama and that you have no place for it in your life, but the instant that something like this happens… The instant your friends tell you (and I’m paraphrasing here), "You should see what that bitch Merrick just said in his blog with you and your e-mails…." there you are writing an e-mail retaliation.

But when you read what I wrote, you twisted it to mean I invited my friends to do my own dirty work. That isn’t something I ever communicated to you. You also criticized me for not reading your Blogs myself and trying to understand it on my own. You never once thought it could be as simple as I no longer have you on messenger so I no longer have access to your profile/blog and that is why I wasn’t reading the entries myself.

Am I seeing excuses here trying to justify what? It’s not as though my blog out there on the net is that hard to find… http://spaces.msn.com/mbaldelli… It’s not as though you can’t say to those "friends" of yours, "…what’s the URL again?" But then in asking, that would mean that you’re admitting to the plain and simple fact that you’re being a drama queen and it would tatter that passive request of yours to make them stop telling you about what I’m doing.

You put me down for something as simple as gossip I didn’t invite or control and for Blogs I didn’t have access to read. Imagine then how it feels when you put me down for mistakes I actually make or for the weaknesses that actually exist inside myself.

They don’t? Tell me something… What’s worse in your book — knowing that you have faults that you have to focus on? Or finding out you have faults you didn’t know existed and others are seeing them clearly as roadmaps?

It feels like you write to get me to react. You even admitted that to me in terms of the female accusation. It all seems to give you an adrenalin rush. And you get that rush on the back of my emotions, my heart, and my struggling existence as a human being in this world.

I admitted that I took a calculated risk in bringing up an accusation that I was (and still am) beginning to feel as valid (either a pre-teen, or a woman, or an old man) because you wouldn’t pick up a phone, call me and "hey Michael" to me.

I admitted that I had insecurities (fears was the precise word I had used) about the fact that you hadn’t picked up the phone to call me, and that I didn’t like the fact that you were controlling precisely how we were going to meet.

The bottom line is Seth — when you had said to me (and I’m paraphrasing here), "had I not had this impediment, we would’ve probably picked up the phone and been talking months ago…" I thought at that moment, it’s time to take the next step. That in taking that step, it’s time for you to realize there are people that aren’t going to judge you based on your speech impediment. But when you wouldn’t — I realized fear was dictating your actions, and urged you not to give in to those fears. I allowed you some of your time to work up the necessary courage and do it — pick up that phone.


At one point, I sensed you came terribly close to it. But you chickened out. And you continued to chicken out. When I told you I had fears, and that you did nothing to placate those fears, I began to think you had something to hide. And the more that I pushed, and the more that you had refused, I began to realize it was more than just shame in that impediment. And that’s when this spiraled in the way it had.


Maybe I am very wrong with this interpretation. If I am mistaken, I apologize. I’m just telling you how it feels.


I don’t invalidate your feelings. But at the same time, I did tell you that I was a storm.


As for my ideas concerning email privacy, I have always respected the written word. I have never been one to copy and paste messenger conversations and share them with others. I do not forward personal emails that were sent to me and share them with others. I just don’t do it.

I never once asked you to stop mentioning me in your blog. It is your right to talk about whatever you want to talk about there. I just honestly feel a boundary line was crossed when my own private words to you were shared with the world. I would never share your words to me with anyone else. I would not have an issue if you had used your own words to describe my emails, but I do feel it was inappropriate to copy and paste my own words up there for all to see. It is a simple matter of trust and respect. If you respected me, you would not have displayed my private thoughts for others to read and when I wrote them to you, I trusted that they would be seen only by you.


Ummm… Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you just accuse me of not listening and accused me of "twisting words"? Have you not implied the same in the other e-mail when I blamed you for the way things had gone and I didn’t go to NYC? Wouldn’t you think that it would be in your best interest in this that I keep the e-mails intact and in their entirety so that I don’t "twist words" and prove that I "don’t listen"?


When I asked you to remove them, I was not threatening you, Michael. There is nothing in my words to give evidence of a threat. I was just saying if I had wanted to I also could have shared our emails with people, and I have not.


Read that e-mail of yours again. The word was deal.. Not accept… Deal while can be used in a manner consistent with "accepting" and also be used in a manner that implies a threat to take action. That is, to deal [with it].


You have this rather annoying habit of using words in a prideful manner that can in fact imply a passive-aggressive threat. And you often don’t realize what you’ve said and how you’ve said it.. And only then you realize that you need to reiterate.


[quite some snippage]

 

That’s fine Seth — do what you feel necessary. But the question I have is — if you don’t have the strength for this — why do you keep trying?

Writing all of this is futile. I fear that as before you will somehow find fault in every word and fault in every line. Have you ever been involved in a game you know you can’t win? I am in that position with you.

And therein lies the problem Seth — you’re assuming that I’m out to win. I’m not. I’m out to understand. Nothing more, nothing less.

— His Final Word

 

From: Seth
Sent: Thursday, August 17, 2006 5:45 PM

Michael,

It’s time to end this. We really aren’t getting anywhere with it.


You deserve one explanation though. I will keep it short…


That’s fine Seth — do what you feel necessary. But the question I have is — if you don’t have the strength for this — why do you keep trying?


I tried because I considered you a friend. True friends are few and far between. So, I tried. I was dissatisfied with how things ended back in June. I actually thought you would be too. I thought possibly that after a cooling off period, there might be some small hope of repair. That’s why I kept trying. I thought our friendship was worth the attempt.


I can’t do what you did. Maybe it is easier to call me a name, assume I have lied to you all these years. Maybe that creates a great distance and makes it easy to wash your hands of it all. I actually don’t really believe that you have been able to do that, but then I have always been naive.


Bye.


     I admit that I seriously thought about some word to his final e-mail. But the more that I look at it, the more that I realize that this is nothing more than more emotional manipulation. Quite a lot of emotional manipulation had gone on in some of those e-mails. The kind of emotional manipulations I used to catch routinely when I lived with Rick. And definitely not the kind of things that I would want to go through…

     Anyway — This is the end of this chapter…  I’ve got a quick run out for a couple of things, and then it’s a write out for the week.  This one was sitting about for a bit while I was transitioning back to my own computer.  

     Until the next time…

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