Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/04/2006 10:58:34 AM – Mentat 291

Entry 09/04/2006 10:58:34 AM – Mentat 291


      It’s been about a week since I’ve sat down
and written my last journal entry. Quite
a lot has happened since the last time I’ve sat down and written, although I
admit that I’ve been having quite a hell of a time trying to get it out of my
head and onto my journal, without it sounding either incredibly banal, dull,
maudlin or insipid. Not to mention that
I’ve had made several attempts to sit down and write a little about the
feelings that I had going through me at the time after my last journal entry
that I had promised I would sit down and examine — but ended up giving up
because I couldn’t pin down my feelings in a way consistent with
non-discriminating self-inspection. I
admit that I came close to getting in the right frame of mind for a short time,
but I couldn’t keep to it because as usual, I was too easy to distract, and
ended up wanting to run errands, instead of being self-inspective. Now that it’s Labor Day, and not quite
officially the end of Summer here in New England — I’m still finding myself
not quite able to sit down and write in a manner consistent with
self-inspection. Although as usual, I’m
able to talk about some of the events that have gone on since the last journal
     Cricket’s made the transition rather well
to New England, although in her usual dramatic flair — she’s been trying to be
top of the heap here. My uncle and I had
a head butt of epic proportions on this Saturday morning because my cat was
apparently stalking Tigger, and he didn’t appreciate it in the least. I had tried to explain to him that the three
of them are going to have to work out amongst themselves who is going to be
alpha in the house, but of course, because the man thinks he knows-it-all — in
spite of my having raised cats since I was 15 — and when he raised his voice
at me, in that "I’m the authority of the house and I know it all – end of
story" sort of way I raised mine back.
He of course, threw a hell of a tantrum about it storming out of my
face, and then screaming at my aunt that it was his house and he wouldn’t have
it, before storming out of the house altogether.
     Likewise, because I was supposed to be
leaving the house because I had plans to meet a few folk at Reflections, I
stormed out as well, but not without putting my cat in the basement because
heaven forbid, when he got home he would have to throw yet another temper
tantrum that he didn’t have absolute control of the house. Not to mention that I had more than one
moment during the day that I had seriously contemplated going over to
Crossroads and getting myself checked in there…

      Later on in the day, as I was heading back
to pick up my cat so that I could get her into the carrier and perhaps get her
put up at a boarding house locally, I saw this man that I usually see wandering
about Kennedy Square, as well as Providence Place Mall, and remembered that he
also boarded there. Not exactly the
sanest man in the world; as I recall more than one instance on my way to work
weekday mornings, this middle-aged man would go randomly swinging at either
people moving about the plaza, or at imaginary things that only he could see
being one of those that boarded at Crossroads. I recall that he had been picked up, and
escorted out of Providence Place Mall, because he would loiter to excess
there. And given some of the other folk
that talk with me at the stop; or to and from Providence that are quite
colorful — I thought twice about wanting to return to that once again…
     So instead of confronting him some more on
this, I decided that the silent treatment towards him would be better. Not to mention that I’ve moved into the
basement with the cat, given that while my aunt says she would prefer me to
sleep upstairs, I told her that I wouldn’t be able to move the cat up in the
evening, given that they would then be fighting unsupervised between 11 PM and
6 AM when we’re asleep, and the fighting would be quite horrific if we were to
keep them split during the day.
     As I had said, I had gone out to
Reflections Café to meet BroncoJim and Fresh-Start-Again… Although there were supposed to be more
people, in the typical gay & lesbian way — greater than 20% didn’t show up
like they said they would. Quite the
story there about getting that meeting organized. For starters, Freshie was the organizer of
the soirée. But when the date came
closer to happening, he began talking about bailing/flaking on it because he
had family obligations and his boyfriend coming over. To add to the ire, he then started saying
something about not wanting to be a "third wheel" he was trying to
play yenta between me and Jim…
Please. Jim had admitted that he
was a Gemini (and one that shared his birthday the day before my own), and I
have maintained my belief that I will never in my life date a Gemini. Ever!

     Yeah, I know — seems rather petty, given
that I don’t actually believe most of the rudimentary astrological stuff most
people invest their beliefs in — but it’s just one of those sort of
commitments that I believe in given that I had grown up in a family of Geminis
and there’s no way in hell I want a repeat performance of that chaos. Call it just one of those sort of beliefs
that I stick to, out of tradition more than anything else.
     So, after riding Freshie for a good
portion of the night trying to drill into him that he’s the one organizing, so
he’s the one that should show up — and at least officiate a little. Not to mention that I warned him against
trying to play Yenta with me, given my luck with men in general — and
particularly when friends and acquaintances have made the attempt to hook me up
with someone…

     How do I describe Jim? Well, besides the usual "Nice Man",
and what not. I had wanted to get to
know him a little better, given that he had invited me to a family clambake,
and I wasn’t about to commit to something I knew no one at, and nothing about
the dynamics of the family he’s from.
Tried to get to know him better; but wasn’t in the right frame of mind
for it given the blow-out I had at home over my uncle and the cat. Ended up focusing more on what kind of storm
I can be rather than focusing on what I’m capable of being. Showed Jim Lookout Point on Congdon St, and a
few of the architecture of the neighborhood…
     On the way down we had stopped at Davol
Square because he said he had to go to the bathroom from all the coffee that he
wouldn’t be able to make it down to his sister’s place — but what it was
actually was code for him that he wanted to ditch me, and didn’t want to spend
any more time with me than he wanted to.
I would’ve more than likely accepted it at that, given that I knew flat
out I wasn’t going to be heading down to South County to go to the clambake
that he had invited me to (the distance, coupled with the difficulty of getting
there). But Jim had made a promise that
he would make his way back to Providence in a couple of hours; and wanted to
meet someplace easy to get to.
     I told him not to make that promise, given
that I felt strongly that it would mean that he would break it.

     So, I watched him drive off, and because
he made a promise, I felt obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which meant that I stayed in the
Metro-Providence area, checking out Federal Hill, and parts of the East Side,
until the appointed hour — and then waited at the Providence Place Food Court,
until well after 5:30 PM.

[Last Edited: 09/04/2006 04:13:32 PM]

      All right, so as I had said earlier before
I ran upstairs to watch Passions I waited there because the man gave his word
— even though I knew he wasn’t going to keep it in the least — because it was
the proper thing to do, and then headed home for the evening. At least the good thing that came out of his
lying and blowing me off was that I was no longer feeling obligated to say yes
to his invitation to the clambake…
     Interesting thing that… Holding myself to someone else’s promise —
in spite of the fact that he wasn’t going to keep it — was relatively easy. When Jim had hugged me and left to visit with
his aunt — I thought that it was going to be quite a chore, given that it
would leave me to my own devices and have to reflect on the bullshit that I had
gone through with my cat and my uncle this morning, but as the time wore on, I
found myself more interesting in understanding what was going on around me (in
spite of the fact that while observing the world around me, I was listening to
my own music).
     What with the trade winds changing, the
temperature being slightly lower than normal for this time of year, and because
of the dampness of Ernesto blowing up the coast, it was rather amusing watching
people around here dressing as though Autumn had struck. Shorts were replaced with jeans, t-shirts
were replaced with long-shirts, sweatshirts, or even coats. You’d almost think that they were waiting for
the weather to cool so that they could try out the fall line that they had
bought back in July.

     Of course, it makes me all too keenly
aware of my age, given that many of them are between 20 – 35. Although…
God, it’s still pretty difficult for me to realize that I’m 5’9"
and feeling head and shoulders taller than most men ’round here.

[Last Edited: 09/04/2006 08:13:28 PM]

      Well, it looks as though this is going to
be one of those all-day sort of journal entries, where I’m going to sit and
write a little, and then wander off to do something else, then come back and
write a little more. Of course, all
that’s pretty much left to writing in this journal entry has to do with the
thing that I’ve been loathing to do since I first sat down almost 12 hours
ago… Self-inspection and
self-reflection. Although I did have a
brief chat with Keegan about this prior to my disappearing off to watch Passions for a little while, and it did give
me a moment’s reflection into one of the ongoing issues that I’ve been bouncing
back and forth on: dating and relationships.
     To be honest, I’m still going through the
"…piss or get off the pot…"
syndrome here. There are times when I
would love to give it a go, and yet more often times than naught, I find myself
wanting to avoid trying all together. I
admit that I still haven’t found anyone that would inspire me enough to want to
date, although there’s a moment or two here and there that it strikes me. Like tonight, as I was reading through the
various myspaces that people post in gay.com; one of them in the Waltham area
had really struck me as attractive; and endearing in a sort of want to get to
know more romantically sort of way.
Knowing my luck, he’s probably hunting after twenty-somethings like most
folk above thirty-five tend to do.

      Going to cut it here for the time
being. Off to destroy evil and what
not. Until the next time.

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