Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/11/2006 12:21:12 AM – Mentat 293

Entry 09/11/2006 12:21:12 AM – Mentat 293

09/11/2006

     God,
I’ve had such a desire to sit down and write an entry, but it’s been
hell trying to actually find the subject that I want to write about…  I could talk about some of the things that I’ve been thinking about since I’ve met and started chatting with Nick from PC.  I
could talk and think a little about some of the "Piss or get off the
pot" that I’ve been going through when it comes to dating and
relationship building.  I could even talk a little about what’s been going on within me since I’ve started the job at PC…  You know…  Hmmm…  They’re intermeshed really.  I should be surprised about it, but I’m not…  Especially considering that it’s involving my approach towards Nick, and the fond memories that talking to him stirs up.  

   So, what’s this all about, this Nick?  Well,
as I stated in the other journals, he’s one of the students at PC that
works the Help Desk part time (read: when he’s assigned and has the
time between courses).  One day as it was
particularly quiet, I had seen that he was reading through a book on
Morality and Christianity (one of the courses he had been taking).  He asked for a little help on trying to understand one of the reading assignments.  Sat down and read through some of it…  Seemed to have covered the difference between the Road of Excellence vs. the Road of Indifference.  While
I understood a little about what it was trying to cover, I did have
some problems trying to translate it from the Christian Doctrines it
was trying to play along, to something I could readily understand.  So, ultimately I ended up winging it based on the word choices, and debated the issue with Nick.
    
Ended up challenging Nick, because while he understood some
of the points that I was making, ultimately he ended up focusing more
on the literal translations within the book, complete with conclusions
towards the end of the reading assignment/chapter.  As
I had said in the last entry (292) — the more that I talked with him
— the more that I realized that all the studies that he had done in
ethics, morality, even spirituality/religion, was nothing more than
text book studies and not actual applying that which he learned to his
own life.  Which was pretty damned amazing, given
that I find it hard to believe that if he’s taken these things up, he
wouldn’t have tried applying it to himself to better understand self,
others and environment.  I tried engaging him a
little on continuing the discussion I had from that day to determine
whether he had any spirituality, religious upbringing, or even a little
morality from spiritual teachings, but all I did was end up getting
rote answers from book and internet, and not anything that he would
want to apply personally.
    
I was more than a little disheartened the next day, given
that I was hoping for a more engaging and personal conversation — but
all I ended up getting was a whole lot of shade and a whole lot of
non-answers that made me think, "has he thought about this, or is this
just the wrong environment to be trying to talk about this?"  Basically
at the end of the previous day’s conversation, I told him I wanted him
to think about what he had learned, and try to convince me with his own
words what he believed in.  What I ended up with that day as I said was rote and textbook responses.

      Friday,
when I was sitting there at work early, and Jim (my boss) decided on
going to lunch earlier than he usually did throughout the week, I got
the chance to be alone in the Help Desk with Nick.  I discussed the possible places I had seen Nick around…  Told
him that I had to disqualify seeing him through the parks and
recreations, considering that it was at least three years prior to his
birth.  And I had to disqualify the fact that it
couldn’t have been since the last time I was in the state, as that
would mean that he would’ve been seven years old at the time.
    
Heh, Nick thought that entirely possible, apparently
because of his passion for racing and model cars, but I know for a fact
that the seven years that he would’ve been a child, I wouldn’t have run
into him at all, being fully immersed in the gay community at the time,
not to mention that some of those years, I was in New York City as well.
    
Finally, I had to settle on two choices.  Either
I had seen him around Providence last school year during my wander
abouts (March through June, because after that, I would’ve been working
like a mad dog at Brooks/Eckerd), or the couple of times I had been out
to Club Energy for drinks I had seen him there.  Ended up sticking to the safer of the two, given that I was at work, and didn’t want to inadvertently out him in the process.  Turned
out that it was entirely possible that it was the former, given that he
had confirmed that he does quite a lot of wandering about the city last
year.
    
Then I noticed something while sitting there chatting with
him about the coincidences of the déjà vu that we had been mutually
feeling since we met in the office.  He was more animate.  Less formal in his responses.  Hell, his smile seemed more genuine and less forced than it had been the two days before.
    
It quickly changed though.  When his
Mathematics Teacher came in with a problem regarding
authentication/sign-in to Windows, you could literally see his defenses
go up, and his smile and attitudes becoming more perfunctory.  Nick
had to leave shortly after that, but returned briefly after class
before heading home (and out to one of the local raceways) for the
weekend. 

      Now to describe Nick…  I believe that Nick is in fact Latino.  He’s about the same height as I am, perhaps a little taller.  Average Weight, slightly on the heavier than required side.  Black hair.  Straight.  Most of the time he’s wearing some sort of baseball cap.  I
routinely remember seeing him through the week wearing a T-Shirt of the
website that I later found out was his — Yankee Racer (http://www.yankeeracer.com) of which proves just how intense his passion is for racing.  Hard to tell what the precise color is, his eyes are given that he wears are tinted rather dark.  Pretty sure they’re brown though, although there’s a slight possibility that they’re actually black.
    
There’s just one thing that catches my eye when I talk with him.  Seems that at the collar line of his shirt, he has this rather jagged scar.  Looks
as though it was only three stitches or so, but given the way it’s
changed shape and looks larger than it should be for three stitches
which leads me to believe that he got it when he was rather young. 

      I admit that I had been particularly smitten with him.  I
think it has to do with the fact that he’s rather outspoken when he
gets going, although it’s more of an introvert than the makings of an
extrovert, or someone opinionated.  I’ve been stuck in a quandary as to whether it would be ethically possible to speak with him outside of the school.  Of course, it’s all just a pipedream really..  Given
that he’s 22 years younger than me, and I’m more than sure given his
penchant for NASCAR and Auto-Racing he’s terribly and terminally
heterosexual.  But it’s nice to dream…  And I’ve done quite a bit of interesting day dreaming on it to boot.
    
Like what it would be like to kiss him.
    
Like what it would be like to be locked in an embrace with.
     Like what it would be like to be whispering mutual admiration to each other.
    
Like what it would be like for him to fall asleep in my arms (heh, I admit I rarely fall asleep in other people’s arms first). 

      Well that’s about it for the time being.  I think I’m going to call it a night, and head to bed.  Until the next time.

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