Home > Life or something like it > Entry 10/09/2006 11:41:05 AM – Mentat 298

Entry 10/09/2006 11:41:05 AM – Mentat 298

     As I was saying from the night before…  Had some interesting albeit sometimes frustrating chats with three folk this week that left me thinking a little bit about my life, the lack of an appreciable muse, and wondering whether I was going through another rut, a another bout of depression, or just not truly thankful of the way that things have been for me the last 7 (or so) months. 

     With my conversations John — I became all too well aware of my distrust and my apparent distaste of men my age, and dating in general.  On the one side, it’s nice to be able to talk with someone that attempts to read into things in order to better understand what someone’s saying to me.  Although I do admit that John has a habit of second-guessing what he’s trying to say and what he’s trying to convey more than actually reading into what I’m telling him.  Paid me a couple of compliments that he thought I would read into being hit on.  Fortunately for me though, I didn’t remotely look at them as such, just a man trying to pay compliments to someone that actually is appreciative of meeting a man that thinks with his head above the shoulders instead of the one below the belt. 
     Of course, thanks to these conversations with John — I’ve ended up having even more dreams about relationships, men, and dating than I have in the last month or so.  Even had one last night after writing my last journal entry.  While most of them are haunting but mostly forgettable, most of them have a reoccurring theme that involves my dating them, my having some fun times with them, and a little kissing, but always of them living in their own place, and my keeping to my own home when we’re not together.  Hell — the one over the weekend was sort of a shock — as I had dreamed of dating John Auclair — someone I haven’t seen in close to twenty three years; although I think I’ve heard the name fairly recently.  Don’t remember where or when — but it did come up someplace, although I think I was in Georgia when I heard the name last. 
     Can’t remember last night’s dream…  Although I can remember some of the fragments of the dream involving it being night time, walking into a house and up three sets of stairs to an apartment that the man I was dating lived, and walking in to find him not there at the time I was visiting. 

     Angel on the other hand is definitely going through some crazy assed shit.  I can’t even begin to cover some of the things that I’ve seen him saying in his blog, or in conversations with him, other than perhaps he tends to be a bit more aggressive and frustrated in his blogs than he’s been in conversations…  But both his blogs and his conversations have left me feeling just a little bit more thankful that my life isn’t quite as upside down as his.  Sure, it seems just a little bit selfish of me to be looking at the plight of someone and being thankful that it’s not me in that position, but at the same time, I’ve been trying to convince him to get his life in order and increase his self-worth in order to get those kind of folk trying to ruin his life out of his life, and getting himself into a better place. 
     I left him a somewhat inspiring comment on his blog last night, after feeling particularly good about myself, and the day, which I hope gives him something to think about and perhaps get him on the right track and away from the destructive elements going on in his life, including himself.   We’ll see how well received they are when he reads through them.

     As for Nick…  The frustration with that man continues.  I quite literally gave the man carte blanche to ask any questions that came to mind, and delve into things that he would want to delve into, and ended up feeling just as frustrated talking with him by the end of that conversation as I have the weeks we have conversed since I’ve worked at Providence College.  At the end of that conversation Friday night, while feeling moderately relieved that he had asked me for my blog sites, and to save me the grief of walking the tightrope I’ve been walking with my feelings and my want to know him better, at the same time I had come to some conclusion that there might not be anything else to him than his passion and that anything that’s going on underneath is just something no human will be able to reach. 
     I had told John a little bit of my infatuation with Nick — including the fact that Nick is quite the seeker (q.v. Babylon 5) when it comes to racing and NASCAR — and he had asked me why I continued to pursue in the manner that I did.  Told John flat out that anyone with that much passion in any one thing is not only something to be respected (and revered) but also a rare, fair feature in any human being and while there’s little else in common, it’s a quality that I can directly relate to, given that I follow my passion at understanding humanity and attempting to understand my universe with the same single minded determination Nick does his passion of racing and NASCAR. 
     Ultimately John said that considering the amount of work that I’ve had to go through, with what little gain I’ve gotten, he would’ve washed his hands like Pontius Pilate, and moved the hell on…  But I’m not like that…  I believe there’s something more there..  I just don’t know how to reach it, if it’s at all possible. 

[Last edited: 10/09/2006 06:07:41 PM]

     Well, I just had a hell of a talk with Eric whom I haven’t talked with in much detail the last couple of years.  Almost four to be exact.  While true, I’ve had him on my friends list in 360 for the last couple of months or so, most of the time though, it’s just a comment here, a snippet there.  Nothing really much other than something along the lines of "hey, I’m here alive, and paying attention a little to what you’re saying…"  Today though…  I got him going.
     Apparently he had done some autumnal decorating at the house and took a picture of it, of which I made one of my patented comments of "…it looks as though some pagan witch puked all over the hutch…" of which he had PM’d me admitting flat out that it was his own work.  Pretty much got some catch up done during that conversation of two hours, although it was more a tag match between flirt and admissions…  At least it gave me (and him) something to think about when it comes propriety and decorum… 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time.
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