Home > Life or something like it > Entry 10/18/2006 05:05:26 PM – Mentat 299

Entry 10/18/2006 05:05:26 PM – Mentat 299

10/19/2006
     Well, I’ve finally come out of either a blue funk, or a bout of depression…  I’m not entirely sure which it is.  What I do know is that part of it had to do with the change in weather, as it’s getting cooler around here.  Part of it had to do with the fact that I’ve had entirely too much alcohol than I should have (my uncle bought me a two liter of Jim Beam, and while I’ve had less than a quarter of the bottle — it’s still entirely too much for me to have had, given I’m not much of a drinker).  Part of it had to deal with the bullshit and backstabbing shit I’ve dealt with on Yahoo primarily.  All in all, it has been a fairly bad combination of things that have gotten on my nerves and brought my spirits down more than I should have allowed them, and more than I wanted to admit to having happened.

[Last Edited: 10/18/2006 07:50:27 PM]

     Funny thing this…  Decided that it’s been a week or so since the last time I said down and wrote a journal entry, get one paragraph into this, and just couldn’t find a way to pick up from my explanation of what I had gone through the last week.  So, I walked away from my journal thinking that maybe when I get it into me to write again, I will…  Then it hit me.  Today’s my first asshole’s (Eric’s) birthday.  Big whoop there, huh? 
     More of an afterthought than anything else, given that it’s also Rick’s son Jordan’s birthday.  I think last Friday was more of a moment for me than today, given that it was Darin’s birthday.  Thought a little about him last Friday as I was sitting there having a bit of Jim Beam in his honor.  Sure, it wasn’t Dewar’s — Darin’s usual drink of choice — but it was certainly something.  In a very small way, I sort of miss Darin, even though towards the end it was truly hell for the two of us.  And sometimes I regret the path that I had taken in order for us to end up the way that we had ended up.  But I always remind myself, the past is the past, and it’s not something to dwell too much upon or regret over milk spilled. 

     So…  I sit here…  Thinking one some totally random thoughts that come to mind as I’m sitting here listening to 80s…  It’s amazing really just what gets tied to listening to certain songs.  Thoughts, images, ideas, feelings.  Sometimes even smells, and complex concepts.  For example… 

     Rick Astley’s – Together Forever – reminds me of the time I was in Boston for Pride in 1988.  I was at Fritz’s/Chandler Inn over on Chandler Street.  I recall being there with my friend Mike P. although he didn’t stick too close to me while there, or I stopped paying attention to him because I had been too wrapped up in watching all the men dancing about on the street during the block party.  I remember it being very warm (well for a New Englander anyway), I remember dancing in the streets alone, and not thinking twice about it.  I remember seeing the ‘Hat Sisters’ — a pair of gay men that have been spotted all over Boston and the Cape wearing outrageous hats…  The one that they were wearing that day at that pride were construction hats, with Tonka Trucks and two Ken Dolls holding hands in the back of the dumper, with signs off the back of those Tonka Trucks that read: Still together after all these years…  I remember being entranced by the site of those two hats because where I had been standing at the time I could see just the Tonka Trucks with the Ken Dolls and it looked as though they were driving on the tops of the heads of the crowd around them.  I remember the taste of a Heineken that I had finished, and getting ready to look for Mike P. so that we could head home and call it day, as I didn’t want to have it drag out for too long. 

     Erasure’s – Love to Hate You – reminds me of the time Darin and I came home after being at the Mira Bar and having a terrible time there.  Darin was in a mood, and that was the last song I had heard at the bar before we came home, and I turned on the television only to see the video playing on MTV (when they were still doing videos during primetime and later than primetime).  I remember pretty much ignoring Darin in his mood, as I knew it was a combination of the work that he had gotten out of, and the amount of Dewar’s that he had.  My mood wasn’t any better, given that I wasn’t in the mood to deal with much of anything — his mood, my mood, the night, the weekend, or thinking about work which was quite annoying at the time. 

     Bizarre, Inc. – I’m Gonna Get You – While I had heard that song only once when I was in the North, and at the Mira Bar, the way I best remember this song was that I had moved to the South and living with Rick M. in Marietta/Smyrna.  I remember still being pretty much screwed up with the shit that I had gone through with Darin, and while he thought it would do me a good thing to get out and mingle with queerfolk.  I don’t remember the name of the club…  Hell, thirteen years later, I can barely remember it’s location in Atlanta.  But I remember it was a home that had been converted to a night club.  I remember that they had some go-go boys dancing about the place.  I remember drinking some strong stuff — either Jim Beam and Coke, or and while I didn’t drink to excess — I recall that I was feeling no pain. I went outside at the end of this song, and recall looking up at the stars and thinking that my time in Atlanta was temporary and that I would eventually be moving on.  (Heh, little did I know how much truth there was in that)…

     Sugababes – Hole in the Head – The recent memories this song stirs to life.  First time in twenty years that I had been living on my own with no one else in the house.  Being at the bottom of a scary hole, trying to deal with the amount of anger, abuse and hurt I had from Rick breaking up with me, and the four years of torment that I had gone through with him.  I remember the weekends that I used to listen to this song on Gaydar Radio…  Of chatting with friends on Yahoo, MSN…  Of lurking in gay.com and watching folk.  I remember the rapidly changing seasons from spring to summer to autumn.  Of the smell of dogwood, and pine, to air conditioner, to the crisp of chilly mornings as the leaves began falling as summer changed to fall. 
      I remember the feelings of self-hating, and depression, and self-loathing.  Of being terrified of men, of being terrified of myself.  Of wanting nothing to do with men, to going through weeks of therapy and eventually getting just enough courage to give it a try again.  Only to deal with a whole lot of messed up men. 

     Kim English – Everyday – Walking home from work one summer night, listening to my MP3 player filled with dance/trance tunes, and finally realizing that the muse that I’ve been wanting to visit me had visited me for a short period of time.  I felt good walking in the cooling air, the darkness, the smell of trees and grass, and of the city that I’ve grown up in familiar to me.  Of feeling really good, and sort of happy.  Happy that I wasn’t really trying to date, and that being on my own (sort to speak) really isn’t that horrible a condition… 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time.
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