Home > Uncategorized > Entry 11/06/2006 08:23:32 AM – Mentat 303

Entry 11/06/2006 08:23:32 AM – Mentat 303

     And the answer is… *drum roll*

     No, can we still be friends?

     Although Nick has expressed the want to remaining friends in spite of the fact that he doesn’t want to pursue anything more than simply the platonic. Am I hurt by this? Sort of. I admit that there was more than just the simple glimmer of hope that something more would come out of this. But the pain that I had gone through last Friday night as I was waiting for him to come around with his decision was even more painful thanks to the loss, rather than the actual outcome. Yes, it was quite the hellish little night Friday when I had seen him sign on, and maintaining my promise not to bother him got the distinct impression that the instant that he saw me online, had signed off had left me feeling rather hollow and empty. I didn’t get all that much sleep that night hoping that he would come to whatever conclusion quickly. Fortunately for me, it was only a full day before he had come forward to give me his decision.
     But it raises the question. Where do I go from here?

     I know that if I don’t start dating soon – it will only be a matter of time before I begin to return to obsessing and reading into things that really shouldn’t be read into. Hell – I even have moments like that right now. Particularly when sitting there last night watching The Simpsons and Skyping with Nick comparing notes about the Halloween Show that he had been looking forward to.
Not to mention that later that night, I had come back after watching Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children to help him prep for his paper that is due tomorrow (Tuesday), and ended up realizing that I was detracting him from writing because I had been more concerned with the level of depreciation that he had demonstrated while I was trying to prove to him that he can trust his instincts. God, that was a disaster, let me tell you. I was going someplace with it – but then found myself so distracted by some of the other issues that I had seen cropping up – I didn’t even remotely stick to the point that I was trying to make.

That’s the thing that raises questions within my head. How do I get to instill the necessary self-confidence into the man, without giving him an ego problem? How do I get him to trust his instincts, as they are pretty well on the mark? How do I get him to talk about his feelings without over-analyzing them or even feeling vulnerable in the process?
     I mean, he has the potential. He also has the skill. And given that the man has quite a lot of passion and drive, I’m sure that with the proper application, he would be able to do just about anything that comes to mind (with the usual caveats of personal limitations). But those potentials aren’t being applied. Sleep-walking seems to be the word that comes readily to mind when it comes to what he’s going through right now. Coasting is another impression that comes readily to mind… As though he were waiting for something.
     There’s something else… Something just a little more elusive that I can’t put my finger on when it comes to him. My instincts continue to default back to him being closeted because of the manner that we get together, oftentimes for hours at a time, and we talk about nothing in particular (well, until such time as I press the issue of getting the man to discuss a feeling, a thought, an emotion or something about himself). However, I get the distinct impression it’s also loneliness – particularly when he said on Saturday that he had been looking for other folk to discuss racing with and began scouring Facebook for such people.
     I know that I need more information. I know that I need visual input from him, given that I can do only so much either with type, or with Skype. Getting him out might be possible now that racing season is over here in the Northeast, and he’s got some months before it restarts. Perhaps getting him out this weekend might be possible, if he’s not swamped/bogged down with homework. We’ll see where this goes later on in the week.

     So yesterday, in an effort to get out of the house, run a couple of errands, and generally spend some money that I haven’t had the opportunity to spend, I decided on purchasing the latest X-Men movie – X-Men: The Last Stand, as well as the movie that caught my eye a month or so ago at one of the movie retailers and had received good reviews from someone that I am working with – Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. While I’ve already seen X-Men, I decided to watch the Final Fantasy in the hopes of seeing whether Square/Enix could in fact capture the magic that they failed to do with Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.
     Let me first say that Advent Children was a hell of a piece of work. It was not only like a homecoming seeing the familiar characters of the Final Fantasy VII universe alive on the screen after my playing the game from start to finish twice in the last six years, but it added depth to the characters that the game simply couldn’t do. While there were only a couple of instances that the CGI characters’ movements were choppy, uneven or simply unnatural – those were only momentary and did not detract from the believability of the story in the least.
     About the only issue that I had when it came to the characters was the fact that many of the male heroes were incredibly androgynous – bordering on almost effeminate; particularly when it came to Cloud Strife, Kadaj, and Rufus Shinra. Other than that, the movie itself has plenty of rewatchability.

     Well, that’s about it for the time being. Until the next time.

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