Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/21/2006 02:15:21 PM – Mentat 305

Entry 11/21/2006 02:15:21 PM – Mentat 305

     Well, I’m coming up on two weeks, and in that time since I’ve last sat down and written — I really haven’t had all that much desire to write about anything that’s been going on in my head.  Part of the reason has to do with the blahs that I’ve been going through since I lost the contract at Business Link International (and subsequently having to do a combination of waiting, come sending out the resumes everywhere once again). 
     Part of it has to do with the fact that my ADD has been particularly brutal to me the last four or so days — which means that I’ve made several abortive attempts at trying to write this particular entry, and all have ended up in the trash bin because I’ve found it either lacking, or maudlin, or even shallow…  Not a good thing, given that not only is my mind all over the place, but also that I’m being entirely too critical of myself in my current state and looking for something of more substance from me, rather than allowing me the flow necessary to reaching that substance. 
     Part of it has to do that in talking about some of the issues, speculations, feelings and experiences that I’ve had when it comes to Nick, (and even a little of the thoughts and feelings when chatting with AJ) will lose their "magic" because of how I over-analyze things when I’m trying to comprehend the things going on (or not going on).  Not particularly the kind of thing I would want — that loss of the "magic" of a conversation — given that Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow and I would rather like to have a little "magic" instead of a whole lot of questions, answers, analysis and categorization. 

     At least the good thing is that my mood’s been pretty much stable, and mostly calm — even if there are more often times than naught the frustration and confusion of dealing with Nick and not entirely sure whether he realizes the boundaries and borders he crosses when he does what he does.  Sometimes it leaves me thinking warm thoughts.  Sometimes it leaves me feeling extremely frustrated.  Although now that I check the last entry — there’s something I haven’t particularly talked about that I should in regards to this…  Something that totally set me off with Nick. 
     All right…  Picture this… 
     Last week, I had been having the usual late night conversations with Nick doing the combination of helping him out with schooling, coupled with trying to learn a little bit more about him as I could.  During a conversation one night, Nick had admitted that he was fraying around the edges — School burnout…  The sort of thing that most students go through sometime closer to mid-terms when they feel like they’re simply not able to pull the work load they have, and need some time off in order to reset themselves.  Told him that I understood that and while he couldn’t get a weekend like he wanted — what he needed was just a moment’s respite in order to reset.  Told Nick I would talk to him the next day, and had half-formulated that with his laptop in his possession I would offer that he come out for coffee and do a little work in an environment he wasn’t entirely familiar with — a coffeehouse like Reflections on the East Side. 
     Started talking to him the next day, as he hadn’t gotten all that much sleep; confirmed that he had the laptop, confirmed that he had a couple of assignments that were supposed to have been due that day had been pushed off to the next class (one of which was a reading assignment).  Talked to him about them and asked what he was doing.  Invited him out for coffee at Reflections…  Said to me that he didn’t know where that was, so I gave him the directions, and asked what was on his agenda.
     Did you know that he had intentionally changed out his schedule so that he had to read the book that he was running late on already between 3 – 5 PM.  I was rather annoyed with the way that he had scheduled it, and had talked with him about a counter proposal of meeting at the Dunkin Donuts on Admiral Street.  He signed off shortly after that without word one way or another.  I had to leave quickly because I had a bus to catch in order to be in the area at 3’ish if I was going to meet him close to PC.  So I left, however by the time I had gotten to Lincoln Woods on the bus, I knew immediately that he wasn’t going to show up…  But I went there anyway because hope springs eternal with me.
     Once again — my instincts were correct in that he didn’t show up.  So I stuck around the obligatory ½ hour in case he does show up (hope springs eternal, as I’m fond of saying).  When he didn’t show up, I took a walk around the PC area for a bit, grabbed the bus, went down to Kennedy Plaza (and realized immediately that, that was certainly the worst idea I had given the place was packed beyond capacity when the bus from PC dropped me off at the usual spot), then took a walk around the area where Water-fire is before taking the bus home for the evening.  Of course, while walking around town, enjoying the brisk weather, I had worked myself into a royal tirade so that by the time I got home, I would be sufficiently torqued up to want to lay into him for standing me up, and being such a chicken shit about it. 
     Of course, when I got home — Nick immediately launched into messenger and started chatting in a manner that just tempted me to make him feel as though he were running through a minefield under automatic weapon fire.  Instead of that though, I was extremely laconic towards him hoping he would get the hint to work on his school work without much input from me, and allowing me to stew a bit and perhaps calm down if I was going to deal with him later.  According to Nick — he had a couple of writing assignments that he had to do, and of course the reading assignment that he used as an excuse to get out of meeting me for coffee at Dunkin Donuts. 
     I honestly didn’t care what he did with his time, only in him actually doing the assignments that he had to do, and to only bother me at 10 PM or later if he had finished them because I wasn’t exactly in a very helpful mood. 
     Wouldn’t you know that he bothered me almost precisely at 10 PM to follow-up on whether or not he felt the resume he had worked on was up to snuff…  I remained pretty terse and almost rude about chatting with him — telling him that he should stick to his feelings on whether or not it was up to snuff (even though I knew that it most certainly wasn’t).  He said a couple of really harmless things to me, of which it had confirmed to me that he had known he had done something terribly wrong, and was trying to see whether he could figure out just how mad I was with him. 

     I confronted him on it the next day, of which I had gotten some rather silly and dancing-around-the-issue excuses about his instincts telling him it wasn’t right.  Feh!  Wasn’t right my ass.  I know precisely why he chickened out, and I’ve been laying in wait to confront this conversation for the last week or so.  Although I admit I’ve laid the barb again Sunday night (last Sunday) in which I had dropped a passive-aggressive comment about "…the next time when you won’t chicken out…"
     He said that he would think about it — and I’m pretty sure he had only thought about it for about three minutes.   We’ll see if he’ll broach the subject the next time we get the chance, or whether it’s going to be more wheel spinning from him.  Knowing my luck with the boy — he’s going to spin wheels and avoid the subject mainly on the reasons that he’s got the next 5 days off and he doesn’t want to think heavily through that time.  But I might just put it together in an e-mail and let him stew on it…  Whether he would actually approach chatting about anything I would say/write would remain to be seen.

     My impressions, thoughts, and feelings are certainly a mess when it comes to Nick.  There are too many unconventional things going on with him for me to follow routine patterns of understanding.  And even when I start applying unconventional patterns (that is, the kind that I used to have to apply with Jim back in the days when we used to debate about everything including sexuality), he still doesn’t make much sense.  To make matters worse, getting him to open up is like getting me to open up twenty-two years ago.  Not only is it s royal pain, but it’s like pulling teeth with the man… 
     While I don’t exactly understand the reason why — at the same time, the suspicions are flying on it.  Sure, some of it is in fact rooted in what someone else would think if he had opened up, and them being disappointed with what someone else would find.  But hell — we all go through that at one time or another.  And while he hasn’t outright admitted to it — he has hinted that he’s been hurt at least on one instance where this sort of thing happened…  But there’s more.  There’s so much more.  Hell, I can’t help but think that it’s tied in with the fact that he stood me up last week…  I told him during the weekend, that the reason why I had stood him up is the fact that I in some way threaten him.  I think I threaten him sexually — regardless of the fact that he says he’s heterosexual.  But I’m still not entirely sure just how deeply the threatening goes.  I can’t get him to open up enough to actually find out. 

         Other than that…  I ran into another person that I haven’t seen from GML:1 in a while…  JBen.  Haven’t seen him in close to four years.  Really sweet to chat with him.  Don’t know how to reach out to him.  It’s not the same as Nick, who’s quite verbose about anything else going on in his life, and yet, quite secretive about what’s going on inside him.  While I’ve done a couple of attempts, there are moments when it feels forced — even if I’ve been able to maintain a casual approach to everything.  About the only thing that I regret sometimes in those conversations is the fact that I’m more oftentimes than naught — SWAMPED dealing other private chats…  But I’ll see if I can’t remedy that in the next couple of chats when I see him online. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being.  I’ve been working on this journal entry for close to 12 hours — skipping out long amounts of time in the process.  No doubt I’ll have more to write tomorrow, as I’m currently sitting here chatting with Nick about this and that.  Until the next time. 
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