Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/23/2006 12:55:29 PM – Mentat 306

Entry 11/23/2006 12:55:29 PM – Mentat 306

     Thanksgiving Day… 

     Just have a couple of moments sitting here between the waves of dealing with cooking and what have you before we sit down for the routine holiday gorging.  Got the 80’s music on at the moment, and sitting in my room to give my cat a moment’s peace and security, given that she’s been wigging out with all the movement going on upstairs.  Since I woke up really late this morning from the sleep I’ve been trying to catch up on over the last week, she’s been up and down between the houses at least thirty times to see what I’m doing or to be nearby because she seems to be going through her abandonment issues. 

     At the moment, I’m feeling pretty damned good.  Got the unspoken issues and unspoken feelings between me and Nick worked through finally — at least from my side.  I had been hoping that he would’ve puzzled them out and admitted them on his own — but given that he’s still pretty much a clam about feelings either because of trust issues, or because of his upbringing — I decided that I would be the man and put it all out on the table.  Thought I did pretty damn good at it, given that his mind was all over the bloody place, and he didn’t really want to talk about it. 
     Basically I told him that regardless of him being heterosexual, he was acting like a closet case and wasn’t demonstrating his comfort in his sexuality or in the fact that as a friend I harbored attraction for him.  He didn’t exactly understand that as a gentleman and a Homo Sapien with morals, ethics, and a logical upbringing, that I could put aside my feelings of attraction for a greater good…  That greater good being a good friend, confidant, and almost brother to him. 
     He had finally asked me a question…  A question of simple desire to understand and to delve.  "What do you want?" And I told him:
     I wanted a best friend.  Someone that can be my rock of stability just as I wanted to be his (Heh, particularly when it comes to his schooling, his dedication to his passion of racing, and organizing it all).  I wanted him to be my confidant, just as I wanted to be his.  And as I said to him, it’ll be the first close [male] friend that I’ve made close to home in close to thirteen years. 
     I told him flat-out that while the attraction is there, the value of his friendship is by far more important to me.  I told him I loved him as a brother, friend, confidant, and while he can be rather frustrating in his mind zipping off in twenty different directions, even when it comes to expressing his innermost thoughts and emotions, it isn’t the kind of frustration that puts me off/turns me off.  I told him that in the time that I’ve known him I’ve been feeling better in knowing him, in sharing with him, in the probing questions I’ve asked, the walls that I’ve gotten, and the utterly fanciful distractions hither and yon that we share in the late night hours chatting either about schooling, or
     I told him it’s pretty apparent that he’s needing the same thing (a best friend are the words that I had used), given that he’s ringing me up practically daily, and while he uses school as an excuse, that it doesn’t stay to schooling, given that he wanders from it to talk about comedy, Racing and general goings on through the day..  By the way, I’m beginning to think that he has a passion for as well, given the quoting from The Simpsons he does, followed up to a close second from Bill Maher’s New Rules. 
     Towards the end of the conversation we had the other night (which coincidentally was after my posting of my last journal entry), he has asked me another intense question, the second of the night, and second out of the time that I’ve known of him — "Where do we go from here?" 

     I told him the truth…  I didn’t know.  This was new ground for me.  Nick chuckled and commented wryly that it vaguely sounded familiar (given that he had said it not ½ hour before).  It’s the truth — I don’t know where it’ll go from here.  It’s been my experience that when I’ve fallen for someone, that I will push hard to convince the person that it’s right for the both of us, and if I couldn’t get what I wanted out of it, that I would walk away and leave the person alone never to speak with them again.  With Nick though, I don’t want to do that.  I want him in my life for as long as possible…  I want to see if it’s a friendship that would last 20 years or longer… 
     I did jibe him jokingly that we needed to be able to get together for coffee or something in real time, instead of treating this to late nights, consigned to the dark recesses of the Internet – which he had agreed that we should — although he had done it more hypothetically than in reality.  I’ll press on that another day when I’m in the mood, have the time, and have the desire again to head on out and wreck havoc on reality.

[Last Edited: 11/23/2006 07:52:52 PM]

     Well, I survived the holiday stuffing, although I admit that I had been particularly naughty and ate entirely too much instead of doing the routine and keeping to the light stuff and eating in moderation.  God, I’m feeling like I’m going to explode if I continue sitting here.  Had a particularly bad reaction to the wine we had today…  Gave me a headache that lasted several hours and only a couple of aspirin and a cup of coffee remedied it.  Definitely sucked, believe me.  So…  where was I?

      So things are copasetic with Nick…  And I’m more than satisfied with the results and the conclusions finally brought to the table.  While it’s not quite what I want; it would appear that at the present time it’s what I truly need. 

     Well…  that’s enough for me to write about today.  Seems a good end to a Holiday…  A good end to a chapter of lust, attraction and confused signals…  And a good way to start afresh in the coming days to Christmas. 

     Until the next time. 

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