Home > Life or something like it > Entry 12/31/2006 11:49:04 AM – Mentat 310

Entry 12/31/2006 11:49:04 AM – Mentat 310

     New Year’s Eve… 

     …Out with the old. 

     With 2006 winding to a close, I decided against trying to write a journal entry for the week to put it off for today instead in order to try to do a sort of "the Best and Worst of 2006" entry together.  Amazing when you consider where I’ve been in the 2006 year and all the ups and downs that I had gone through in that time.  Funnier still, when I listen to people around me say to me towards the end of the year, "…where did this year go?" or "…boy, did this year just fly by!" 
     Did it?  I sometimes think to myself, or think out loud…  I couldn’t tell because to me, it was one of the longer years of my life.  Very long sometimes because of either the hours I had been working, the strange schedules I had been assigned to, or the ups and downs and downs and ups that I had gone through with affairs of the heart. 

     How do I feel about this year?  Mostly good…  I had dragged myself out of the depression that I had been going through towards the end of 2005, to fight for what I believed in, in spite of the odds not working out in my favor.  And there had been a couple of moments when I felt as though I had slid back into that very same depression.  Once around the time of my birthday when dealing with the nonsense with Seth.  Once towards the end of Summer when I had quit my job at Eckerd’s because I got tired of the way my schedule was constantly changing, and m blood pressure had been skyrocketing from the amount of hours I had been working.  Once in December when, even though I have been out of any sort of relationship with Rick for a number of years now, was getting all torqued up for no reason about the stresses and grief that he would go through this time of year.  Once I realized that I had no real reason to get torqued up about it, I crashed into a smaller depression because of it. 
     In this year, I had said hello again and good-bye to Will…  Tried giving what was left of my heart back to him, in spite of his warnings that he couldn’t deal with the distances or the intensities and wanted nothing more than friendship.  Instead ended up getting my heart back to me…  All of it.  While it hurt that things had gone the way that they had gone (almost entirely my way, because I’m that sort of person) — I was able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and work on the one thing that I needed to do most:  me. 
     I had also moved quite a ways away from people like Seth (from MSN), and Joey (also from MSN), Josh (AKA Cheeky from Yahoo!), Paul (from Yahoo!), and of course the mess Jeff (from Yahoo!).  With Seth — eh, the drama’s out there in my blogs, and not worth repeating in another blog entry.  Joey on the other hand, was a more subtle thing.  The casual way of his "loving" people, particularly when it’s spread about one too many people — well, it was too much for my gay (not to mention oftentimes Victorian) sensibilities.  So, I made it difficult for him to re-acquaint himself with me, of which he had finally given up trying to throw himself at me in ways that he had done at the beginning of 2005.  Last time I heard, he sort of had a thing for Wendell (also from MSN) although the last time I saw them online together; it seems rather cool or distant.  *shrugging*  As long as it’s not me, I’m happy. 
     Josh was more a self-voluntary thing — but it was pretty apparent that when he was laying the compliments and the praises so heavily that they smelled of being a sycophant, that it was time to distance myself from him because he clearly wanted something — something I refused to want any dealings in.  Couple this with the bombshells about Jeff being a pedophile, and how Josh had come to get that news spread about the room through Luke, and it became high time for Josh to get out of GML:1 before further proofs would come into play that would implicate him as being an coercive pedophile as well.  When all this hit, Josh left, simple as that.  For a while I had seen some of the PMs that he had been sending me in order to get my attention, but given the fact that he had tried so desperately to kiss ass, and did so, so heavily, I had decided that it was best to just let alone in private, and only casually chat with him in public.  He’s been gone ever since… 
     Paul on the other hand was quite a disappointment.  While I would’ve liked to have helped him out of his homelessness, I couldn’t do it because I had my own issues and my own homelessness to work through.  When I had sort of settled, I had learned through him that one of the other Yahoo! sort-of regulars in Missouri had been able to help him out of his predicament and get him moved from California, and later learned a couple of other people had done their best to help him as well (Dawnie, comes readily to mind while writing this entry).  I had asked him several times whether he was in fact in a safe place, when I pressed the issue in public, he had finally been able to answer my question with a "yeah" and pretty much left me the hell alone.  Didn’t really pursue it further as I was still working through my own stuff in real time, so I left it at that.  Some months later, I had watched how things had been playing out with Paul in the channel (GML:1), and it appeared that once again Paul had chosen sides in such a way as he thought that he could get the most out of it.  I had quickly come to the conclusion that Paul was nothing more than a user, and it was time to put an end to the way that he had been using me, and others and confronted him on it. 
     Naturally Paul threw a fit, and showed off the uglier side of his temper.  Not that it really matters, given that it’s like watching and listening to a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum.  But I’ve pretty much pulled him off any lists, and prevent him from making any personal contact with me.  I continue to watch him, this time changing sides and tune once again because the opposing side that he had chosen has all but vanished.  He’s been trying to suck up to my friend Luke and chat with him as though he had done nothing wrong not three months before.  This of course, will be confronted in the weeks to come, but for the moment, I’ve let him have his peace and do his own thing until such time as I think he’s needing a reminder of how two-faced he is. 
     Jeff…  God, what an utter disappointment.  What utter disgust I feel having to sit here and write what little I’m about to.  Jeff was the man that I had talked about at the end of last year from Pennsylvania that I had thought was reasonably put together.  However, in the months coming up to New Years, I began to realize there just wasn’t something at all right with the man.  New Year’s and that week around that time, it became rapidly obvious that he is just as much a mess as any human being that I’ve seen from the state of Pennsylvania.  Hell, come to think of it, he’s the epitome of every possible wrecked and dysfunctional thing I could ever see in one gay man.  I admit that I had called off any sort of contact with the man around New Year’s 2006 when I had heard from him that shortly after supposedly going to the hospital for an appendectomy (ruptured appendix according to him) that not two days later, he was drinking in order to dull the pain. 
     Can anyone else smell the problems of an alcoholic brewing on the immediate horizon?  I most certainly could.  Which is why I had called off any sort of acquaintanceship or association with the man.  I had thought that in separating myself from this man, that he would get the hint that I wouldn’t want anything from him other than the most distant of casual contact with him — particularly when he had asked me why I was no longer accessible from his MySpace Friends list, and I told him, I really didn’t want anything to do with him as a friend. 
     Did that give the man the hint?  Well, not exactly.  He had tried chatting with me on a number of occasions through the year, of which I had been ambivalent at best, to cold and distant at worst.  Then came October-ish.  News got dropped like a nuclear bomb in the room that Jeff was some sort of pedophile and that he had been seen on cam having oral sex with a 9 year old.  While I have always maintained a "…believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see…"  on the Internet — it did in fact put an interesting spin on comments that Jeff had made to me in MSN Messenger the year before about Cheeky making comments to him earlier in the year.  I had posted it in the room looking for clarification and to raise doubt as to the source of the accusation.  Of course, Jeff being drunk and nearly incoherent, further exacerbated the situation by blowing up and making all sorts of threats, accusations, and resolutions that he’s yet to follow through with.  And it didn’t stop there.
     Since then however, I’ve been taking the piss out of him whenever I could — particularly when he got up into mic-chat and had what’s called "dutch courage".  I had gotten pretty fed up with him and the way that he twists in any wind thrown in his direction — friendly one instant, attacking and making veiled and empty threats the next and repeating this in the course of twenty minutes.  (Hence, the reason why he has earned the nickname of Twisticles).  However, after almost a month of taking the piss out of him, be it when he’s pissed as a fart or sober, I had come to the realization that Jeff had positively no self-respect, dignity or pride to know better than to leave someone that finds him revolting and disgusting alone…  I had decided instead to wash my hands of talking to him.  Of which like a codependent cur, continues to try to get attention from me.  How sad and desperate is that? 

     In this year, I had also pretty much cut out all communication with my immediate family…  Jon, Rachel (mother), Herbert (biological father).  I’ve come to the conclusion after one of the five part journal entries at the beginning of the year that neither of my biological parents deserve the right to be called Mom and Dad, given the way that they’ve acted and treated their own children — and that being less than family-oriented and more like vultures and users, preying on the gullible or the soft-hearted. 
     Jon in his infinite control issues thinks that someone’s died and put him in charge of everyone’s lives, no matter where they are, even though I’ve come to the conclusion that he really, really needs to take control of his own life and stay with that. 
     Herb on the other hand is a two-faced drunk.  Can’t seem to tell the truth to anyone’s face, and everything has to be found out by talking to someone else, and even then it’s already quite distorted.  It was just like the two-faced shit that I caught him in seventeen years ago when I had come out and he said one thing to me, and something totally different to Jon…  Last I heard this week from my aunt, Jon’s fell out with him again. 
     Rachel…  As for her — she’s taken the fallout for these two indirectly, even though it’s pretty much strengthened my resolve as to how I’m going to handle her since my unhappy little faux pas earlier in the month, when in a moment of ADD, I had said "Me too" to her saying "I love you…"  I’ve made the decision that I’ll forgive her only — and I do mean only — when she pays out the $2,100+ that she owes me.  Until then though, she can suck on my silence and my not wanting to talk with her. 

     So…  With the disappointment, the heartbreak (and the subsequent healing that followed), and the disgust with some of my family…  I laid this all at the doorway so that I can move through to the new year…  Of which I’ll follow through with the remainder of this journal entry.

     Until tomorrow…

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