Home > Life or something like it > Entry 01/21/2007 12:49:45 PM – Mentat 312

Entry 01/21/2007 12:49:45 PM – Mentat 312

     I know that it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve last sat down and written a journal entry.  I admit that I’ve been avoiding it because frankly, there really wasn’t really anything to write the week before, other than the usual SSDD which I really despise writing about.  I mean, I know that there’s always something going on and it’s not always exciting — but at the same time — just how often can one rehash what’s already been hashed out ad nausea?  So I decided on holding off to sit down and write a journal entry when there was something worthwhile to write about. 

     First off, I had a job interview this week at AAA in Providence for a computer job.  Seems to have gone really well, but I might have a problem taking the job because it involves less than 25% traveling throughout the Southern New England Area.  With me not having a license, that might be a big problem given that the traveling range is everyplace between Narragansett in the south to Cape Cod in the East.  One of the men that performed the interview from within the IT department that I had been working in told me that it’s even less than that — as he’s been wanting to get out of the office the last couple of weeks and he really doesn’t need to.  While it’s somewhat easier to get to the locations within Rhode Island because the AAA branch offices are located along major sections that RIPTA goes to — the ones on the Cape and in the Metro-Boston area are going to be particularly difficult to get to without either hiring a personal driver for the day, or trying to convince someone to help me out in heading in those directions.  In the end, while the job will definitely pay what it’s worth to work – I might have to turn it down because of even the slight traveling that would need to be done. 

     I’ve also found myself to be in the middle of some pretty interesting emotional turmoil all because of a simple request from an acquaintance on Yahoo that I had started off with on a rather negative note.  It’s one of those sort of net friendships that might go someplace more positive if the past and the conflict that had occurred when first meeting can be forgotten and gotten over. 
     His name is Matt.  I thought him fairly nice, but I knew from chatting with him publicly that there was a strong possibility that we had positively nothing in common.  I’m a geek; he’s a redneck.  I’m a traditional totally out-of-the-closet queer that does things my way no matter what people think of me; he’s in the closet and having to deal with putting on airs because he doesn’t want people to condemn him for being different.  And it goes on from there just on appearances.
     I found him intriguing in the I would like to get to know him more sort of way, but didn’t want to make it look like I was hitting on him because I’m clearly older than him.  He saw that as my being condescending towards him and turned hostile towards me.  I tried several times to be warmer, but he still saw it as being belittling and condescending.  After several attempts, I simply left him alone and chalked it up to trying. 
     One day, during a conversation which he had stepped into the middle of, I had made one final attempt to show that it’s wasn’t a dislike for him as a "…I didn’t know how to reach out to him…", I had done a little self-depreciation about my age (of which I frequently do, given how long I’ve been out of the closet, and how long I’ve been out on the ‘net) saying that I was the crusty old man.  He didn’t take the bait as I had hoped, and instead of simply allowing it to be a joke, took to it as though I were the crusty old man and got positively derogatory about it – of which he thought I was trying to hit up on him and, let’s just say that the shit hit the fan. 
     I got tired of it, and took a stick to him.  A sharp one.  For several days.  When he had been sufficiently beaten down through the acts of someone else booting him constantly; he had realized that he had computer problems — he had no idea on how to work YahElite — and was literally at wit’s end trying to understand it.  He knew I was smart with computers because on the 9th he had asked me for help of which I lit into him telling him that I don’t help "twisting in the wind" folk that turn on someone with little to no provocation. 
     He had asked me what my deal was. 
     I told him precisely why I had gotten mad with him and what the deal was. 
     He got uglier with me.
     I booted him within YahElite. 
     He came back
     I booted him again. 
     He then apologized to me and said that he was going to church to turn over a new leaf.
     I had accepted his apology. 
     He admitted the reason why he had picked on me was because he found me slightly attractive.
     I told him this, "Matt — this isn’t elementary school..  Even if we act like it sometimes..  Either take grip to it, or chase it…"
     He didn’t understand what I meant by it.
     I reiterated, "What I mean Matt is — your "slight" attraction.  Either deal with it, stow it, or pursue it."
     We had more of a conversation on it, and he realized that I had been a lot deeper about what I was explaining to him than he had expected. 
     I took a step back from there and helped him with YahElite.  I began explaining to Matt the various functions of Private Messaging with YahElite and demonstrated a couple of the functions to him.  He had taken to some of it, had problems with others, but he was grateful from what little he had learned of it. 

     A week later he had gotten terribly frustrated with his microphone, and I tried a couple of solutions to the issues that he was having thinking that it was a software issue, and tried to help.  Told him that it was pretty useless to key up to speak as it still wasn’t working.  He keyed up one day trying to see if it would work, and did so while UK was playing music — which of course — earned him ire from UK who had proceeded to smack him down because he had been so rude about it. 
     I pulled him into a private conversation explaining to him that keying up while UK was playing something wasn’t wise, of which wanted me to relay something rather rude to UK about.  I told him that wouldn’t be wise either and he’s end up having to deal with a whole lot of bitch-slapping which he wouldn’t appreciate or want.  Told him that it’s probably a hardware problem and that there’s nothing he could do other than buy a new microphone and see if that worked. 
     From there he we had a couple of hours conversation on actors, sci-fi, and life in general.  Turned out we had more in common than either of us thought. 
     He asked me to write.  When I asked him, it was when I had first had sex (gotten laid was the term he had used).  So, I got the inspiration to write about Tommy.

     And I’ve been struggling and in emotional turmoil ever since.  I had realized this morning that the reason why I have been having such a difficult time in writing about it is this is the first time I had ever talked about Tommy, and the instances that had come to pass, without the emotional support of a boyfriend or partner nearby.  In a way because I’ve been doing this alone and without much emotional support, I’ve found myself struggling through it, and agonizing about it something terrible.  For example, the last couple of night I’ve had extreme difficulties sleeping, and while I haven’t had the nightmares of the car accident, or of waking up in the hospital — I know that it’s only a matter of time before I do.  I’m not particularly looking forward to them either, because I usually wake up in tears, or stressed out in ways that I don’t want to be first thing in the morning. 
     I’m going to post the three sections in my online blogs and as page sections within my local journal over the course of the next three days.  Perhaps in posting them, and sharing them with the world — perhaps I won’t feel quite so agonized as I have the last couple of days I’ve had a go at it. 

     Other than that…  That’s pretty much it with me.  I’m off to post, and to read and to play.  Until the next time… 

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