Home > Life or something like it > Entry 01/27/2007 11:18:45 AM – Mentat 313

Entry 01/27/2007 11:18:45 AM – Mentat 313

     This week I have found myself in a place that I didn’t think I would be finding myself.  A place of vulnerability, of being paranoid for fear of being back-stabbed, of a world of unpleasant and oftentimes ugly emotions of wanting to turn against friend, along with wanting to take down as many foes as possible.  It wasn’t the sort of place I should have been in — and it took me several long, scared, angry, and hateful hours for me to realize that it wasn’t the people that I called friend that I should be afraid of, but instead was me.  Towards the end of the day, I had realized that I was also missing out on one of my long-standing traditions, and decided to call upon it until such time as I could get my head and my heart on the same page again, and I could be prepared to stop looking at friends as foes, and foes as fodder for a verbal and emotional body-count. 
     I decided that it was time for one of my net-breaks and spend time with myself a little bit more, and deal with people in a real-time environment a little bit less. 

     It took several hours yesterday, two meditations, and a whole lot of soul-searching to realize that the reason I was acting this way was because I had opened myself up a lot more than I had expected in visiting the past and the issues surrounding the loss of Tommy…  Odd thing that.  It had been so easy when dealing with re-visiting that incident in years gone by — and now it’s was so mind-numbingly excruciating…  So heavy and rending of the heart…  I don’t think that I’ll be able to make a visit back to that memory again for another twenty or so years. 

     So, I’m going to walk away for a few weeks, maybe a few months…  Lurk here, read there.  Soul-search a little bit more.  Try to get my wits back together, and my heart under wraps before I do something foolish or self-destructive…  Cause let me tell you — as I sit here listening to 1.FM’s trance station I can see I’m well on the road of doing many a foolish thing. 

     This is going to be a short entry…  A warning to those that monitor my blogs and say, "Where’s he at?" in the weeks to come.  Until the next time. 

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