Entry 01/28/2007 12:19:03 PM – Mentat 314

Remember the words we used to speak
The promises made have turned to all apologies
The weight of a storm – our memories
Still you fly to fight the force gravity

I remember the days I still could breathe
Now I’m sinking beneath – the waves are crashing over me
The empty space that lay between
is all that’s left of where our love was meant to be

The force of gravity…

Do you cry your eyes to sleep?
Is it peace you seek at night when your body’s weak?
Did I leave you with the scars of a war torn ravished heart?
Do you cry your eyes to sleep?

The Force of Gravity
BT (DJ Tiesto Mix)

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     Sometimes, when I’m listening to 1.FM’s trance station, a song will take me totally by surprise.  A weird juxtaposition between an uplifting beat, combined with words that are melancholy or blue.  This song was just one of them.  Had to look up the lyrics for it, as the only part of the song that I could immediately make out (as I was listening to it over some of the random noise in the house) was the chorus.  Finding the words left me with this "Oh wow," sort of feeling and felt the echo of other incidents of days gone by reflected in the lyrics of this song…  Of broken promises…  Of failed attempts at relationship…  Of people whom I will remain nameless at the moment. 

     It’s been a tough time the last couple of days as I’ve been trying to sort through my feelings, my insecurities, my paranoia, and the feeling of vulnerability that I still seem to be sporting.  I didn’t realize just how deeply it cut, or just how frazzled it had left me until I sat there reading through my last journal entry after a specific e-mail had come in concerned for my physical/mental well-being.  I had to explain to him that it’s not an issue of being suicidal or causing physical self-harm in some masochistic way.  It’s doing some emotional and/or social seppuku that will have an impact on those around me because sometimes it’s the unconscious way of shaking myself out of the funk I’ve put myself in or have found myself in; and in a sadistic manner, take it out on everyone around me. 
     I’ve come to learn in the time that I’ve been wandering around the planet that this sort of emotional/social kamikaze/seppuku sort of tactics does nothing more than simply cause more emotional pain and mental anguish than it should.  Thanks to my ever so psychotic ex, Rick — I’ve come to learn that there are better methods of dealing with the sort of vulnerabilities and issues I’m personally going through not by taking them out like some third grader on those friends and acquaintances around me — but do simply step back, enjoy a break, and being with myself without the masks, the expectations other people think I should/shouldn’t be, and the labels I take upon myself at any given time when dealing with the public at large. 

     While at the moment, I’m calmer…  And can actually look at myself in the mirror and not quite see the pain in my eyes, or see through to the pain that’s been exposed from deeper parts of me…  There are just a couple of niggling and nagging thoughts going through my mind and in my heart that I just don’t know how to respond to, or approach, given that they involve a reaction that I had from an e-mail I had received from Matt on Friday.  I think maybe I’m going to go off for a little bit and meditate on it before I continue.  If only to sort it out a little more before posting it here. 
     So I’ll be back later…

[Last Edited: 01/29/2007 02:57:41 PM]

     Quite a bit later than I thought it was going to be.  Didn’t quite end up meditating the way that I said I would.  Went off to play a couple of games, listen to a whole lot of Trance, chatted a little with Joey, wandered about aimlessly around the room thinking about this and that, and just as I was eventually going to try out a quick meditation, Matt came online and ended up chatting with him.  Not quite the sort of thing I should’ve done, given that after I had chatted with him, I felt a combination of listlessness and embarrassment because there were times I thought I made a complete tit of myself.  Took me almost an hour to actually fall to sleep — and even during that time, I ended up not really sleeping — but instead in this between consciousness and unconsciousness state that ticks away information in my head in that demented Salvador Dali time is melting sort of way…  Finally did get to sleep, but only after the realization that every time I chat with Matt — I end up having my third eye wide awake and seeking something out with it.  Not exactly the kind of experience one should be having when they’re trying to get some shut-eye. 
     Some of the thoughts, feelings, and what not going through my mind at the moment, in regards to Matt seem to be all over the place (not a good thing with me in this state, believe me).  While chatting with him — he tells me that he was on television on Saturday because they had done interviewing of some of the locals on the pothole situation there, and that in his opinion, "…sounded like a total hick…" Turns out that the location archives their news for the month, however the show for the 27th hadn’t been posted yet — so I said I would check it out to see whether it’s there or not.  Looks like it’s two days behind…  For me, it’s a sort of giddy feeling — because if and when it gets posted there, there’s confirmation as to what Matt looks like beyond the modest couple of pictures I’ve seen of him on his profiles.  Sure — I know it doesn’t mean it’s him — but at least there’s a consistency between the picks and video that he’s talking about, and the attitudes that he’s got going for himself. 
     While I was laying there in bed last night, waiting and begging for sleep to take me, I realized that while thinking about the video being there, I was acting like quite the giddy fool with him.  Part of me feels like I’m setting myself up for disappointment.  A good part of me actually…  And realizing slowly that it’s not the sort of thing that I should be doing so quickly after finding myself as vulnerable as I have. 

     Just went to check the news page to see whether or not they had updated it, and they had.  Looks like there was an article on the pothole conditions in the Tulsa area, and while they had something on it — he wasn’t shown on the airings.  Checked through the airings at 6 PM and 10 PM and it looks like he’s ended up on the cutting room floor.  Sent off an e-mail telling him that. 

     Anyway… 

     Too many things that I need to be self-inspective on.  I’ll no doubt be visiting each and every one of them in the days to come.  I think I’ll call it a day for the time being.  Until the next time.