Home > Life or something like it > Entry 01/30/2007 04:11:44 PM – Mentat 315

Entry 01/30/2007 04:11:44 PM – Mentat 315

01/31/2007
     Last night I had been approached by Luke to ensure that I was doing okay, since he had admitted to being more than a little concerned about the message that I had put out to him Friday night, of which after an hour or so of chat, had confirmed for him everything was doing all right since Friday’s rather cryptic and concern-causing message.  I explained to him a little bit of the reasons why I had left had to do with the amount of paranoia and the vulnerability that I had been going through since I had talked about Tommy (with Matt), coupled with the pain and sudden re-opening of a can of worms involving the accident and the loss that I thought couldn’t possibly be opened anymore.
     I also explained a little about the family life — what with my uncle (Armand) sort of throwing a hissy fit in his own way about the fact that my aunt (Monique) and Uncle (Bob) going to Uncle’s first ex-wife’s father’s funeral as a demonstration to them that the our side of the family was better than theirs and showing demonstrating to them we know how to be respectful in spite of family adversities.  Uncle Armand hasn’t been exactly the most understanding of this, thinking that the "up yours" as I call it that was done towards his first ex-wife’s family was in fact done towards him.  This has caused my Aunt some stress the last couple of days of which I tried to explain to her to simply let him stew in this, and eventually he’ll come around.  She just thinks that it’s being done to her personally, and feeling a bit out of sorts with it (not surprising — given the whole family takes things personally before emotions get put to the side and things get sorted through). 

     Add to this, is the fact that apparently it has come to my Aunt’s (Monique’s) attention that Armand routinely goes to see my grandmother — his mother — with my estranged mother Rachel, and thinking that the two of them are now "best of buds"…  This causes considerable grief considering the things that Armand had said about my mother to my aunt a year ago about how he "…only had one sister, the other one was dead to him…" 
     I recalled having a discussion with Armand on the way to and from Pennsylvania to pick up my things on while he might not trust my mother in the least, that he’s going to sort of make amends with her (but never trust her truly) for the sake of my grandmother who’s health has been slowly dwindling for quite some time. 
     Again, I tried to explain to her that this might not in fact be the case, and that the reason why he’s doing this was to put up a front for grandma because he didn’t want my grandmother giving him any grief on it.  Tried to also explain to her that Uncle (Armand) has never known how to deal with any of grandma’s acts and connivances, but my aunt didn’t really listen to me on this — still believing that it’s something personal and that Uncle was being somewhere in the vicinity of being a hypocrite. 

     Add to this that Uncle (Bob) has been going through various tests because they had found a growth on one of his kidneys when they were getting ready to perform a voluntary surgery on his knee and that it’s a form of cancerous growth on that kidney (tumor I think was the word that they had used)…  My aunt’s been more than a little nervous about it, but at the same time finding the strength to see the positive while they continue to run test and wait for the results and the final diagnosis. 
     As for me, I’m sort of waiting for the final conclusion considering that when it comes to one’s health running to conclusions is never a healthy thing to do.  Even then though, I’m not seeing it as the worst.  They had diagnosed him with fatty tumors under his arms several weeks back which the doctor had diagnosed and re-diagnosed as being completely benign, so it’s entirely possible of the same when it comes to the growth that they’ve found on his kidney.  Add to the fact that excluding his knee which has been considerably painful — he’s quite healthy. 
     I think the doctor’s are being overcautious about everything and seeing the worst.  Even then, I’m patient, calm, and mostly waiting for better heads to come to their conclusions. 

     So all these niggling things have been adding up to my avoiding some of the personal issues that I’ve been going through since about Friday.  On the one side, diversions like this are a good thing.  On the other, they just allow me too much ability to get out of the necessary self-inspection necessary for healing emotionally and mentally.  And of course, the cherry on the top of this sundae has to be my continued chatting with Matt through all this. 
     Two nights ago, I had a particularly difficult time trying to fall to sleep.  I found myself thinking about Matt, and having this really weird and odd feeling akin to anxiousness and nervousness whenever I had tried to focus on him.  It was an odd feeling I’ve had a couple of other times before, however, I didn’t associate that the agent of those feelings could have been external — thinking instead that it was internal. 
     As it turns out, I came to find out last night that what I had gone through was Matt’s doing (indirectly).  Seems that after a particularly personal conversation that we had, he had reached out to me in a psychic way to ensure that everything was all right with me.  Well, needless to say that caused me quite a bit of discomfort, given that the last time I had anything of the sort happen to me had been about 14 years ago when I had met Alan R.  At least when it comes to someone I find attractive.  (Dante on the other hand doesn’t count, as that boy reached out to me, with and without my permission). 
     It’s been quite some time since I’ve been in touch with anyone that is as psychically attuned at Matt.  And it certainly does  raise questions, particularly that the chord that he had struck when he had reached out to me in a clairvoyant manner.  Like whether or not contact with such a man is what I need at this present time — having my third eye and solar plexus as active as they’ve been since I figured out he was the cause of it (having done a lot of work in the crown and heart chakras the last couple of years). 
     *meditated a moment or two*  And it’s coming at me right under my radar.  It’s not as though I sense it and am able to determine who it’s coming from as I have done in the past.  It’s coming in right under my radar, and I’m totally unable to identify it. 
     I’m going to ask for some distance from him until such time as I can sort it out, or make the decision as to not wanting anything to do with him because of it.  It’s just not what I need at the present time.

     Well, I’m going to call it a night.  Have a re-interview to do tomorrow.  More on that when I’m up to writing.  Until the next time…

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