Home > Life or something like it > Entry 02/24/2007 10:41:40 AM – Mentat 319

Entry 02/24/2007 10:41:40 AM – Mentat 319

     Heh, more abortive attempts at sitting down and writing this journal entry.  Not because I didn’t know what to say, but mainly because I’ve been going through the various mid-winter blahs that prevent me from really wanting to sit down and write about anything.  Although there is quite a lot of ground to cover since the last time I sat down and wrote a journal entry.  Not to mention that I need to admit that my ADD has been particularly bad the last couple of days that I’ve been wanting to sit and write about the events that have happened this week…  Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you… 

     First off, on the most mundane of topics, I feel the need to bring up that Rhode Island’s PBS station (Channel 36) has been showing one of my favorite sleuth/whodunit shows from Masterpiece Theater – Cadfael.  I have always been fascinated with Derek Jacobi’s portrayal of the ex-Crusader come Brother of the Order, come detective for the local crimes committed in the town of Shrewsbury. 
     I have always been sort of fascinated in the character of Cadfael.  Warrior come pacifist…  Intellectual and sleuth…  Giving up the past in order to try to make for a more peaceful future.  And the manner which he had approached some of the sins of his past when they came knocking on his door in character’s present…  *smiling*  If only I could approach them with the placidity that he does.  Eh, maybe someday… 

     All right…  Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way.  Last weekend is the first place that I need to start with.  Chatted with Jack again that weekend; a person that I’ve been chatting with on and off for the last four years.  I’ll admit that it’s never been an easy thing chatting with him.  Part of the reason has to do with the almost tangible desperation of him wanting that one thing that he cannot get — a boyfriend.  Part of it has to do with the fact that he’s a hunt-and-peck sort of typist (which means that messages from him taken an extraordinary amount of time to be received from him), and part of it has to do with the reputation that he’s acquired along the way from various acquaintances that have met him about him not exactly being the most charming person to have a formal or informal date with…  Oh it’s not as though he’s rude or anything of the sort.  It has to do with the fact that he’s incredibly shy. 
     About a year ago, I had sort of confronted him about his reputation and what he had to say about himself about it, and he practically threw a hissy-fit about it wanting to know who it was that said it about him.  Told him flat out I was a gentleman and that the source had requested discretion of which I wasn’t at liberty to tell him who the source was.  So over the next year or so; whenever I had chatted with him about it — particularly given I was in the area now living on Rhode Island and only a ½ hour or so where he lives — I would bring it up to see whether he would answer the questions or whether he would continue to throw some sort of hissy fit.  Last weekend when I had brought the point up one more time, and stressed one more time that the source of the information is held in confidence…  And then he did something that I was rather impressed with…  He had pointed out that I had been assuming a whole lot of information without actually having met him myself. 
     So I decided that he was right — that in spite of the fact that I had most probably had an accurate picture on the man — that in spite of it all — I was still making a whole lot of assumptions on him.  I told him he was right — and that I had been making a whole lot of assumptions based on what he’s said and not said, and just when he was signing off and thinking friends that would never meet would be the best course of action. 
     I chatted with him throughout the weekend — setting a date to meet him on Thursday and then him pushing it up a day to Wednesday (couldn’t do it on Tuesday as I had the second interview to go to for the Office Management Position at the Hope Alzheimer’s Center).  Chatted with him in type, and for about an hour on Sunday, chatted with him on the phone.  Typical New Englander.  Higher than usual pitch, dropped R sounds in the right places.  A voice that I didn’t find myself particularly put off by. 

     I was sort of looking forward to meeting him with some trepidations.  On the one side, I had always thought him moderately handsome — which was one of the other reasons I had started trying to chat with him four years ago when I saw him online (the primary reason was that I had been homesick and when I saw he was from the Milford, MA area, wanted to chat with someone from my neck of the woods).  On the other, it had been close to a year since the last time I had been on anything remotely resembling a date — be it formal or informal…
     Like the trooper I am though — on Wednesday, I trudged out of the house and headed down to the appointed place we were supposed to meet — Sunrise Bagel on Social Street and unsure that it would be open.  Of course, it wasn’t but there were two other coffee shops along the way that were open — so when I met up with Jack, I had suggested those other places within easy walking distance once we had established that Sunrise was closed and that he really couldn’t stay long.  When he said that he had forgotten to tell his friend that he had a sort of date on the day we were supposed to meet — I realized that he was already throwing out a life-preserver on the event, of which I was someplace between disappointed and relieved about the whole meet and greet.
     I knew he was short — 5’5" according to his profile — but the reality of his height just didn’t hit me until I was standing there looking at him and realizing he only came up to my chin.  Had a moment when I was looking at him that I realized that he was the exact height my brother had been most of the time we had been growing up (my brother routinely could only come up to my chin until I had stopped growing when I was 16).  Pretty and odd colored eyes.  Someplace between Hazel, and Green, and Gray.  The picture does him justice in that he has a straggly beard.  The reason for it was plainly apparent looking at him across the table from me and imagining him without it..  Underneath that straggle his face was clearly angular in that diamond in the rough sort of way.  I had a moment looking at him and thinking that with the hair on his face, he was actually rather charming, but had to fight the impulse to ask him when the last time he had taken a trimmer to parts of it, as they were oddly overgrown in some places. 
     On the whole, my impression of the date was uninspiring.  While there were moments when it was mildly pleasant to chat with him, particularly when he made the off-the-wall comment of "…putting the fun back in dysfunction…"  most of the time though I had been disappointed.  I had realized that during our conversations that I knew more about what was going on in his life than he did in mine — because he lacked asked the questions, not to mention that because of the amount of dating, trying, and failing he’s gone through that sort of dating-blur thing where one date is pretty much like the next, and can’t remember a stitch of anyone he’s currently with.  Not exactly the best way to make an impression on the current date, believe me. 
     Like a gentleman, I saw him back to his car, and ensured he got the directions back to where he needed to go.  I recall him saying something about having a good time and wanting to do it again when he had more time, and that he wouldn’t be online that night because when he left there he would be going to his friends which he’d be staying there for the night.  When I got home however, an hour after telling my aunt and uncle about the date, I came downstairs, signed in to chat with Luke and Ed, and ended up seeing him sign into Messenger within the hour. 
     I have always made it a point not to like people lying.  And I never particularly liked when the lie was so palpable as saying one thing about not being there, and yet signing in within two hours of the date.  So I did what any sensible gay man would do when lied to.  I removed him from my messenger, moved him to block, and refuse to deal with a man that’s going to lie quite as blatantly as he did. 
     At least this time, sitting across from someone on an informal date, I wasn’t so much seeing their problems, but instead I was seeing them for themselves — both the bad and the good… 

     Went for the second interview with the Office Management job at the Hope Alzheimer’s Center.  Thought it went pretty well, although not as well as I had hoped.  The case worker that was there didn’t so much as ask questions as she had done precisely as I thought that she was going to, and do a body language and nuance read on me.  I also didn’t have any questions again, which was a surefire sink on the interview — but then I don’t normally start asking questions until I’m actually in the position and trying to get a feel of it.  Haven’t heard anything of it, so either they’re going to push it for the beginning of the month (March) as that’s right around the corner, or they’re simply not interested in me for the position given that I’m grossly overqualified according to the two times I had interviewed. 
     Eh, we’ll see how that goes this week…  One way or the other.

     Let’s see, what else…

     Nick had a sort of mini-meltdown later in the week about a discussion that started out innocuously and ended up getting personal with him.  Seems that he had been given the front desk job at the Helpdesk and then it was taken away for reasons he wasn’t entirely clear of.  He couldn’t understand what Jim had meant when he had said to him he needed to "…change his personality…"  So I had to lay it out for him…  Again…  Ad Nausea and with a great amount of detail.  Strange thing that — even after it was all said and done, I don’t honestly know whether it’s going to sink this time or not. 
     And still after all these months that we’ve chatted practically every day or with a such a routine that most folk would call it a relationship — I still know so little about what’s going on inside him; other than perhaps when he’s deeply troubled by the goings on (RacerHub for example, or the fact that he was looked-over for the position of PR Secretary at Thompson’s).  Seeing I haven’t seen much of him online, I can only assume that he’s not really pondering it, and is off trying to distract himself from the self-realizations. 

     That’s about it for the time being.  Until the next time. 

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