Home > Life or something like it > Entry 03/13/2007 09:20:58 AM – Mentat 322

Entry 03/13/2007 09:20:58 AM – Mentat 322

03/13/2007
     …To continue… 

     As I was saying the other night, there have been quite a collection of stories to tell regarding some of my friends, some of the fools I’ve been watching play in front of my eyes, and some of the freaks that I’ve talked to in private.  Of course, I’m not sure which direction I want to go in — freaks to friends or friends to freaks.  Decisions, decisions, I know.  Of course, it doesn’t help matters any that I’m not in the least bit grounded and chances are I’m going to end up bouncing all over the place, based on which comes to mind first.    Eh — I might as well just stick to how I want to write based on mood, wants and of course topics that come to mind.  So if it seems to bounce all over the place, you’ll know why. 

     Yahoo’s Gay Men’s Lounge: 1 (Freaks or Fools for the most part, with the apparent exclusions of a very choice few folk that I can moderately tolerate, and even fewer that I call Friend) is beginning the wind down from the high queenly drama that was going on in there to practically nothing.  There will still be the occasional flare-ups that are going to happen (as there are a couple of folk that still need to be sort out), but for the most part, people have had their fill of what drama has been shoveled out in their direction.  The egg-timer’s been going on when people are going to start slithering off to other rooms, or off the net entirely.  Of course, it’s in at the stage of death-throes at the moment.  Some of the weaker chatters are trying to club together in the hopes that they’ll get enough numbers and strength together in order to usurp the pecking order of the room.  Unfortunately for one of them (Ron) — he doesn’t have what it takes to band people together, but he’s just too bitter and backstabbing for words.  It’ll only be a matter of time before the back-seat chatters (as I call them) will figure out just how backstabbing he is. 
     There’s another one which I have my eye on — who shall remain nameless for the time being.  He seems to be shaping up rather the same way as Ron (from above).  Saying one thing to a person’s face and then something totally behind their back.  Kissing ass like a pro-sycophant and putting off a couple of the regulars in the room by playing a combination game of "make a regular look like a liar" and the passive-aggressive approach of "I’m not here for the drama" but stirring up quite a lot of it behind everyone’s back.  Should be rather interesting when that balloon pops; and of course, you’re truly will probably be the one popping the balloon — given that I don’t have the patience to play the ‘waiting game’. 

     Then there’s Ron from Buzzen…   Total and complete Freak.  He had blipped onto my radar around three weeks ago when he had some sort of dramatic moment within the room…  At the time of this entry, I can’t really remember what it was that he said — but it was pretty clear that he had been having issues with the room being as cliquish as it was.  Started chatting with him in private — and should have known after a few private chats that the man that there was trouble with this one, but then again I thought myself entirely too judgmental.  So I continued trying to chat with him.  I admit — I’ve always found that shy and reserved/defensive is moderately attractive to me, because it has always been demonstrated that shy/defensive people are usually warm-hearted.  How wrong I was.
     This was a man with more issues than Time-Life.  Positively no self-esteem, focused entirely too much on physical beauty, the list then devolved from there.  Talking with Ron was like talking to a brick wall, and makes Nick who can be a brick wall sometimes appear to be warm, inviting, and easier to chat with.  The major difference between Ron and Nick is that Nick is just silent and introverted.  Ron on the other hand appeared to be going out of his way to demonstrate just how fractured, and generally psychotic about sabotaging anything and anyone that showed any positive interest in him — from describing the vile things that he had done to boyfriends, to basically saying that "…things need to spark between two people, ya’ know?" 
     Yeah, I know.  But I said at least on three different occasions to him that in order for a spark to exist — several factors have to be in play: 1. One needs to be open about oneself, 2. One needs to have self-esteem, 3. One needs to have some self-respect and self-love.  There were a couple of other niggling points that I had made, but can’t remember them at the moment. 
     The more that I talked with him, the more I realized that he was even more messed up than my ex; Rick.  Too much of his attention was on his ugliness and other people’s "prettiness".  *eye roll* And no matter how I tried to get him to engage in a conversation that didn’t have to do with this subject — it just wouldn’t work out.  He just wouldn’t engage.  In fact, the only times that he engaged was when I got pretty disgusted chatting with him and really wanted to move on to chat with someone else.
     He finally said the other night, "I don’t like you." 
     Definitely no problem there!  I had pretty much given up about three hours before and was waiting patiently for him to have yet another one of those "dramatic moments" of his wanting to move on because "…there was no spark…" Following is how it ended up:

[19:57] Ron: I don’t like you
[19:57] Michael: the feeling’s mutual.
[19:57] Michael: mutual
[19:57] Michael: And you’re ignored as well
[19:57] Michael: have a nice life.
[19:57] Ron: really well you should have told me that from the beginning
[19:58] Ron: you think I care if u hate me
[19:58] Ron: I didn’t do anything to you for you to dislike me anyway
[19:59] Michael: I don’t hate you…
[19:59] Michael: I think you’re shallow, petty, and you did everything in your power to sabotage this.
[19:59] Michael: Congrats…  you succeeded
[20:00] Ron: sabotage what
[20:00] Ron: there was nothing to sabotage
[20:02] Michael: you sabotaged a possible friendship
[20:02] Michael: that what you F’ing sabotaged.
[20:02] Michael: get your last words in Ron…  you’re ignored..  I’m tired of wasting energy on you
[20:02] Michael: you’re just plain F’d up

     I admit there’s been a little editing — mainly on the fact that I had lost my temper at about that point and was pretty much also dealing with other noise as well that night.  I seem to recall that I was getting pretty annoyed with Nick as well, as well as listening to a whole lot of feedback from Markie in Skype.  So I shut everything down, and took a walk for about half-hour to sort out the ADD flare-up I was having. 
     Wouldn’t you know that a couple of days later, I had another run-in with him in Buzzen.  I had shut off my Whispers/PMs there for about three days, and then re-opened them because there were a couple of people that I chat with there, that I haven’t introduced to MSN Messenger.  Ron messaged me there asking if I still thought him petty… 
     Of course, I had it out with him there; as I wanted to get last word in some more with him.  I asked him if he was retarded or simple (because that would explain to me the almost pre-adolescent way he dealt with things in text chat).  He called that particularly mean… 
     Ha!  Mean he thinks, I thought to myself.  This is lightweight considering what I’m capable of.  I told him I would demonstrate "mean" soon enough. 
     It pretty much degenerated from there.  I had told him the reason why I didn’t want anything to do with him, quoting back everything that he had said to me verbatim.  He denied most of what I had quoted back to him stating that he had never said any of those sort of things. 
     I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and couldn’t be sure whether he was mental, retarded, a pathological liar, or just plain psychotic.  I went with liar and psychotic and lit into him. 
     He said that he wanted to apologize and that was the reason why he had opened up the dialog. 
     Given the barb he had thrown out at the beginning of the conversation.  No "hello".  No " Can I have a word with you?" Instead, I got, "do you still think me petty?  I’m not you know."  I said I really didn’t care that he wanted to apologize, I thought him a total freak and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. 
     Of course, that earned my calling me an "Asshole".  Not that I cared either — because I lobbed back — "I’d rather be an asshole than a psychotic." 
     The conversation pretty much ended there.  And for the last couple of days every time I’ve shown up when he’s there, he’s pissed off. 
     As the Amazon says after killing the charlatan in "Diablo II", "Good riddance…  Freak!" So are my sentiments in dealing with him.  Let’s see how long this lasts before he works up his courage to try again…

     Nick fits someplace into this..  Yes, still a Friend…  But the issues with him are just racking themselves up.  Needy to the point where I’m like, "Dude, we need to talk about this…"  In fact, I currently have it in my queue that I’m going to need to address this with him.  I mean — there have been times where I’m actually having a grand old time with the High Queenly Drama in Yahoo, or in Buzzen (and in one instance, dealing with a particularly obdurate person in Gay.com) and he’s been someplace between killjoy for that or wanting to talk about racing with me or dragging my mood down from highly sarcastic to moderately bored.  There have been a couple of instances lately (well, in the last couple of months where I had actually had to push him off because I would much rather deal with the High Queenly Drama in chat than talk about databases, racing, and what I call non-conversation (mundane things like television and the ilk). 
     Last week; he had one reading/writing assignment due, and while I had chatted with him a couple of times around mid-week where he said he did a some of what was required of him — I urged him time and again to work on the assignment — the quicker the better.  Did he?  Of course note — at around 8 PM Sunday night he began working on it.  Told him flat out that I was going to bed no later than midnight and that he should be able to finish the assignment by then.
     Did he?  Of course not.  He was at it the next morning, which I assisted him as best as I could; and ended up wondering what in god’s name was going through his mind when he handed me the paper he had.  There were missed points, confused points, and I generally got the idea that the paper was put together by a CCD student about to make their First Communion (it was for a Christian-Studies class).  Oh, the night before, when I had seen the first iteration of the paper — there was one sentence that had been so mangled that if that paper had been proofed by any of the Catholic Sisters or Brothers, or even one or two of the Jesuit Priests that I had studied under, they would’ve probably had a serious talk or two with him about the Life of Christ. 
     Needless to say, he missed out on his History Class in order to make this paper right on Monday — something that while I still understand that sometimes a class will be skipped for another — didn’t give me exactly the best feeling in the world…  Particularly given that his grades haven’t been exactly spectacular… 
     After this weekend, I’ve come to the conclusion there is something seriously wrong with him…  He’s spinning his wheels, because yesterday when I was helping him proof his paper — he had said that he had done nothing that was on his To Do List and that he needed to better organize himself.  That’s not the issue; it never has been. The issue is actually him being someplace between burn-out; and the intrinsic need for a more intimate relationship with another human being.  I believe based on the way he and I have communicated over the last 6 months — his interpersonal skills have plateaued — in fact not only have they plateaued but they have pretty much been stagnant since about 2001 from what I’ve been able to collect from our conversations. 
     Bloody hell — given the amount of attention that he needs, coupled with the fact that he routinely seeks me out in everything — I’m back to casual and intimate friends thinking that he’s apparently a closet case in spite of the fact that I’ve told them otherwise.  I like him and all (a lot, I admit) — but as I’ve joked more than once on this — I’m not his boyfriend, I’m not his bitch, and I’m not his hollaback boy. 

     Finally, there’s Jack; who’s worked himself rather comfortably in the center of the neighborhood of Fool.  I made comment that I had ignored him back in Entry 319 because I caught him lying about what he was doing the night of the date.  I had cut him out of MSN messenger because of it.  He had Whispered me over in Buzzen of which I had talked to him a little bit about nothing in particular and following-up with the thought that I had been duped and lied to the night of our date that he wanted an easy out.  He had apologized profusely about it stating that that wasn’t the case.  So I removed him from the ignore bin in MSN, although I didn’t actually promote him back to my Friends/Buddy List. 
     Odd, looking through my logs, I didn’t realize that I had only chatted with him on Saturday…  And most of that chat was pretty light…  Well not really light as it was more a flooding of URL’s from either MySpace or YouTube from Jack – why I have no bloody idea.  Some of them seemed the sort of thing my Uncle (Armand) would send out to the world from friends and family that he had collected in his inbox.  The rest?  Well, I just wasn’t too impressed with when I had the chance to look at them (I didn’t really get to look at too many…  UK and I were off in Yahoo taking turns playing music within the Lounge because it was so bleeding dead in there).
     Needless to say — I got the distinct impression that he had taken it personally and pissed off to flirt elsewhere; even though I could more than happily give him as much attention as I could while a song was playing, or when Luke was taking his turn (no one else was chatting with me at the time).  Eh, no big loss looking back at it — I was having a rather fun time with some of the music I had picked up through the day. 
     *shrugging*  At least this string of conversations is proof that sometimes — even if there’s no harm to be caused from a conversation between two men — doesn’t mean that one should pursue it intimately if there’s positively no "spark" (chemistry/attraction, etc.) as Ron had continually made reference to in our conversations. 

     Well, that’s about it for the time being…  I think I’ve pretty much covered what I didn’t from Sunday night.  Until the next time. 

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