Home > Life or something like it > Entry 04/21/2007 09:54:56 PM – Mentat 327

Entry 04/21/2007 09:54:56 PM – Mentat 327

     Another week come and gone… 

     One of the things that I don’t like about working is the fact that by the time I get home, no matter how much sleep I’ve gotten in the day — by the time I get home, get changed, and stop for a moment to breathe — I’m just too tired to want to coherently put thoughts together for a fairly competent journal entry.  Sure, I know it has to do with the fact that I’m currently in training, and in training mode I tend to use an awful amount of brain power learning and memorizing and understanding the processes of the job that I’ve just been assigned to, but it’s also during these times that I encounter a thought, a feeling, a longing…  Something that’s worthwhile of writing about that I simply don’t have the energy to spend to write about it.  Take Friday afternoon as a prime example of one of those worthwhile thoughts that I had.
     I’m at work going through the various training exercises on the phone and trying to understand the processes hand’s on.  The person I was training with had asked me whether I had known of any sites that could give historical weather information on Greece.  I didn’t pursue the reason why; simply saying that I was pretty sure that there was.  More information was later volunteered that the reason for this curiosity was because they were going with their significant other for their 10th anniversary.  Said something to the extent that the anniversary should be treated with some special event. 
     I smiled and nodded and thought well wishes for him; but at the same time, I realized as I was sitting there, I had muttered out that it would’ve been a miracle if any of my relationships got to year six…  And that they have a half-life of five years before critical mass and some sort of nuclear explosion leaving nothing but wasteland, and hurt feelings.  And in that quiet admission, at the same time I ended up being self-inspective and rather hurt that such an anniversary has never happened for me.  There was also a tinge of envy, and a whole lot of regret. 
     I talked a little about it with Jacob first, and Ryanne this evening, and while both of them told me the same thing…  That eventually the one that was meant for me would be found…  I just don’t feel it..  Like I’ve said in the past to many people, and sometimes in my journal — when it comes to me finding a man — I have to be actively searching.  If I don’t look — then it doesn’t happen.  Part of the reason I think has to do with the kind of energy that I put out…  Part of it has to do with the karma I carry when it comes to "finding a man". 
     It’s certainly given me quite a bit of pause, as I’m sitting here trying to continue with this thought, and finding myself in a world of thoughts and feelings rather difficult to put down into writing without sounding like I’m whining, or moaning about my lot in life.  Not quite the mood or the tone that I want to set with this entry. 

     Hmmm…  What mood do I want to be setting with this entry? 

[Last Edited: 04/22/2007 05:03:08 PM]

     Sat there last night after asking this question and decided instead of approaching the issue to sign off for the night and try to get some sleep.  Not that the dreams that I had were any solace or consolation.  I recall vividly having dreams involving mutants (like X-Men mutations), coupled with magic and sorcery and something about an underwater temple that I had to get through without drowning)…  Pretty interesting on the drowning part, given that I was watching Mythbusters the night before, and one of the myths they were taking a swing at was the one that involved getting out of a car that’s falling into a river/body of water, and they had done the experiment several times in different ways.  Disconcerting and interesting in that fear-fascination sort of way all at the same time. 

     Of course, the mood that I was going through last night which is sort of like a blue-funk is by no means the mood I’m currently in after having a rather intense conversation with Jer just a few hours ago.  Seems that he’s going through the same thing that I went through a couple of years ago, culminating through the emotional weight that I finally shrugged off my shoulders when I made the trip to North Carolina to make amends with Will.  It’s certainly given me pause as I went out to make a quick run to Stop & Shop to pick up this week’s RIPTiks, Pop Tarts, something to eat and with my aunt to refill a couple of her prescriptions and was thinking a little bit about some of the things Jer and I had talked about. 
     He ‘accused’ me of being the Voice of Reason — which isn’t unusual given that at least some of the issues that he had been experiencing I have a little experience in, myself.  But it’s left me thinking more and more about now that I’ve gotten through the Anger, Depression, Regret…  Denial and Bargaining I really didn’t go through.  So as I looked at the stages of grief, I realize that I’m someplace near the acceptance process.  But have I really accepted it that things are the way that they are?  Or am I in the limbo between all the feelings one goes through and the final stage of acceptance? 
     I mean — sure I’ve accepted that things are the way that things are, and that I’m back in the state.  But at the same time — I just haven’t worked out the acceptance that in moving on — I can start dating again.  I just don’t have any want to dating at all.  That’s not true, as I think about it…  I do have the want to date.  I just haven’t found anyone that says to me, "Yes, get to know more about them."  Or "Yes, ask them out for a date: formal or informal."  There have been twinges yes.  I meet a couple of people — but the feeling really doesn’t last all that long.  Not since the fiasco with Matt and how my world turned upside down while I was recounting the story about Tommy. 
     There’s a hell of a lot more to this than meets the eye, and to be honest I really haven’t been doing all that much along the lines of introspection to figure it out.  Winter blahs and a lackluster start to spring are part of the reasons.  Not really having all that much money to my name could be the other — but at the same time — thinking back last summer, even when I had money I really didn’t do all that much when it came to mingling or socializing. 
     It would appear that I have things to think about — if I can between going to work and going home. 

     Not too much else to talk about at the moment.  Sure, I could talk more about work — but I’m not in the mood.  I’ll wait to see what goes on when I go to work tomorrow before I start writing about it.  I’m going to cut out for the time being.  Until the next time. 

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