Home > Life or something like it > Entry 06/22/2007 12:30:21 PM – Mentat 339

Entry 06/22/2007 12:30:21 PM – Mentat 339

     God, what a long week it’s been. Friday night… The last night of my work week… And here I am trying desperately to find ways to keep myself awake. Not a pretty thing believe me, considering that through the course of this week, I had worked all three shifts (first, second and finally third). While I pretty much lucked out of not going through the feeling of jet-leg when I got back to nights, the problem that I’m suffering from at the moment is the fact that I had gone to bed as late as I had. My fault, I know… But hey, I couldn’t help myself really given that I really wasn’t tired because of the weirdness of the weather, and needed to calm down sufficiently to lie down for the night. So, I watched the whole of Tim Burton’s rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
     It was good and odd all at the same time; and didn’t really jibe with either the book that I read when I was in fifth grade, or the movie that I had been more familiar with from the 70’s. But then, I really shouldn’t be surprised given that Burton rarely keeps to the theme at hand; oftentimes putting his own spin on everything. Apparently Burton had some sort of "daddy" issues that he wanted to work out in this film. *shrugging* I shouldn’t be surprised actually — I’ve watched the man in action and he’s clearly a man with many of them.
     So as I was saying, I had worked through all three shifts this week. Monday, my week started with me shadowing one of the techs at Butler Hospital to get a lay of the land, and to understand some of the issues that they go through there. From a technical standpoint, it was pretty quiet — with only one page around lunchtime that needed immediate attention. It was also a pretty surreal feeling walking around the campus there, given that I had worked there twenty-five or so years ago and had been there as a patient for one week about the same time because of the shit that I had gone through with Eric and the way that he mind-fucked me, along with played me horribly for a fool. There were some parts of the campus that I remembered as though I had been there only yesterday; there were parts that I hadn’t ever been part of. There were even parts of the campus that I didn’t get the chance to go to while working there because I wasn’t old enough to work in the treatment areas.
     Not surprisingly I only ran into one person that dated back to the time when my mother and I had worked there; a man that worked in the maintenance area by the name of Jim. While he didn’t remember me (not surprising given that when I worked there I had been 17, and only was there for the summer) he did readily remember Rachel, which sort of gave me a homey kind of feel reminding me that I’m not totally alien in coming home and while finding the landscape pretty much the same — the people were definitely more different than I remembered.
     Tuesday and Wednesday I spent my time back at the office on evenings, and trying desperately to get myself back into order for working and living night shift again. Didn’t handle that too well at all, and ended up passing out shortly after getting home for a nap only to take another sleep around 5 – 6 or so because of it.
     Thursday and Friday as I was back to nights, tonight is a prime example of feeling as dead and as drained as the first week that I made the transition. And because of that — as I said earlier — the day’s dragging on and on and on about it. Ugh! All I know is that I’m more than glad that it’s the weekend — I still have some sleep and some sanity to catch up on.

     With a little of the extra money that I’ve got, I decided on splurging a little bit more and acquiring a new gamepad, joystick and trackball mouse for the PC. Got them in, in record time: three days. While I liked the optical mouse that I had, one of the most annoying things about it was the fact that the wire wasn’t all that long. Although the extender made it workable on the desk — the problem with the extension cord was the fact that the connector almost always got caught at the edge of the desk, causing me to disconnect it more often times than naught when I pulled on the cord to give me a little leeway. So I decided on going back to my tradition of an immobile mouse that allowed me complete movement on the desktop. About the only problem I have with Logitech’s most recent design is the fact that it’s not like the previous optical trackballs that I’ve used; and that the feel of it is going to take a little getting used to. Eh — such is life sometimes.
     The joystick and the gamepad while being USB seem to work with all the programs that require their use: Final Fantasy VII, along with the Gameboy, NES, SNES, and Sega emulators that I have. Tried out the joystick with X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter and it seems to be working like a dream. Although I’ve got to look into the reason why the CDs weren’t playing music when I was playing XvT.

     So as I was saying in my last journal entry — I’ve come to realize that I’ve been doing absolutely nothing about correcting my situation and perhaps trying to get my sorry ass out of the house and dating more. I had admitted that I have intimacy and trust issues, and that when it comes to men on the whole — I tend to see the negatives more than the positives. I even mentioned that I have a habit of doing about my wants not by what I want but rather what I don’t want. I had said that I would wander away from the journal entry and think a little about it before returning and trying my hand at the next journal entry.
     *grinning* Is it surprising really that I’m sitting here and admit that I hadn’t really done all that much thinking on it? Not really. There was some thought in it — but on the whole — since writing the last journal entry, I was more concerned on whether I was prepped to do that one day at Butler, or whether I should call out sick to keep to a schedule I was more familiar with.
I know above all else, it would be nice to actually meet someone that’s remotely stable. And by stable, I don’t necessarily mean that he’s going to be a stick in the mud about things. What I mean is more that he’s sane. It’s really hard to meet someone that’s stable/sane and fun-loving at the same time, at least when it comes to what I’m looking for. Add peculiar/odd to the mix, and I can guarantee that the person’s not going to necessary be functioning on all the right pistons. I mean — looking at the men of my past — it appears the more odd/peculiar/eccentric the man — the more likely the fool’s going to be slightly off-kilter, to absolutely needing to be institutionalized (like Wayne or Rick).
     The rest, has always been sort of negotiable in recent years, given that I’ve come to realize that while I seem to have certain types when it comes to men that I date — my attraction to them runs the whole gamut. Another thing that I would like to put out is that while I know I’ve been jokingly adamant of wanting to date a man 6’4" or taller — it really isn’t a requirement.

[Last Edited: 06/24/2007 12:29:06 AM]

     I was having a problem trying to continue working on this entry because the environment and my wanting to stay awake at work wasn’t working out for me, so I decided that I would try to finish this when I got home.  Got home early because either the bus that I was on was either late or early, stayed up for all of 10 minutes, went to bed and slept ’til the time my alarm went off at 7 PM.  Guess I was tired, huh? 

     I know I should have more of a guideline than that, given the amount of mistakes that I’ve gone through with some of the men that I’ve dated, and called SO or Boyfriend.  Well, one thing that I’m definitely going to do — if the shit started getting toxic, I’m definitely going to call it all off and move on pronto.  None of this trying to ride it through…  Tried that with Rick and ended up feeling more used up and damaged than I did before that relationship. 
     I definitely have to think about it more…  Of course, all this thinking really isn’t getting me anything other than the framework of what I want, and wishing for what I don’t have.  *sighs*  I need to get out more.

     Well, I’m going to call it a day.  Until the next time.

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