Home > Life or something like it > Entry 08/09/2007 04:07:35 AM – Mentat 347

Entry 08/09/2007 04:07:35 AM – Mentat 347

     I had a rather interesting conversation with my friend Jer last night; in the in between of work and the various chores that I go through during the course of my night.  Some of which caused me to think a little bit about my situation and what little of the manner I’ve been handling the thought, probability and possibility of getting back into the saddle to date.  Of course through the course of the random and oftentimes diversely random conversation, I had sort of opened up old wounds by looking up people from my past to see whether any more about them could be found on the Internet. 
     I know better, believe me I do…  But there are just some times when I can’t help myself because of boredom, or curiosity, or just the want to see whether I’m now capable of looking into the past and seeing these things for what they are instead of how I remember them.  Sometimes it works out for the best and I can see just how much I’ve grown since then.  Other times though, I chide myself for not leaving well enough alone and find myself once again teetering through the want/can’t-have push me/pull you that comes from wanting what I can’t have. 
     Fortunately for me though, this time around it’s not as bad as it was a year and a half ago when I would find myself wracked with guilt, pain, wanting to hide under the bed, and wishing that I had left everything alone going through my days in the numbness that comes from avoiding anything and everything associated to a broken heart on the mend. 

     Right now…  It’s a weird feeling.  Someplace between disappointment with just a little bit of sadness, along with hope for the future, and an understanding that things have come to pass.  In these feelings, I realize that I’ve been stalling and putting things in idle.  Waiting for that fictitious right moment to launch myself out of the stupor that I leave myself in, and trying to find the time, the energy, the will and the desire to say to someone, "Hey, my name’s Michael…  I’ve found you to be really interesting.  Would be cool to get together for coffee or something?" 
     Years ago, it was an issue of being an introvert.  Of being shy.  Of not having the guts or the gumption to ask someone out on a date, either formally or informally.  Of even being afraid of the word "no". 
     Now?  At first when this road started for me Valentine’s Day 2004 when a mutually abusive and self-destructive relationship had been called to a close, I was deathly afraid of hurting and of being hurt.  I was afraid of finding myself committed to someone that seemed all right on the surface, but was a boiling caldron of self-loathing and hate underneath.  But that’s passed.  I feel a lot less fractured, damaged, scarred. 
     Not since Matty have I had the nerve, gumption, want or desire to strike up a conversation with any man other than perhaps casually or platonically.  Sure, I went out on a couple of informal dates last year — but by the time I went out on that date with Bob to see Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the WereRabbit, I felt as though I were going through the motions more than anything else.  There had been no chemistry, as well as no want of chemistry when it had happened. 

     Although last night, I had made the decision to follow-through with Jer on all this flirting that goes on between him and I, if only to see whether there was something there, or whether it was the typical flirting that I deal with from queerfolk that are also friends.  It had turned out to be nothing more than good natured flirting, as Jer admitted to me that there are issues and dilemmas that he needs to work through first, before he would honestly consider doing any sort of serious dating. 
     Funny thing that as well…  I found myself to be both relieved to hear this, and disappointed all at the same time.  Relieved in that the ongoing issues that I had in dealing with Jer had been resolved, but at the same time disappointed in a way that a challenge to see whether I could handle it will never be answered at the present time either. 

     So here I sit, in the relative quiet of an office that has the phones currently offline, the gentle whir of the air conditioning cooling the building off prior to the morning rush, and watching to see whether someone is in need of help with something through self-service or e-mail…  I sit here thinking…  What is truly holding me back at the moment?  What sign is it that I’m waiting for? 

     I asked Jer a question last night of what is it that he’s wanting?  What is he looking for?  Yet, as I sit here I realize, I really haven’t asked myself the same question recently.  Sure, I knew the answer to these questions, but sitting here writing this entry, I realize it’s been a while since I’ve asked those questions of myself; let alone answered them.  Heh, as I sit here thinking and randomly wandering about in an effort to stir up my thoughts and feelings — I realize that my answers really aren’t all that different now, than I’ve written them so many years ago. 
     But the problem with this that while it hasn’t changed, I have in that want.  I realize that perhaps I’m more than a little bit cynical, jaded perhaps…  That my wants are too idealistic, too head-in-the-clouds. 

     But at the same time having been on the outside looking in, I chat and watch people and some of the damage that folk carry within the [gay] community is truly horrifying.  It’s like watching zombies sometimes trying to find "fresh meat", with parts of their emotional bodies atrophied, or rotted off in places, trying to suck the life out of those around them in an effort to revitalize themselves, only to find out that this revitalization comes from within.  And instead of coming to realize this, continue on their undead rampage, only to create yet another zombie to join the masses. 
     Oh god, and sometimes when you actually meet something that seems to have their wits about them, and tries their damnest to avoid emotionally bleeding on those around them, end up wanting impossible head-in-the-cloud situations because of some internalized homophobia.  What I mean by this is the "no drama" clause too many folk have when wanting to meet other folk for a date.  Or better yet, the whole "straight-acting" nonsense that comes from folk that flame and swish so badly; poodles spontaneously combust six blocks away or a Gucci Purse falls out of their mouth when they say "hey".  Either/or turns me off so badly, I’m put off from wanting to deal with them after that first encounter. 

     As I have been taught and am proud to say, "…When Stonewall happened back in the late 60’s…  Who do you think threw the stone through the window that started the whole Gay Revolution?  Who was it that first marched in pride down the streets?  Why it was the drag queens, the faeries, the sissies and the queers." 

     It is part of our heritage, and shouldn’t remotely be denied, or worst, thrown back into the closet. But when encounter men that are trying desperately to be "straight-acting" and want nothing to do with the men that don’t fit into that myopic mold, it’s just such a put off, because it’s self-denial to me.  And I personally can’t stand self-denial. 

     Well, things are getting back to normal here at the salt mine, so I’m off to deal with the dreaded W word.  More to write when I get home.  Maybe.  Until then or the next time. 

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