Home > Life or something like it > Entry 08/12/2007 07:24:14 AM – Mentat 349

Entry 08/12/2007 07:24:14 AM – Mentat 349

08/12/2007
once upon a sign i read a warning and it said
‘when in rome don’t feed the lions’
what is meant i can’t hazard a guess
but now i’ve learned my lesson i’m a better person
i’m filled up with high hopes and i’m fed up with soft soaps
long in the tooth and short on wisdom
up to here with the ache of it

and if the matchmaker calls hand in hand
with a catch of the day i’ll rise to the bait
but it’ll still be more than a heart can take
more than feeling great
more than a tongue can tell

i’d need to take leave of my senses to get a moment’s rest
following in footsteps
footsure in fancy dress
head in my hands i’m making plans
hoovering up for the day

when the matchmaker calls hand in hand
with the catch of the day i’ll raise to the bait
but it’ll still be more then a heart can take
more than feeling great
more than a tongue can tell

and the itch to get rich quick
has never been so hard to reach
with my hands tied behind my back
shin deep in cement and sand
just like the anchor man i broke loose
and crashed to the sea bed
clutching the shortest straw
and if you threw me a line that’s as smart as you think
it wouldn’t stop me sinking down to cry
on what flashed before my eyes
what flashed before my eyes

— Trashcan Sinatras
— Only Tongue Can Tell

     …And to continue… 

     I wanted to open with that song because, I had been going through my CD’s listening to various songs of days gone past, and bolstering my MP3 collection found the old Trashcan Sinatras CD Cake.  Forgot how much I loved that song, and seeing that it’s not listed on any of the Blogs that keep track of what you’re listening to.  So…

     I’ve been sitting here the last couple of days considering just a simple refresher of my needs, wants and desires in another man.  Sort of put together the old laundry list that I used to have when I was single and wanting to date or perhaps get into a long-term relationship.  Surprisingly over the last couple of days, I realize that no matter what I net from the results, my needs and desires in another man are surprisingly the same.  In fact, it’s usually how I compromise them that I end up with the results that I have.  Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.  All because of the tenant that these wants, needs and desires are to be treated as guides, and not treatises.  All because even looking at those guidelines, I work on the idea that perhaps those guidelines are too ideal for homo sapiens and homosexual world. 
     Will I continue to treat these as guidelines?  Absolutely!  Although I’ll admit that some of the guidelines that I used to have that I would compromise, I won’t be.  I’ve learned the lesson that some of these guidelines shouldn’t be compromised anymore. 

     Physically?  *chuckling*  Friends, acquaintances and total strangers have all asked me, "What is your type?"  Or "Do you have a type?"
     Physically?  Hell no.  No type really. 
     Tall, short, skinny, overweight, blond, brunette, redhead, brown-eyed, black-eyed, blue-eyed, piebald like an infant, hairier than a gorilla, it all depends on how they physically carry themselves is all that matters to me (this isn’t associated to the mental or emotional way people present themselves.  What I mean is some people look better with the extra weight, some being underweight, and so on)…  While there are some physical traits that I find appealing, perhaps physically is the most negotiable of my guidelines. 
     Heh, I’ve been joking about wanting to date a man over 6’5" for some months now, and retelling fond memories of the man that I had dated briefly that was 6’7".  Does this mean I want to date someone taller than me?  Sure, but it’s not an absolute, and in fact it’s quite negotiable.  Just one of those sort of perks, just like my interest in blond-hair or redheads. 

     Intellectually though…  I’ve come to learn the hard way through Rick that I can’t and shouldn’t sacrifice or compromise intelligence in the least.  No, don’t get me wrong, Rick wasn’t dumb.  But at the same time he wasn’t exactly as educated as myself.  C-level courses from what he told me of his living in the inner-city of Chicago.  But at the same time he didn’t want to learn; didn’t want to improve himself, and because of this, much of what I would say to him simply fell on deaf ears.  That he didn’t want to learn what I was saying to him. 
     Not this time around though. 
     I need somebody that’s not going to say, "huh?"  or "what?" when I say something to them.  Definitely not someone that’s going to use my education against me, complaining or whining that they think I’m talking down to them through the use of words they don’t understand.  I had learned through my step-father’s challenges at the dinner table how to be expressive through words; and have a better understanding of the English language than the average.  And while I appreciate people in my life like Bob back when I was still working at Parks & Recreations (so many years ago) who taught me how to "dumb down" things, when I come home, I don’t want to have to second guess myself about which word will or won’t be understood when I use it.  I do that enough in life, I don’t need to bring it home as well. 
     Thinking a while — I realize I had been extremely fortunate when I had met Will because he had reminded me of something that I had lost in the years that I had been with Rick.  That is, the ability to use one word, and use multiple meanings/definitions of the word in order to describe a circumstance, a feeling, even an ideal. 
     That’s something that I want…  Again… 

     Emotionally…  Sometimes I think that emotional stability is a mythical beast, particularly within the community.  Those that have settled down, have done so to escape the damage that’s out there to be had.  Those that are left, sometimes feels as though they’re the walking zombies, trying to prey on the young in order to revitalize themselves, and never being able to given that healing has to come from within, and not from outside. 
     I think that it was said in Rent about "matching luggage" comes to mind when it comes to meeting someone.  Which I admit has been particularly difficult, given that some of the luggage I carry around with me is pretty unique, but isn’t a tenth as ugly as some of the luggage I’ve seen people carrying around with them. 
     It would be nice if there was some sense of (emotional) stability about the people that I’ve met. Or at least had a sense of keeping some of the things in perspective at some point.  Sure, I understand the need to fly off handles — it’s part of human nature.  However, after flying off the handle for it, I would hope that the person would come ’round and say, "all right, all drama aside.  Now’s the time to handle it." 
     I’ll admit that it’s been a tough road on this one, given that I usually like being the person that sort of helps take control, given that I have the ability to deal with adversity and drama then the time comes.  Almost second nature, once I’m through acting through the drama queen portion of the issue.  In fact, I’ve often picked my boyfriends for showing off that ability instead of allowing them to work through their own issues and drama.  But since Rick, it’s time to stop that.  Time to deal with my own drama, and assist with someone else’s, instead of taking it on with my own. 

     And finally spiritually…  Like the physical — this has routinely been negotiated for apparent and not so apparent reasons.  I am eclectic in my approach to religion and spirituality.  While I officially tell people I’m Buddhist — as Buddha’s teachings are the most appealing and make up the skeleton of my beliefs — what I call myself is more Buddhist-Tao-Shinto-Hindu-Krishna-Pagan-Celtic-Christian-Atheist-Zen. Yeah — you see the word Atheist in there, and no it’s not in the least bit confusing.  I simply don’t believe in the Deity most people believe in, and Atheists are on the right path when it comes to the hereafter than most religions.  So, it’s not as though I’m agnostic, but more Buddhist-Tao-Shinto-Hindu-Krishna-Pagan-Celtic-Christian-Atheist-Zen. 
     Darin had opened up the world for me when it came to having someone in tune with many of my beliefs.  So many in fact, it had been almost eerie to think that we didn’t know each other sooner.  Since Darin however, I quite literally settled and compromised with mainly folk that were agnostic in approach as this facet of spiritual similarity to me seemed unattainable. 
     This time around though, I shouldn’t compromise.  I should look for someone more aligned to my spiritual beliefs.  

     Now for the qualities that incorporate these facets. 

     First and foremost that I’m not going to compromise in the least is the quality of romance.  I don’t care if it’s the traditional, or the untraditional, some sense of romance is necessary.  No, mandatory!  Too often I deal with men my age or around it that think that romance (or a relationship) starts with a one-night stand and works up from there.  Or you can string together casual sex until the bonds start forming like a relationship.  While it can work sometimes, more often times, it doesn’t.  (For lack of a better phrase) the stars have to be pretty damned aligned in order for a one-night stand to blossom into a relationship.  Either that or you’re too young and don’t know any better.  And seeing I’m neither, I shouldn’t continue to make the mistakes I have learned from. 

     Another of the "not going to compromise" is a man comfortable with being out.  I have been out of the closet since high school, and an activist for some years, the last thing I want to deal with in a man is this flippant need to being "discrete" about their sexuality.  I’m not talking about there not being a time and a place for everything — I’m talking about doing everything in their power to protect their sexual proclivity from those close to them because they’re afraid of what will happen if those close to them find out they’re gay.  Oh grow up!  If you think they haven’t figured it out by now, you’re even more foolish than I thought you’d be. 
     Jon G. and Noel P. here in Woonsocket are two such people that used to do everything in their power to cover up that they’re gay because they think their friends won’t stay their friends.  *eye roll*  No really, everyone’s figured it out — they’re just wondering when you’ll stop the denial streak. 

     I’m going to be less compromising on the whole social drinking, social partying (recreational drugs), smoking than I had in the past.  I’ve dealt with men that smoke one or two cigarettes a day, and I’ve dealt with men that smoke a pack to two packs a day, and the bottom line on this is that, while my mother smoked when she was pregnant of me — my tolerance for it is significantly diminished.  I like my air relatively smoke free, and prefer it that way when I get home.  Drinking will remain negotiable — however given my experience with someone that was drinking entirely too much to deal with issues, then drinking is the issue and not the issues themselves. 
     As for recreational drugs…  I’m not going to compromise there.  I’ve had at least two relationships destroyed through abuse of prescription medications to illegal recreational drug use.  I’ve seen too many relationships where they’re destroyed through illegal drug use, that I see no reason to deal with folk that use even such things as marijuana ‘to calm down’.  There are better ways to calm down — talking is one of them.  Snuggling another (a natural drug there that one’s own body generates, to boot). 

     The rest?  Well, it depends on the person, and whether I feel any attraction towards them to see whether I want to negotiate or compromise. 

     That’s it.  The guidelines in a nutshell (of sorts).  I’m off for the time being.  Until the next time.

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