Home > Life or something like it > Entry 09/17/2007 07:41:53 AM – Mentat 355

Entry 09/17/2007 07:41:53 AM – Mentat 355

I can see the light upon your face
And then watch it disappear without a trace
And yes when your body and soul close to mine
My head starts to spin and my hands start to shake
So is this a dream, or am I never awake?

Stay, don’t ever leave me lonely
And I will gladly give my life to you
So please won’t you stay?

I surrender to your warm embrace
I dream and suddenly I’m in another place
And yes it’s a miracle I’m under your spell
My heart is on fire, I have no regrets
If I never find you I’ll never forget

Repeat (x2)

Won’t you stay?
Won’t you stay?

— Wendy Phillips
— Stay

     Well, it would appear that sometimes waiting, and pausing in reflection can produce the best results necessary for a situation; even though as a contrarian — I don’t seem to take too readily to the actions and reactions that I had been presented.  Jer approached me this evening basically giving me precisely what I had said to him in an SMS message about "I’m not for you, may you find what you’re looking for…"  once he realized what he was doing, followed closely with some of the detrimental things that had come up during the last day and a half when I was asking to discuss things a bit more soberly and in a bit more linear manner. 
     Funny thing that really…  No matter what he was telling me, I wasn’t seeing it for the value that he was attempting to place on it, but rather it kept interpreting in my head that he was taking what I had given to him, and was reinforcing a house of cards that he’s building about commitment issues.  God, the things that he was telling me, simply don’t make sense — particularly when it comes to relationships — given that stability comes from within as well as without — as expecting it from your partner exclusively simply doesn’t work without creating co-dependence. 
     I tried to talk some sense into this not-so-sane speak that he had going about grounding = depression, and relationships of stability come from within and not from one’s partner, but all it did was cause him to want to shut down the conversation because it was stressing him, so I agreed to drop the subject for the time being, and walk away from it.  Although given the insanity that some of the labeling, I’m seriously thinking of a sabbatical to make sense of some of the things that he had said, as well as work on further grounding myself from the flotsam of his thoughts. 

     God!  It reminds me of the time I spoke with John C. so many years ago (prior to my meeting Darin), when John had said to me that human beings can’t give of something unconditionally.  I had looked at him as though he had three heads, because people in my life have given to me without a second thought or expecting anything back for their generosity or their charity.  He didn’t believe me when I said it, saying they had to have expected something back for their charity.  I shook my head no, and said they didn’t.
     Two weeks later, we had gone to Boston on a field trip to Faneuil Hall Marketplace and shopping through Crate & Barrel that had just opened there, John had made a comment on how he positively adored the 4 place setting stoneware set they had on display.  It was an all black number in a square design.  I bought it for him on a whim.  He looked at me and said, "you’re kidding me, right?"  I shook my head no, "I’m not kidding."  He thanked me for the gift, and I remember telling him he was welcome.  A couple of days later, he gave me a call saying, that he was wrong about his assumption and that I was the first person to ever give him anything not expecting a thing back in return. 
     While I subsequently broke up with him a week or so after that, I realized that if anyone couldn’t believe in a world where charity can be given without anything given back in return, then people like that don’t belong in my life. 

     I mean, how can with a world full of experiences, people think that unconditional charity doesn’t exist in the world?  How can a long-term relationship last if someone is unwilling to perform the necessary stability and grounding within oneself, to make it work, and expect it to be a long-term relationship and not year’s worth of one-night stands and open-relationships?  How can it be anything other than a house of cards, if everything is apparently approached with levity and light-heartedness and anything remotely serious or somber is brought forth, it is spurned or derided?  How can words be the enemy, if that is the basis of conversations and communication on the Internet and long-distance relationships? 
     It simply doesn’t make sense to anyone with a lick of common sense, and the more that I attempt to analyze it, the more is sounds like hokey excuses covering up the truth… 

     I think the most ironic thing out of this has to do with the fact that not coincidentally, I recall a conversation with Matty some months ago that I had a choice between men, of which he had told me to run for the hills from anyone with psychological problems.   And yet, here I am, when the choice was made, I did precisely the opposite of what he had suggested to me.  While I’m amused by my contrarian nature, I am thankful that this time around, I didn’t in the least get hurt in the process from the insanity or the psychological problems as I had done the last time (with Wayne).  But I do admit that if it got closer, I’m sure that this time around, I wouldn’t have stuck around to allow more damage — and that I would’ve maintained my distance or moved away before that hurt happened.  Still though, while I’m not hurt or harmed or further screwed up from the experience — I admit that I am confused as to the mixed signals that were handed out; and would’ve preferred the truth instead of a lies, half-truths, and excuses. 

     How am I feeling in this?  Relieved.  Confused in the half-truths and half-excuses given to me, not because honestly wasn’t necessary, but the fact that fear that brutal honesty was going to be used.  Heh, the antagonistic part of me is chomping at the bit of wanting a go at round two for some of the wacky half-truths that were submitted as a means of making excuses and a house of cards for something I had said originally and then mirrored back to me.  Wondering…  Wondering what it is, what sign, what signal, what omen, I’m waiting for….

     Until the next time… 

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