Home > Life or something like it > Entry 11/03/2007 10:03:08 PM – Mentat 368

Entry 11/03/2007 10:03:08 PM – Mentat 368

11/04/2007
     Breakfast…  Check…
     Coffee…  Check… 
     Something soothing to listen to…  Check… 
     Cats happily fed…  Check… 
     House cleaned up and looking somewhat presentable…  Heh, that depends on the person.  For me it’s currently a check…
     Sanity…  Well, that’s something that needs to still be determined, doesn’t it?

     Which is why I’m coming into this entry with…  A serious sanity check.  Of course, that’s going to be quite a work, given the fact that I’ve been doing the hardcore dreaming (off the deep end I might add) the last four nights.  Not to mention a slew of events that have made me wonder what exactly is going on with me, why I’m feeling so confused over something so simple as a budding friendship that, I just don’t know what to make of myself in it. 
     Of course because of a combination of events, including an acquaintance of mine that egged me on a couple of times, I had more than a simple dream of the man in the budding friendship that I want to find my acquaintance and seriously blame (and smack him upside the head) for the egging he did to assist in causing that particular dream.  But I’m getting ahead of myself in this entry at the moment. 

     The first dream that I had involved magic, and sorcery, with various mythological elements that were either caused by my watching a bit too much Sci-Fi Channel, or one or two of my action/sci-fi/fantasy DVDs.  I remember being in some sort of school.  It wasn’t so much like Hogwarts, but something a teensy bit more modern.  Not to mention that it felt more like a college, rather than a school.  I was involved in some sort of investigation or protection of the school, as there had been a vault within the school that contained rare, and dangerous books within the vault.  I was assisted by this blond man, who was extremely muscular, and very talented in some of the arcane arts (although he didn’t use them much within the dream — I think I knew that he had these skills based on reputation and not actually eye-witnessing them being used). 
     When he and I were inspecting the vault, we discovered that Atlanteans (in the form of Merman and Mermaids) were attempting to steal some of the books in the vault, and destroy the rest.  They had begun a process of flooding the vault with water, and warping into that area to steal/destroy what they were looking for.  The man had cast a spell to remove the water, leaving it up to me to remove the threat.  I remember distinctly that my first reaction was to cast a fire spell, as it would assuredly kill the Atlanteans trying to attack, but remembering that I was in a place of books and parchment, couldn’t use the spell because it would destroy all the books.  So instead, I cast an ice spell.  But the difference was that the ice spell was one that could only target a couple of the attackers (where the fire spell would’ve gotten them all). 
     The ice spell worked, it had frozen solid some of the attackers, causing the rest of the Atlanteans to flee. 
     The man and I later went to the cafeteria (it wasn’t much of a big cafeteria, but rather more like a mid-sized office’s lunch/break room with a wall-sized window at the far end letting sunlight in), and I remember that I found him attractive, and wanted to chat him up a bit to see whether the interest was mutual.  I only tried once, and it appeared that the man didn’t really have much interest in anyone or anything other than the job that he was assigned to.  So, I gave up after that, leaving him to sit at a table with some of the other sorcerers (which he still kept to himself). 
     I remember that like me, he was wearing modern clothes (unlike the wizards and sorcerers in this college, which were wearing uniforms like you would expect from a Private School).  I remember that he had platinum blond hair, and icy blue eyes (which I think were odd, because he specialized in air and fire spells, and expected that his eye color should have been red or brown instead).  And he was that blond-hairy gorilla type that occasionally I find particularly hot.  I’m still a bit sketchy on his features, other than the emotionless look he routine gave when he casted the spell, and later on when I tried chatting him up. 

     The next dream I had was a combination of elements from real time — me trying to see if a friend of mine was still awake along with a mutual friend and I chatting about some of the things talked about during the week.  It was a dream that this friend had come to visit me, and that meeting him I really liked him and wanted more than just a friendship.  I had introduced him to a friend of mine — a blond woman that while I had never personally met, I later came to think was like some sort of representation that looked like Jessica Simpson.  They had chatted a bit, and she had to go do something before she could come back and the three of us could go out to do something (lunch/dinner, something of the sort).  While she’s out, he had taken his shirt off, and we were sitting on the couch, with me trying to shamelessly seduce him. 
     It didn’t work because when my girl friend came back, the two of them left me there.  He told me that he was more interested in her, thanked me for allowing him to stop by, and the two of them rode off into the sunset. 
     Oh yeah, I knew this dream was all about abandonment issues, believe me.  The instant I woke up, the second thought in my head was my brain trying to wrap around why I decided on having such issues rearing their ugly head at the moment (the first thoughts of course were, "WTF?! Again?!").  Not that I’ve been able to wrap my brain around the reason why I’m suddenly kicking up abandonment issues, but that’s for later. 

     The next dream was sort of an X-Men dream, come X-Files.  In it, I had the ability to phase (like Kitty Pride), and some other abilities (can’t remember exactly what, as I didn’t use them all that much through the dream).  I was at a movie theater with others that had similar abilities.  Not quite mutants, but not quite wizards or sorcerers either.  I don’t think they were witches either come to think of it. 
     In the dream I was trying to understand how to use my phasing ability to not only walk through walls, but to also be able to walk on air.  Every time I tried, I would end up returning to the ground quickly.  Not quite falling, but also not quite able to sustain myself in the air because I hadn’t quite understood how to master that ability.  At the movie theater, I had walked through the screen, and found myself two stories up in the trees, and returning to the ground at the regular speed I would. 
     I remember figuring it out, and that I had to be moving fast enough (like a run) in order to maintain my height above the ground.  I had tried it a couple of times from that movie theater, and ended up being moderately successful, but couldn’t maintain the speed long enough to stay up. 
     From there, I remember that I was running not so much for my life, but more to simply escape detection from some sort of government organization that wanted to use me for my abilities.  The last part of that dream was me in the fields that sort of reminded me of the fields behind my elementary school and looking up into the sky to see whether I was being followed in the air or not. 

     The last dream was simply a snippet of one that got mismatched/attached to the previous dream of getting into the Jeep with my aunt, with two dogs — a Shih-Tzu and a dog as big as a Chocolate Labrador.  She and I were going out with the dogs because they needed a walk.  With the big dog getting into the back area of the Jeep (she has a Grand Cherokee) with the back seats down, with the Shih-Tzu sitting on her lap. 
     We had begun backing out of the driveway when I woke up from this dream… 
     Heh, I know why I had this dream — she and uncle are coming home tomorrow from their 10-day cruise and I’m prepping for them coming home. 



     Quite an assortment of dreams.  Abandonment issues, preparations and returns to normal, the usual dreams that involve sorcery and magic…  All of them with various messages and internal temperatures for me to sit there and be contemplative about.   Some of those internal temperatures most assuredly have me wondering what the hell’s going on below my surface, as at the moment, I’m having a particularly difficult time trying to ground myself sufficiently enough to being able to read them properly.  No small wonder really given that in one draft I’m working on, I’m getting dangerously close to a set of (historical) events that revisiting most assuredly leave me a mental and emotional wreck.  Not to mention the general confusion that I feel based on my feelings being torn in the directions that their being torn to.
     First, there’s my attraction towards a man that I had proclaimed my feelings to, that I feel safe doing so with…  He seems to be the kind of man that for all intent and purpose is the kind of man that one can settle down with because he’s calming, nice, and grounded.  Yet, I’m constantly feeling stymied by because the instant that I had proclaimed my interest in, has become ten times more guarded and shyer than he was prior to that proclamation.  Hell, every time I try to chat with him — casually, or even intimately — I get short, terse answers to long, protracted silences from.  I know he can’t type anywhere in the vicinity of 30 words per minute — but even with that slow speed, I still feel like I’m hitting a brick wall talking with him.  And I can’t really get him to chat in private, as he frequently does only a little of it, before asking to go back to the public room. 
     Then there’s the acquaintance that I’ve known for almost 5 years now, who he and I have finally ended up on each other’s messenger after all this time…  The last week I’ve chatted with him has been a whirlwind of fun and safe-space, that has left my sides absolutely aching from the amount of laughter I have bouncing things off of him, and him bouncing things back.  We’re not talking the silly riposte friends do, but rather the 180 to 270 degree changes in subjects that if anyone on the outside were to look at, would be left confused at the speed which the subject changing has been done.  I find myself looking forward to chatting with him a lot more, and wanting to know what else is going on underneath and perhaps getting intimate with him because very few people in my life (including all of my exes) have never been able to keep me laughing and bouncing as much as he has.   But I also wonder — can one build something more substantial out of a good time of this nature? 
     Not to mention that I’m beginning to feel the self-esteem issues creeping in on me, knowing full well that while I’m entertaining and smart, gay men are driven by the need for pretty packages, and I have come to accept that I’m only average.  So, meeting me while being a fun time, is the kind of fun that comes from being best friend, and not actually boyfriend. 

     *sighs* It’s tough really.  This acquaintance of mine has baggage, just as I have baggage.  Not to mention wounds and issues that also need to be faced…  And I wonder if I’m reading too far into things with him or wanting more out of this than I should actually be wanting.  This morning when I woke up after saying night to him the night before, I got the urge to wait to see him online again and apologize to him for being as pushy as I’ve been, as it’s not my place really to be foisting my wants on him because of this…  Which of course, is usually a knee-jerk reaction of mine that I’m starting to feel guilty that I’m reading way too far into things, and that he needs a friend more than finding himself plunging into a long-distance relationship at a time like this in his life.  I know that I need to back up and back off and let him truly decide. 

     That pretty much covers what’s going on with me at the moment.  Off to work a little on the next chapter editing, get something to eat, and of course, wreck havoc wherever I can.  Until the next time.
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