Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 11/10/2007 12:14:01 AM – Mentat 369

Entry 11/10/2007 12:14:01 AM – Mentat 369

     It has been an incredible three days.  I don’t know where to begin to describe half of the feelings and experiences that I’ve gone through.  Quite literally a rollercoaster of happiness, and sharing, and caring…  Of quiet moments…  Of giggle fits…  Of sharing pain without showing war wounds…  Of moments like time outs, where taking breaks to sort through feelings being experienced, and talking about nothing in particular.  Of finding hope…  Of finding moments of peace in between…  Of experiencing optimism where there had been times in my past that I had none… 
     The most frustrating thing about all this is because it has been such a rollercoaster through the darkness and the light of one’s heart, mind and soul, I can find few words to describe the feelings that I’ve been experiencing, and those words that I would use by default, have been pale compared to the feelings I’ve been trying to describe.  Particularly annoying given that I’m usually a man with a firm grasp on words and how to associate them to feelings, or invoke feelings depending on what the case might be. 
     There are times when I feel as though I’m like a moth, attracted to the flame and being blinded unable to figure out which way I’m going.  There are times when I feel like a beacon of light, lighting the way from darkness and through troubled waters to a safe harbor. 
     God it is so overwhelming at the moment…  Trying to put all this words…  And I’m left so incredibly speechless because of the feelings that I’m going through even at the moment, even after a well rested night’s sleep that I’ve had in a week…  *smiling* yes, I had none of my routinely stressful or vivid dreams that make reality seem to pale by comparison. 
     It’s also quite ironic that I can put to words all the anger, the sorrow, the loneliness without so much as a second thought, and yet as I sit here trying to put together this particular journal entry on joy, on hope renewed, and happiness, of self-discovery and the discovery of another heart that seems to resound and resonate so very closely to mine, I can’t do it.  Like it is almost a taboo to talk about such positive energies, because in talking about them, the magic felt by them would be gone.  That in a form of selfishness sharing that joy would wreck it, or belittle it, or make it less shiny. 
     Which is in fact, arbitrarily and ethically wrong…  At least to the closet optimist that I can sometimes be…
     And it all started because in my helping one man with computer issues, honored the Wiccan method of paying back in trade…  By paying not with information, not with some customary exchange one can do with someone clear across the states.  He had paid back with a poem…

     Like him, I don’t know where this will go…  I don’t know what the future has in store for the two of us…  But I’m willing to find out.  I’m willing to buck up the courage and ride this through, wherever it will lead. 

     This is all I can write at the moment.  My head’s too filled up, and my heart is still soaring in the clouds above.  Until the next time… 
Categories: Romance/Relationships
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