Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 11/26/2007 08:35:44 AM – Mentat 373

Entry 11/26/2007 08:35:44 AM – Mentat 373

     Where can I possibly begin with this entry?  Where does it end in one place, and start up in another?  It has all been a blur the last two and a half-weeks, and while I can see it all play through my mind as I sit here writing this entry, actually putting it to writing seems to be such a colossal effort that I’m not entirely sure how to describe actually.  Particularly when it comes to the fact that my head and my heart still seem to be going north and south on me.  Not surprising really given that the issues that I’m currently going through are between what I desire and what’s right. 

     Since the last time I had written, I had been pretty numb for about four days.  Part of it having to do with the fact that I found myself dealing with a man that I had fallen hard for telling me that he still wanted to give his first love another chance, and pretty much being put to the side for him.  Part of it had to do with the fact that the next couple of days since he had announced this, that I had felt that I had been used like I have so many times in the past when a man who doesn’t know how to proceed finds a means to empty their hormones on someone else.  However, I couldn’t remain numb because each time I had closed my eyes from Monday through ’til Friday I was dreaming of that man.  It was becoming maddening.  It was a form of torment that I had never before experienced in my life.  Because save the dreams of Tommy, and the reoccurring dreams of the car accident 24 years ago, in that one week I had dreamed more of this man than all of my partners combined twice over. 
     To make matters worse, even with me being angry and irritable over the thought that he had used me, I couldn’t find it within me to be mad at him at all.  If anything, I found myself saddened by it, and unsure how to get over him, because sleep wasn’t a solace or an escape for me.  So there was no escape… 
     Then he sends me a well-wishing e-mail on Thanksgiving, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be dealing with my relatives this year, staying home instead.  And he wouldn’t leave me alone; he couldn’t actually.  Like me he had been suffering from lack of sleep.  Like me, he suffers from a bad habit of beating himself up when he hurts someone he cares for.  And like me, he’ll continue to make an effort to see if he can’t right things that he believes he has wronged, right up to the point where it could end up even more disastrous than before the effort. 
     I was really glad that he is so much like me in this; for if he hadn’t been, I most assuredly can guess that I would continue floundering as I had been in during those five days.  And during those 13 hours on Friday from a moderate time in the evening all the way through until the middle of the morning, we had chatted, we had our fun, we had our moments, and we had those moments of peace and safe-space that we always seemed to have when the two of us came together.  And once again, I found myself so confused by this… 
     If someone’s heart is promised to someone else, we are taught that this sort of intimacy, this sort of intensity, this sort of want to being with another person is almost always dedicated to the one we have promised our heart to.  And I asked myself the question that I would ask in such a position:  does he really want his first love, or does he want me? 

     I was fortunate after that conversation.  I had found solace.  I had found peace.  And once again I found myself happy again. However, I also found myself bothered and concerned.  Bothered that the signals that I thought were made clear at the beginning of the week had suddenly become muddled.  Concerned that once again I was going to find myself in the position of pushing him back into that place that had torn him the way that it had when he had made the choice between his first love and me, and confusing him more than it should.  And me being who I am, decided that the next time I saw him, I would have to push the issue one more time. 
     So I did the next night…  And I came to learn in that time that like I used to so many years ago, this man made friends in the most intense way possible.  He would literally live and breathe with that person finding out everything that he possibly could so that he could call them best friend.  He didn’t make friends casually.  He didn’t have casual friends and acquaintances.  All the friends that he has are the kind that he can rely on and be intimate with because he knew them as intimately as he knew himself. 
     In that moment when he had admitted this, I realized…  I might in fact have been such a colossal fool.  That it was entirely possible that he had positively no feelings for me and that everything that I had been reading, everything that I had thought we could be feeling mutually, was all me…  I found myself not where I had been the week before…  I wasn’t hurt at all…  I was disappointed with myself; but I wasn’t about to beat myself up over it.  I would instead walk away with the peace and tranquility necessary to continue on with my life and give him the space that he needed without my fighting for his affections and without causing him any further pain and confusion as he works out the issues with his first love. 
     Once again though, he became confused by this, and thought that he was in some way hurting me.  He also began to feel the self-doubt that comes when one realizes that the method that one had used for so long was causing a problem with someone that he really did want in his life.  When in that voice-chat, I began to hear the pain, confusion and doubt that he was feeling, I made the decision to remove any and all doubts from his mind as to what I was feeling, why I was feeling it, and why I would make the decision to walk away. 
     I did ask him the question though…  Whether if things didn’t fall the way that they had whether I had a chance.  And he had said, "Yes…" 

     I had told him that I had to seriously think about the ramifications and what I was going to do.  I would have to sleep on it too…  A couple of nights…  And to make it a bit on the comical side, like him, I would most assuredly procrastinate on it for a while ’til the issue became a problem, and the problem would become a train-wreck waiting to happen. 
     The thing is though, this morning after finally getting enough sleep, I’ve come to the decision that I had initially said to him the other night stands perfectly for what I feel.  And that is, if I walk away, I’m not leaving him.  I’m only giving him the space that he needs in order to work out what he needs to work out with his first love.  However, it’s not as though he can’t get in touch with me if he needs to, as he has my phone number, and my address.  I try to stay by his side as long as I can.  That my feelings were that strong, and that if things do in fact change, that I would be there for him and try again… 
     Over the course of these three days, we had talked about the fears and the things that he had found appealing about me, and in my decision, assuaged at least two of his fears that he had that he hadn’t spoken about when he should have.  I told him that there would be no way within me to throw him to the side or reject him or turn on him.  I also told him that if things were to ever change between the two of us, I would never leave, as only he could make that decision.  I had explained to him why it would be that way…  Just as it had been with Rick.  Although, I did explain that if he were to ever get abusive, that I would walk out and find someplace safe to escape to; although I would be back to talk it through and see if it can’t be worked out any way possible.  (Seriously though, I don’t see it happening with him…  Not in the least.  He’s too caring, and too self-conscious of hurting anyone any possible way: mentally, emotionally or physically, and would prefer to talk it through rather than take it out on someone he loved). 

     So this is where I am right now.  I can sleep once again…  Well for the most part…  I am extremely happy with the time that I can spend with him, and while I wish for so much more with him will do whatever I can as a friend to be there for him to work it out.  If it becomes too difficult…  If I find myself fighting for his affections and his heart "by any means necessary", I will walk away and give him space and peace.  I know this is a difficult road that I’m going to be taking on this, as I feel so strongly for him; but at the same time, I realize that I need to learn from this…  I need to learn how to give love unconditionally in spite of personal want, need, or desire. 

     And last night…  God what a vivid set of dreams that I had.  While I didn’t dream about him, and I’m rather relieved that I’m able to deal with just my usual insanities of dream states, at the same time, I didn’t quite expect the dream that I had last night. 

     I was some sort of supernatural hunter.  I was partnered up with someone and had come across a town that had been in a sort of suspended animation.  It was a sort of freeze-time spell that had been cast while the town had been in a church.  When the two of us had walked into the church, we had caused the spell to break, and the townsfolk began to wake out of their state.  Two women that I had been standing near when the spell broke, told me that they had come to the church to talk about the loss of a child and a woman a couple of days before. 
     While I didn’t explain to them how long they had been under the spell, as I wasn’t sure how long it had been, I did tell them that I would investigate it. 
     During the investigation of the church I had found a passageway to an underground temple that had been dedicated to some sort of Spider God.  There, the Spider God and her consorts had been in residence and that this temple was covered wall-to-wall with webbing.  In fact the webbing had been so sticky on the walls, I had no problem walking on the walls because of it. 
     I remember doing it (walking on the walls) because there had been these gelatin-like creatures on the floors that if they got attached to a person, got under their skin and possessed them.  While I was relatively sure that I was immune because I was a hunter, at the same time I didn’t want to test my luck. 
     On the way out of the temple and through the underground passage that lead outside one of those gelatin-like creatures tried to attach itself to me.  I was able to pull it off my leg, although it was trying to get under my skin through my hand, I had gotten out of the cave into the sunlight, which killed it immediately. 
     Standing outside in the sunlight, I remember talking to the townsfolk that had left the church. I told them that I wouldn’t be able to do much, and that they should leave the area, as things will only get worse before they get better. 

     I also had a fragment dream.  One that involved my leaving the house with someone, and having locked the door, realized that I had left my phone in the house.  Instead of going back into the house, from the door of the car, I had used telekinesis to open the screen on the window and the window in order to pull my phone off the table.  Instead of getting my phone, I had gotten my aunts (she has a pink version of mine). 
     I had sent the phone back to the table using telekinesis and then pulled my phone off the table and got it.  Just before I left, I had used my abilities to shut the screen and lock the window. 

     Nice to see that I’m back to dreaming about telekinesis.  Amusing actually given the other night I had a dream of telekinesis I had said in it that I had been pretty rusty with it, but was glad that I was still capable of it. 

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Off to get lunch and perhaps work on a couple of projects here.  Until the next time.

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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