Home > Romance/Relationships > Entry 12/06/2007 06:42:24 AM – Mentat 374

Entry 12/06/2007 06:42:24 AM – Mentat 374

     Before I seriously cut my teeth on the goings on since the last entry I would like to first vent on something that’s been seriously bothering me the last couple of weeks.  I hate being a Day Walker.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I so don’t want to be a Day Walker anymore ever in my life, it’s not funny.  First of all, I can’t stand the fact that I wake up cranky.  Then there’s the aches and pains that I suffer through once again sleeping through the night.  Then there’s the caffeine withdrawal which hits me worse in the morning than it does in the evening.  And while I know this goes into the realm of TMI — I haven’t been remotely regular.  Ugh!  If that’s not the most annoying part of this.  I’m so sick and tired of it, it’s not remotely funny…  All I can say is, "Creatures of the Night!  Take…  Me…  Back…!!!"

     Then there’s the other drama that’s slowly building up.  I heard a couple of days ago that my brother’s called and is doing his damnedest once again to stir up shit with the family.  And of course, I’m the target of it.  News is that my uncle no longer wants me around here, and has laid out the ultimatum that if I’m not put out from here, then he’ll leave my aunt after 43 years of marriage.  My aunt has agreed with this and has been helping me find another place to live.  Jon got word of this and he’s been pressuring the aunt with "throw him (me) out on the street"… 
     Funny fucking shit that.  Jon’s never been thrown out by any of the family (other than Marlene, and that’s only because he got into a fight with Marlene’s husband but she allowed him to stay for as long as it took for him to find someplace to live), and I know for a fact that he has used parts of the family to get what he wanted, and yet he thinks that he can dictate how things should be played out for the likes of me, of which includes something that had been done twice before.  Hell, he’s had parts of his tuition paid off by our maternal grandparents, thrown away money on at least one year of college by my parents.  Routinely gotten help from my step-father (until the altercation last year that involved him getting arrested at my cousin’s house, next door to my step-fathers)…  The family, including my mostly estranged mother told him to back off, shut up, and mind his own business. 
     My aunt reminded me today that when he was "stranded" in Texas, that my step-father didn’t bail him out, and my mother wasn’t going to help him in the least.  Seems I forgot all about that one.  But then, at the time, Jon was a raging drunk, and my mother was sick and tired of putting up with bailing his ass out of jail. 
     I know for fact that he won’t say shit to me…  Since the fight we had last year, he won’t make a direct confrontation with me, instead choosing his darts and his poison at other targets in the hopes of getting at me.  That’s the way of my biological father, and apparently he’s decided to take up the craft…  Sad when I think about it…  Disappointed as well. 
     It’s making me seriously wish that I did in fact go through the process of divorcing my immediate family if so that when someone does shit as Jon’s currently doing, I could in fact sue for slander or libel or some legal proceeding to simply stop him from doing what most of my immediate family is well known for: manipulation and drama. 
     No doubt there will be more shit along this line in the weeks to come…

     It’s been more than a week since I had last written, and just over a month since I had met the man that has turned me around from a man simply existing, to a man wanting to live.  I admit that trying to write this part of the entry has been a hell of a struggle for me, not because I have no problem recalling the events that lead me to where I am at the present time, but rather that I don’t feel I could do what I’m feeling and thinking the necessary justice of putting it all to words.  It’s pretty amazing really…  Only a month’s past, and yet I feel that it’s been the most wonderful year I’ve had…  Strange that time becomes relative when one is happy, infatuated and in love.  Stranger still is that with the English language having something like a half-million words, I frequently find myself unable to find the right words to describe all the feelings that I have. 
     *grinning*  Yeah, it’s possible that I’m trying entirely too hard with this…  So with this in mind, perhaps I should just describe it all and let the pieces fall where they may. 

     First off, I’m going to make some clarification… Because this man that has asked for some discretion, from this point forward, I will refer to him as D.  D’s only just started the process of coming out, and while certain of my friends know who I’m talking about, the world at large is going to just have to tough it out with the mystery.  *smirking a little*  besides, a little mystery from the likes of me isn’t all that bad a thing either…  At least it’ll make it interesting to see what’s going on and where, no? 

     God, the first emotion that positively overwhelms me and all my senses is clearly infatuation.  From the way his accent is clearly west coast when he’s chipper and awake, to the way when he’s tired that "California Dude" suddenly disappears and in it’s place is a southern accent as thick as I remember when I first moved to Atlanta.   Sometimes he gets all self-conscious about it, wishing that he could make his southern accent disappear, but I tell him that it doesn’t matter to me, because it reminds me of fonder times in Atlanta. 
     From the way that we chat, and laugh, and get serious, and bounce all over the place when we’re chipper, to focusing and dealing with issues when we’re serious.  The silences, the talking (and the talking to the wee hours of his night, which are my early mornings), to watching a movie and either enjoying it, or cracking on something that Hollywood thinks "wouldn’t it be cool to put in a movie" which causes the two of us to rag on it like Servo and Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000. 
     During the quiet times when he and I spent time together in voice chat enjoying each other’s company, I oftentimes find myself entranced listening to him singing to whatever song he’s listening to on the radio.  He says to me that he doesn’t sing and that it’s entirely monotone, but I can’t tell the difference…  It’s certainly better than my singing which I’ve been entirely too adamant
against subjecting him to. 

     Awe and wonder are next.  Awe in that from the differences in age, through to the distances as he’s on the West Coast and my being on the East, how we have so much in common.  Being a romantic, being passionate and compassionate, being honest…  Such qualities are rare to find in the world, and finding them at the same levels as my own makes it feel almost miraculous that we had found each other out of the millions of people that wander the Internet. 
     Another piece of awe is the way that I trust him so much, given that not three weeks before we had met, I didn’t much trust anyone that I chatted with on the net…  I made friends few and far between, and anyone that I had shown any remote interest in getting to know more than platonically almost always caused me to distrust and demand proof for trusting.  Not with D though…  Sight unseen, I trust him implicitly, enthusiastically and more than many of the people I’ve met since Rick and I have broken up (friends naturally excluded). 
     The wonder is the way that he can read me as easily as I read him.  While I can do it consciously, he does it unconsciously.  While we don’t necessarily finish each other’s sentences like it’s expected when one knows another that intimately, we understand each other’s intent regardless of what words are used to convey.  I often find myself blindsided in a way by the way when I’m trying to say something, how he cuts to the chase to precisely what it is I’m trying to say. 

     As I’ve said, there’s trust in there as well…  An incredible amount of it.  Like I said not a few moments before.  I trust him implicitly…  Sight unseen.  There’s not anything that I’m not willing to talk about with him and know with the utmost of confidence that he would hold it as a secret to his grave. 

     And yeah, there is most assuredly love…  It’s not the kind that’s associated with infatuation.  It’s the kind that says, come hell or high water, I’ll be there…  For the good, for the bad, I’m there as well.  It’s also the kind of love that says, …if you have to go…  know that I will be there when you return…  I will wait…  Because you most assuredly are worth the wait…  And most importantly, I see you for your flaws, and your facets and love you for them all… 

[Last Edited: 12/06/2007 02:50:51 PM]

     Man, can the two of us communicate too…  There have been few people in the world that I’ve met that can match the two of us talking to each other, bouncing around, changing subjects on whims, and generally enjoying whatever subject the two of us decide to talk about.  There have been days where we’ve spent somewhere in the vicinity of 14 – 17 hours where we chatted and laughed and shared with only small breaks between. 

     No doubt there’s so much more to talk about..  But I’ve taken entirely too long just putting this together.  I’ll write again this week, if I get the chance.  Until the next time…

Categories: Romance/Relationships
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