Home > Life or something like it > Entry 12/09/2007 02:26:28 PM – Mentat 375

Entry 12/09/2007 02:26:28 PM – Mentat 375

     Sunday…  And I’m sitting here listening to some hardcore trance from one of my favorite online streams:  Digitally Imported (http://www.di.fm).  Sure, I know that I’ve only gotten something like 4 hours of sleep last night, and sure I know I really should try to make up for the sleep I didn’t get, but I’ve just eaten and I’m unable to lie down because I’m just a little bit too wired for my own good.  So, I’ve gotten myself cleaned up, showered and dressed (even went so far as to shave off the five days or so of stubble on my face), and finishing up on my laundry.  I’m even waxing poetic with D in SMS while he’s got quiet moments at work. 
     As usual, I’m just so unsure where to go with this particular entry.  I often find myself positively gobsmacked trying to remotely describe the overwhelming feelings I usually go through whenever D and I are either chatting in text, or in voice chat through one of the free providers.  Sometimes I feel like the child staring too long at the sun and seeing nothing but spots whenever I’m with him.  Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling as though I want to hold him, nurture him, and hope that in some way, I can ease the burdens and the issues that he’s currently going through.  Most often though, I find myself with my eyes closed, listening to him talk and wondering what it would be like to be in the same room with him… 
     Would it be a quiet meeting that builds up slowly? 
     Would it be a collision of minds, hearts, and bodies? 
     Would it be something in between? 
     The things that I imagine through each of those daydreams.  Some of them sweet and innocent…  Some of them shattering commandments…  But it’s always just him and me, in our world, ignoring the rest of the world, and seeing only the two of us. 
     I’ve come to the conclusion that today is just one of those kind of days where lovers and partners should just lie there in bed, or lounging on the couch, enjoying each other’s company, with coffee or tea, soft music (not that I have all that much of that in my collection), and talking about nothing in particular).  Unfortunately though, D is almost 3,000 miles away, and at work at the moment, and I’m at home being semi-domestic and enjoying the total randomness of my iTunes. 

[Last Edited: 12/09/2007 04:23:15 PM]

     But there’s other news that I would like to bring up at the moment.  One that deals with someone that I’ve finally had my final straw with: Nick.  It seriously has been sort of building up for some time now, and with Keagan now moved away from the stresses of his hometown, and me being quite enamored with D, when talking about Nick’s mono-focused "lifestyle" revolving entirely around racing, I started to see it not as much a passion, but more a single-minded obsession with something to make up for the lacks in the rest of his life.
     So, starting a couple of weeks back, with the racing season in the past, Nick now had some time to dedicate to his site, and rebuilding his obsession with data that really didn’t change his site statistics all that much:  the Racing Database.  Going back further, back in the month of January, I had begun building a database for him as a sort of surrogate database for the one that he lost when he was ousted from the network that he had been part of for a better portion of the year.  I knew it was foolish of me to do it, as I already saw even back when he had been ousted that this obsession for this database he had put more time into than reporting the news like he was supposed to…  But I did it anyway because in a way, any site dedicated to anything sports, should have some access to statistics: if only for those betting types that like to see numbers when they lay even an idle wager on who’s going to win a race. 
     By the time March had rolled around, I had the beginnings of a fairly modest database for him, however, based on the method of data collection that Nick had performed, I rapidly began to see that my knowledge in racing was terribly lacking, and needed his help to ensure and clean up the driver’s portion of the database was relatively free of the duplicates I was seeing with disturbing regularity.  So, I handed off the database to him with the hopes that he would clean it up and ensure the names were relatively unique. 
     The months passed, like they always do…  And knowing that he had more than enough time to work on de-duping the database, thought that he would take time to do it when he was lounging at home.  No can do.  Like he’s been infamous for, since I’ve known him for the last 16 months, Nick procrastinated on it, like he procrastinates on everything.  I didn’t get the de-duped database until November… 
     Then in November, getting it, he starts working on the database like a man possessed (which he does all the time as well)…  And like I should have expected, no sooner than he had handed it off to me, he then begins to needle at me, once each day, to see what the progress was since I had received the de-duped database back.  I admit that I was pretty livid when he did it on the third day. 
     I brought up with Nick that I had done the same thing with him once a week for three weeks back in March. 
     He made some excuse about the racing season.
     I snapped back quickly that the racing season started in May, and usually ends in September, which means that he had March, April, October and November to have had more than enough time to work on it.  (I left out the plain fact that he could’ve finished it months ago, but the insinuation and the tone in my type was clear enough that he was being irresponsible as he routinely was). 
     Of course, Nick backed down and left me alone knowing full well he was in the wrong. 
     I left the database alone, partially because I was particularly seething about his whole passive needling for something he should’ve finished months ago, partially because I was enjoying my time with D, but mostly because I knew that I would be able to add more in only a couple of hours, which meant that chances were, I would be handing it back to him for de-duping that would take another several more months to get around to. 
     A couple of more weeks passed and during that time, Nick had given up all pretense of friendliness and joviality.  Instead like he does whenever he’s in need of validation, will simply cut to the chase and tell me just how much he’s worked on the database.  So each time it was, "I added x amount of drivers…"  *sighs* 
     Finally, one night…  After spending several hours chatting with D, Nick decides on popping in and going on without introduction or any sort of formalities, began going on and on and on about racing and whatever race he was watching on television.
     I vented quite a bit to D about it if only because he was a willing ear, and a shoulder for me to lean upon.  D had told me several things, the one that stood out above them all was "why don’t you tell him to go away?"  Which is what I did.  I told Nick in a polite way that there was a gentleman in the other box that I was chatting with and wanted to get to know more about, and would it be possible to bother me about the racing database and any information he had on his mind on Monday…
     Nick signed off in record time: almost instantly in fact.  If I hadn’t known any better, I would’ve thought it was a form of jealousy.  However, thinking back on the incident, it wasn’t in the least bit jealousy.  He clearly had no one to talk to about racing and simply pissed offline for the night. 
     Finally came the moment where I had lost it.  See…  There was a problem with the database, when I had handed off the database to him it was a standard database, when I got it back in November, it was in fact a replica: as though he had made a copy of it someplace else.  Because of this, he wanted to add a couple of fields, but because it wasn’t the Master, he was unable to. 
     Now replica databases are pretty damned easy to fix, all you have to do is get into Access and select "Recover Design Master" in order to make it editable.  I was in Ubuntu at the time he was messaging me, and I was unable to open the database using OpenOffice, but I thought it a good time for him to learn how to fix it himself.  After all, it’s an easy enough problem to fix it. 
     I had suggested a week before to purchase the "Access for Dummies…" Book, and read through it in order to get the basic building blocks of database design (and the right direction to logical database structuring, building, and modifications).  By the time that he had discovered the problem, he hadn’t read the book at all and in fact just skimmed through sections of it in order to try to fix it. 
     When he said that, I would be damned if I was going to rush out of Ubuntu to Windows to fix the problem, and given that it’s an easy enough fix based on my experience and went about pointing him in the right direction with a couple of URLs from Microsoft Office’s site on where to look. 
     He realized I wasn’t going to rush to help him through his problem, he pulls one of his patented passive-aggressive tantrums and said that he would go off and work on "something else". 
     Should I say now, I was over his adolescent tantrums?  Should I say now, I was rather sick and tired of feeling as though I were nothing more than someone at his beck and call?  Well…  it is now…  And I’m tired of both… I was stewing at this point, and thought that I had a break from the likes of him because he was off to dinner and after dinner was supposed to be working on school assignments. 
     I wasn’t surprised that after dinner, instead of working on the assignments he was supposed to be, I got more messages from him that he was still working on the database and that he was no closer to fixing the problem.  It was then that he said something that pretty much pissed me the hell off. 
     He said that that the racing season started in April of next year and that he had no time to be wasting time with the database and that he would pay someone else to finish it up. 
     No thanks for the work that you’ve done…
     No thanks for the time that I’ve spent helping him with getting his shit together. 
     No thanks whatsoever really. 
     I wish I could say I was hurt by this.  But I wasn’t.  I had come to learn that in the last ten months, Nick has done little to nothing to thank me for the work that I’ve done for him, or shown me any sort of appreciation for the time, effort, counsel or advice… 
     I told him simply to go away…  Which he had done so. 

     *sighs*  I’ve put Nick on block for the time being, and I’ve been thinking of what precisely I’m going to tell him in an e-mail that I’m going to be sending him. 
     It’s as simple as this…  He needs to seriously grow up.  This whole approach to racing has quite literally made him an idiot savant.  And I’m tired of trying to help someone obtain his dreams when he simply lacks the want or the ability to change himself for the better.  While I understand that dreams are what makes us human:  when those dreams are delusions with little basis in reality — it’s time to seek out a therapist and talk through these things.  Either that or allow him to have his dreams come crashing down in front of him in order to rebuild from the ashes.  And believe me when I say, Nick is most assuredly suffering from some pretty bad delusions. 
     From the lackluster reporting of racing I see him doing on his website, to the scattered way he half-puts together his website, to thinking that with a history degree he could cut his teeth in the tech industry (support), all because he’s been working part time at the College’s Helpdesk.  Please.  He’s got a less than rudimentary understanding of computers, and the three times he’s asked whether an help wanted in tech was for him — he couldn’t answer the basic questions I had posed to him. 
     It’s time to "wake up and smell the fucking toast," as Rosanne Barr-Arnold once said a long time ago.  And I guess I’m going to have to draw it out for him…

     Well that’s about it for the time being.  Off to play poet vs. writer with D.  Should be interesting.  He’s got a hell of a silver tongue, and I’m up to the challenge.  Until the next time. 

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