Home > Life or something like it > Entry 04/04/2008 12:02:52 PM – Mentat 400

Entry 04/04/2008 12:02:52 PM – Mentat 400

     Four-hundred entries…  Ironic given that it’s April and the fourth month of the year. 
     Well, the third shift job was a bust…  Turns out that they only had a level 3 position open, and based on the fact that I’ve only been working with Unix/Linux for under six months I was imminently under-qualified for the position.  So, I’m back to searching, and I’m also back to taking my time in getting this system overhauled and changed over to being a dual-boot system.  I still have a couple of opportunities on the burner — although one of them is still several weeks out before I hear anything on one of them.  But at least I’ll be collecting — which will be a first for me, given that I’ve never in my life ever had to collect unemployment as I’ve routinely had more than enough stipend on my saving when I was on contract to pull from.    Eh, a new experience everyday. 
     Now that it’s spring, my family is already driving me nuts.  My family are a bunch of packrats.  Now, unlike the packrats that they were showing on Oprah a couple of weeks ago where they had a warehouse full of knickknacks and junk, my family collects for x amount of months, before they start this massive clean-up of whatever they’ve been collecting during their lethargic period.  And yesterday was one of those clean-up days after months of winter, and not doing anything about the accumulated stuff the last four or six of them. 
     Clean-up isn’t something done methodically — at least not the way I’m well known for.  Clean-up with my family is this almost frenetic disregard, questioning why things are where they are, and when the answer doesn’t make immediate sense — it’s out the door and into the garbage.  During this, there’s the almost bizarre ritual of taking things collected that are either salvageable or wanted, and moving it to some other part of the house. 
     The worst culprit of this is my uncle — who frequently doesn’t necessarily think things through when he moves things around the house, causing bottlenecks wherever things go.  Which is simultaneously amusing and infuriating as he’ll get all irritated with where things are placed, and then pretty much re-arranges them back to where he had originally removed them when he realizes after six different attempts — they were where they were for the reason that they were there for.  And then of course, through it all, he makes all sorts of noise in my direction about the conversation of light and heat while helping him, and yet — there he is — leaving doors to the outside wide open, and lights on all over the place.  *sighs* 
     To make thing’s more interesting, since my uncle’s  knee operations in February, the recovery process has been slow.  Meaning that while he’s able to lift some object for a short period of time, over the long-run he would need help.  This meant that after about ½ hour of work, the remainder of the time, I’m at his beck and call for any larger object that he can’t carry.  While normally this wouldn’t bother me, yesterday I had a particularly bad bout of ADD which I usually lock myself up and away from everyone keeping to myself, until the moment’s passed. 
     Didn’t happen though…  In spite of the warnings that I should be left alone, I still had to be at his beck and call for a couple of hours in the afternoon.  I was fortunate in that I didn’t have any outbursts in my family’s direction, it made me seriously want more alone time away from everyone — so I told D by page that I was going to be incommunicado for a couple of days. 
     For a moment he had taken it personally, as though it were something he had done.  I told him clearly "no".  It most certainly wasn’t.  Sad though that it’s happening so close to our sixth month anniversary.  *looking at the calendar*  Which is coming up on Monday.  *smiles a little*
     I just need me time.  The kind where I can let everything out, and everything loose…  Allow myself to get whatever anger out of my system, whatever frustration I’ve accrued over the last couple of days and the last couple of months.  I don’t normally need all that much time, usually a few hours, and then things would be right as rain.  Yesterday though — god the fury that I had going…  It’s a remnant of the kind of anger that I used to go through with Rick and the fights that I used to experience with him. 
     I don’t like it.  I don’t like having these remnants.  Sure, I know…  I’m going to have them for my entire life.  It’s like being raped; physical and emotional abuse stays with one a lifetime.  Just when I think things are all right…  It comes creeping in.  Slowly at first, until it’s wormed its way in.  And then it’s back.  The anger…  The fury at being powerless…  The depression…  The break-downs… 
     Until such time as I can calm down and deal with it again.  Get myself balanced and return to some semblance that appears grounded. 

     At least the good thing is that these sort of moments that I’m currently going through are getting less and less.  I’m not prone to the paranoia that I used to suffer early on.  I don’t feel as though friends and family are going to turn against me. That in one moment, what seems to be normal, will all be turned against me in some way. 

     Well, I’m off for the moment…  Watch the remainder of Battlestar Galactica.  God, I should’ve watched it the last couple of years.  It’s a great show, even if it’s dark, ominous and the potential for a train wreck whenever it turns.  But it’s enjoyable.  Almost as enjoyable as Babylon 5.  I might come back online tonight…  I might wait until tomorrow.  I’m not sure…  It all depends on how grounded I become until then.

     Until the next time.

%d bloggers like this: